|
CPTSD, DID, and dissociating |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Hello all,
I want to talk about things. First and foremost, here are what the abbreviations above are talking about. CPTSD - Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder (also know as Multiple Personality Disorder). I've been doing pretty bad lately, to put it lightly.
I havent told many of my sibling about these diagnosises I have. Whatever, free pass at shitty spelling today. Thank you. Here are the persons/parts I am aware of, as of today.
Marissa - teenager who loves dark things and black. She thinks about sex a lot and doesn't like being told what to do.
Dianne- a child around 4-5 years old. Loves to draw and play with stuffed animals. She is very sweet and caring.
Josh- a stereotypical guy who loves action movies and girls. He doesnt know how to cook, and he gets s**t done. He is very confident and never nervous. He loves to smoke cigarettes.
Sam- very introverted and shy. He loves to take in information by watching people and listening to stories. He is very skeptical about what is reality and what is perception. A deep thinker and caring.
Chameleon Guy- Don't know his name. He hurts me by saying very terrible things to me all the time. Does not want me to get better. If he hurts me worse than anyone can, then no one can hurt me ever. He is a sadist and sociopath.
New paragraph for no reason. Ok, lets go with it. I got accepted to an art school in MN. MCAD. I still find it hard to believe that they liked my work and are offering me a significantly large scholarship to attend. My critic person/ mom always tells me things. Bad things. And lets not forget about chameleon guy. He thinks I am weak and can't do any great art. My reality in my head is not validated by the reality of the situation. It is causing a lot of internal stress and conflict. I am happy that I got accepted though. Maybe I can just run away and be a new person with no attachments. If no one knows me, then no one will know I am a terrible person. Josh can pretty much boss it and be social.
Other things. I am having really intense flashbacks and I think I may be a danger to myself. Sometimes I don't even know where I am, or who I am. I just know I have to find a knife. It's quite strange. It is nice to type this all out. I feel like I don't have to hide all this s**t. I started smoking, well more like Josh did. I have Multiple personality Disorder. I have PTSD. I dissociate and feel nothing. When I do feel, I feel severe depression, guilt, emptiness, lonliness, and fear. I just feel so nothing.
I keep isolating myself from my family because I dont know how to make them understand the things I have, and I dont think they will believe me. I told my brother Josh about the DID thing. He just told me to ignore it, pretty much. It hurt me to hear that. I guess that was a bad idea.
Sometimes I just feel like if I just started new, far away from here, and never got close to anyone, I could be okay with life. No one would be hurt by me, no one would expect me to be Janessa. Or the Janessa that they know. I'm so tired of having to be expected to be a certain way. Like it is so trapping, or whatever.
I really want to tell Brandon about all of this s**t, but I feel like I would let him down. He wouldn't be able to count on me as an older sister. God knows I don't want him to be my emotional punching bag like I was for my mom. I just don't want to be like my mom and be manipulative. I don't know how to be a whole person when I feel so scattered and shitty. I am a bad person, and I can't do anything right.
Anyway, it was nice chatting with you. Maybe I'll write again soon.
-Janessa
|
|
|
|
|
|
