For 9 years now I have always had Frezal (aka Chris). It didn't matter how long I had gone without talking to him or what happened he was there. He was and always will be the big brother I always wanted.
Its nights like tonight that I wish he could be here. To do that big brother thing where he kicks the guys a** for making his sister cry.
Never. Will I ever. Put myself through this again. He pushed me into the wall and slapped me several times and busted my nose...again. Then he went and got in the bed. And yelled at me to come rub his feet.
I sat at my kitchen table with a brand new gerber knife (******** amazing by the way). Beautiful blade. Perfect grip. Never been used. I sat there. Opened it. And pressed it to my wrist. Why me. Why the ******** do I deserve this. Why the actual ******** am I always the one to get left alone and be miserable. All I've ever wanted to do was help others.
Its so embarrassing. To try and talk about what happens when I get home from class or get home from work. Because they're always like "Why do you put up with that?" "Why don't you leave?"
And all I can say back is have you ever loved someone that didn't turn out to be who you thought they were? Have you ever been hit by someone twice your size. Been knocked out cold. And woken up to getting kicked in the ribs. And in the morning its like nothing ever happened. When its good its great. When its bad its ******** hell on earth. I've never known a "Christian" to be so ******** evil the way he is. He disgusts me.
I finally broke down and told my mom I'm going to get a divorce. After not even being married a year. I swore that my marriage would last because nobody elses in my family ever has. No. Mine lasted the shortest amount of time out of everyone's. I still can't bring myself to tell her everything he has done to me. She'll kill him.
And it isn't like I can just divorce him and move out. I would have to leave the state.. And I would constantly be worried he would do something to my family. For ******** sake hes my husband. All of the "safe" places I have, he knows where they are which **hint hint** means they aren't safe anymore.
I'll never forget the day we took our dogs to Petsmart. We were looking at the lizards and he raised his hand quickly and I flinched significantly away from him. I felt my heart start racing and I got a sick feeling in my stomach and caught several people staring. He tried to laugh it off. But people notice those kinds of things. People notice when somethings not right.
I knew he wasn't right when I met him. But if I'm going to be honest, I was in a dark place when I met him. And the sex was okay enough to keep me amused. And I had plenty of alcohol and pills (he provided alcohol seeing as I was not 21 and I had pills simply because thats who I was...). Everything about him screamed no. But I was bored. And wanted to piss people off.
So thats what I did and here I am. Dreading coming home every day. Having to explain to people why my wrists are so scarred. Or why I have them bandaged. Or why I can't laugh at some things. Or why I just start crying and have a panic attack. Or why I flinch at high fives.
And thats why I'm sleeping on my couch. And I will cry myself to sleep. Alone. Again. It never fails. When you need me I'm there. Even when you don't need me...I'm there... But let me need someone...? And I'm completely alone...
ChydiZZy Community Member 
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