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They say things happen for a reason, and looking back at all the events that have occured within the past two years I have to agree. Its like swallowing horrible tasting medicine. It tastes horrible, but in the end its there to help you. I've swallowed so much of that medicine, patiently (somewhat) waiting for the good that is to follow.

This good, it seems to come in quick flickers, quickly dying off to start again at some unknown time. It is these flickers of good that keep me going for some reason. I wait with baited breath just to enjoy its presense. That is no way to live, but it seems a lot of us live that way.

I guess I should be greatful for a lot, and inside I am. Its a matter of believing it. I'm glad I am outside looking in, instead of inside praying for a way out. At least I am free to make my own mistakes again, instead of paying for one. Even my mistakes shape who I am, and I have to bear them with a sick pride only I can pull of.

Yes, I've done horrible things, unspeakable things - but what are you going to do about it? Its in a place where I cannot go back and change the outcome. I can only shape what is ahead of me with the actions I do now; however, I am driven from the mistakes I once made. Those mistakes a flashing signs telling me not to cross, and I guess I have tried so hard to abide by them. Even now I think I've done an okay job of avoiding temptation. However, it is those same mistakes that are acting as a buffer. It is hard to let go of the past for fear of repeating those mistakes, now lit up like christmas trees. I would enjoy the idea of being happy, but with all eyes on me, their gaze telling me more than what words can is truly overwhelming. I don't want to disappoint my family, or my friends. Though my friends could care less of my choices, they have what I desire and do not heed my words. They do not care that their actions stab at me, and I don't expect them to. I've learned my worth this week, and its not very much. People say things, but their actions clearly show the opposite. They believe that is they say it, it will be true. I can see their hands shake, trying to resist the urge to go against their word. I see it in their eyes as well, the choice set upon them and the slight guilt they feel when they break their word. I don't expect them to abide by my wish, that is horrendously selfish of me to do. However, I do expect to be treated as a friend.

That is not much to ask for, is it?

I try to be a friend. I'm there when needed, (only when I am at work I cannot be there) and I'll listen to any complaint anyone has. Which brings me back to my point, they have someone that will listen, so my part in the friendship has been cut out, or worse put in a closet until it is needed. I am not an object to be placed on a self until it is needed, and I will not be around if I am not needed. Right now I feel as if I am not needed, and in some ways it is liberating. I don't have to feel any shame in my choices, or seek approval from those that supposedly care about me. I can go out there and get what I want without any bad feelings in my chest.

I strive to make them see me as someone they could depend upon. No longer. I can only depend upon myself, and it is best if no one depended upon me for anything. No strings, chains, or leads for me. A lonely road, yes, but a noble one. I am in no way saying anything with a bitter heart, more like a lonely one. I have said I have missed them so many times, but my words mean little - so why should I stay?

If they wish for me to return, all they have to do is pick up that phone and say "Hello, I haven't talked to you in forever! What's up?" I have yet to get such calls. One Friday, I decided to go into hiding, I am still unsure as to why I wanted to, but I needed to get away for a while. Apparently I was to meet a friend to watch a movie. She called and called and was worried for me. She even called everyone she'd think I'd be with, and those people cared little for the fact that I was missing. If I was truly missing and in need of help, that would be disturbing as well as disgusting. Things have changed, and there is no way to change things back. With this change it is best for me to do what I have to do and not rely on any one of them.

Maybe someday I will get what I want. Until then I cannot let myself be taken by their antics, the blatant displays of affection and then never-ending feeling of beinga third wheel. I don't have to feel this way, and staying around would be stupid.

What people say and what people do are two completely different things. I am greatful for one person, who says she is trying to make me feel like I am needed. She is turning into Jiffa, making schedules in which she can see her beloved and her friends. I want no part in it.

I'll leave them be. I've always accomplished more on my own volition than with others around me.