how do you get over something you did in the past? and how do you ignore the pangs of sadness while reading something you didn't know was around until recently?? I happen to be a crew member for the guild I am in. Probably one of the only active user made guilds on this website currently & I was just reading old threads, and found the period where I left. I left over some dumb boy in England that didn't care for my friends. He spied on them. I had no idea. I was furious. But I stayed?? Why did I do that? Was it because I had just gotten out of a s**t marriage that I knew deep down was a huge mistake? Was I worried about forever being alone?? I used to jump to relationships so much back then. Everyone said I had no identity by myself. but surely that wasn't true. right? I was still me. I just had an additional component that wasn't good. that was terrible and did hurtful things. I mean everyone always says things that hurt other people. it's in their nature when they are hurt. stupid defense mechanisms that should never have been real.
and yet. I find myself upset with myself. Courtney posted in the thread a convo between herself and I over MSN messenger (I still can't even believe I used that) && while reading the words I wrote it didn't sound like me. It was strange. Like I was reading someone elses words someone who was pretending to be me.
I almost feel like an alien in the chat now because i found that thread and read it. and now I don't know how to process what was said about me. I feel like I should leave. distance myself. I even brought it up to my therapist and still i don't feel apart of them anymore. I feel alienated. i feel like they still hold a grudge. and that they hate me. and it makes me sad. and want to cry. if I had a time machine, I would go back and break up with that losers a**. I wasn't well. I was one so many different medications because of how absolutely miserable i was when I was married. that's not an excuse though. i shouldn't have said or used it as one.
im tired. i just think being so tired and not sleeping at a decent hour and putting in these extra hours isn't helping with my feelings.
I guess I have some good things to look forward to. like.... bringing my cat to my new apartment. I hope he gets along with the kittens and he is happy there. I love my little Arthur (he's actually huge, but a healthy weight for his size, the vet said). I would be honestly hurt if he doesn't adjust, but I also understand cats just... sometimes don't get along. He is almost 7. But he isn't a senior yet. And he plays fetch! So I am praying to the old gods and the new (lol) that it works out and I can have my first son with me. Like it should be.
I guess it's helping to vent to this thing. i'm glad it's not linked on my profile (not like people use those anymore). so, maybe i'll continue this.
[DerangedTechnicolor] · Wed Aug 09, 2017 @ 07:21pm · 0 Comments |