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December 29th 2018 my mom died of melanoma cancer.

She didn't tell us how bad it was, until one week before she was gone.

I write her a letter every month.

Because it is hard to say goodbye to your mom.

Hey Mom,

This month has been particularly hard without you. A lot has happened.
Matthew graduated college. He worked so hard for it, I wish you could have been there. I wish you could have seen him.
Matthew moved out on his own. That would have upset you.
I'd tell you we can't stay little forever. You'd feel unneeded. I'd tell you we still need you. You wouldn't believe it, likely get mad at me and Matthew, for him growing up. It really is true, we still needed you.
There is no age limit, to needing your mom. No life event that happens that makes it so you wouldn't have been wanted or needed by your kids.
Did you know that, Mom?
Mother's day came. I think all three of us felt that one. It hurt. You've been gone for five months. It felt too soon, for mothers day to even exist. As if Mother's day would stop, just because we lost ours.
There is no perfect mom out there. You weren't perfect. You didn't have to be. We still loved you. I really wonder if you knew that?
It is a dangerous line of thinking, but maybe if you felt more loved, you would have done things differently? Maybe you would have went to the doctors? It could have changed everything. I feel like you knew better, but you still didn't go. You consciously didn't go. I try to tell myself, you had your reasons. I'm sure you were scared. I know you didn't have money. Still, it is hard to understand, why. It makes me wonder if there is anything I could have said or done to change it.
I wish you would have taken better care of yourself, even if not for yourself, you could have done it to stay with us kids. A world without your mom, is significantly more lonley. It's a comforting love, you grew up with, and come to expect, that's lost forever.
It is still hard to accept or truly wrap my head around. I wish I could of held onto you longer. I know you're gone, but I still can't let you go.
More than anything, i'm so mad at you. Mad that you didn't take care of yourself. Mad that you lied about your cancer. Mad that you left us. I don't think I'll ever understand your reasoning, for why you did things the way you did.
Still, everyday, I just really miss you, Mom. I love you very much, and I wish I could have you back now.