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I joined Gaia 12 years ago when my former fiancée proposed it to spend more time together. Back in 2007 I moved out to a place about 1500 miles away from her. Things were scarce - a few phone calls, maybe, during the week, and that was it. I wasn't in love, but I was engaged... Silly me. Cowardly, I accepted her mother's proposal along with being back in a relationship I was cheated out of. I felt lonely and my self-esteem wasn't anywhere near enough to accept myself.

We would cam once in a blue moon and it would consist of 3-5 minutes of talking and then a bunch of interruptions until we disconnected, frustrated. It wasn't pretty, but I tried my best to stay in touch despite the circumstances.

While in Gaia, I met a lot of great people. Some were a catalyst to the dysfunctions in me. Others were just transient names in a page. One specific person stuck around for a decade or so. In this relationship I discovered what true fear, pain, and anxiety felt like. I lost 2 family members while gravitating in it, and this person went through two different cancers while around me; we were pretty much an emotional tumor to the other.

Still, I learned a lot. It's not to say I met no other people - I did. Lots of them. The last 12 years were pivotal in my life. I came face to face with the narcissist in me and realized it didn't exist. Instead, there was a tormented child in his place, being as aggressive and arrogant as they come, all with the intention of hiding the wounds.

I hated myself. While I was attached to this other person, I learned to dislike myself to the point of attempting to end my existence in different ways; emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and, eventually, literally. Despite the anguish, I do not resent her. In fact, I felt bad knowing I caused as much damage by clinging to something that was clearly unhealthy and killing me.

It wasn't a slow kill, though - in a matter of months I was already spiraling into new depths, which should have been a sign. Despite the obvious red flags, I insisted. And I caused a lot more harm to everyone that way.

There were a lot of good people that came and went in my life - many were pushed by my tendencies and ways of using others to a benefit. Ironically, I dared to label people (at some point) as an accounting equation; assets and liabilities.

Not much has changed from that equation, but I don't work towards my benefit anymore. If someone is full of "liabilities" and they somehow end in my life path, I do my best to help, even if they conclude their journey elsewhere. It happens. And I don't care. I just want to make sure whoever falls around me can be boosted a bit by words, actions, and anything else I can offer. Sometimes it's not much, but I try. And that's what counts.

For those who are "assets", I try to learn from them. I sure do help in any way possible, but mostly sit back, quiet, and take notes. Life is full of mentors.

My decade long torment ended back in September, days before starting my new job. I'm sure hers ended as well. We parted ways not in the best terms. Prone to happen, I would say - nothing is ever easy when there's so much damage in between, especially when there are mirrors and smoke screens. But it was for the best. Within less than a month I was already feeling much, much lighter. I came to the realization that my love for that person withered shortly before moving to where I'm currently living. During that autumn something broke in me, something got me deep and hard. I wasn't able to recover the sense of care to the degree it once evolved to. While it was a near constant war and continuous complaints about my behavior and what I was lacking, I slowly stopped caring... realizing it wasn't a matter of me not being enough. I was. I am. I have been. I will be. There is not a speck of doubt in my mind. In fact, I'm not sure why it took me so long to realize what I was able to achieve, but being here made me realize I'm just so much more.

During last year's autumn I broke off the chain I used to drag myself into oblivion and neglect. Shortly after I reconnected with someone, I crossed paths 10 years ago. We traded numbers and texted in a very superficial manner, as we knew each other since middle school but didn't come to talk until college. Friends. Nothing else, nothing more, nothing less. Lost contact, like I did with many others, somewhere around 2010 maybe.

8 years later we just talk. Connect. Reconnect. Get along. Nobody even knows what happened or how it happened, but it happened.

There are some delicate circumstances that have led to our legal marriage, all with the best intention and wellbeing of a little person who has stolen my heart. I always told my now wife "calling me daddy is a no-no, in any language", but after hearing that little fellow call me "daddy" I could not contain. It melted me. And it still does.

My boss has been beyond amazing. It's an incredible experience to meet someone so young and successful who is willing to help others become successful. Financially speaking, I'm making a decent living (and already got a raise without even asking or being a year old in the company), but the true seller is the work environment. Despite his immense financial success, he is very down to earth and his whole team is no different. I'm humbled to meet people who make in a month what a doctor makes in a year and treat you as their lifelong pal without any prior reason.

Back in the bank I felt entitled, I gave it my all and went above and beyond my duties to make sure things worked. I also felt terribly unappreciated and underpaid. Over-worked would be an understatement. Here I feel indebted with all of these people and their careers, yet all they care about is helping me grow. It's insane. Sure, I work a lot, but the freedom, flexibility, pay, and above all, environment... it's just too good to let go. Yesterday I was just working my way through last month's financials. Labor Day!

I'm blessed. God has given me chances even not deserving them. I met a wonderful woman who changed my life, I met a wonderful boy who makes me feel proud to be someone's son, I have a great job, great people around me, a house in a beautiful tropical island, soon to buy my love nest here, and (so far) the health to build a bigger family with my last name. I didn't deserve half of this, yet the chances have been given.

Thus, I am parting ways with Gaia. There's too much to do and get ready before my wife moves with our boy. I can call him my son. And I will. And he loves it, which is all I care about.

Again... the degree of love you get to feel for someone so small and innocent, someone who gives you nothing in return, someone who does nothing for you, someone who hasn't even given you a reason to love them, yet you do. You just look at them and feel "Oh, so this is what it feels like...", and in an instant your world takes a different spin. I am seeing the world differently today. I'm so happy to have met her and him. Happy to leave behind the past, the depressions, the damage, the pain, the anguish, the hatred, the fear, the negativity, the self-loathing and disdain, and all that it entails, and everyone involved.

To you, who've been poking and peeking into my journals, know this:

There is someone out there with all those crazy qualities you want or dream of. I know it sounds insane, but she has them all. And I'm not even remotely joking. She isn't perfect, and that makes her ever more beautiful, because we can grow. And that is important. The most important thing.

There is someone willing to go the extra mile for you. Not just on words, behind a shell of protection and conveniently held contingencies, but someone willing to give it all for you in the rawest, purest form. Irrelevant of how expensive, terrifying, or dangerous it may sound at first. Someone is willing to risk it for you, and I don't mean just on time and words, but with very firm and strong actions.

There is someone capable of helping you grow. Anyone can sit back and point fingers while calling out on every mistake, fault, and imperfection. Literally all it takes is 2 working neurons to spend an insult or criticism. Constructive criticism, however, is different and far more challenging. To feel someone is with you, backing you, pushing you, and supporting you... Magic. Pure magic and talent.


But most importantly... you are enough. You are beautiful and precious, not to anyone specifically, but to yourself. And that is plenty - because you need yourself, that self-love, self-gratification, the self-spoiling and self-care, the time for yourself and your things, and all those other little pleasures you've denied yourself of... It's okay to have them. It's fine to love yourself and love others, and it is fine to back off and cut off too.

Do not, and I insist, do not ever allow anyone to dictate your value and your life. You are so much more, way too much. No one is worth enough to shift your life around them and against your well-being. Trust me, nobody is.

Life is short. This year went by so fast I could barely grasp the newly grown leaves of Spring because Autumn is already knocking the doors. And all clichés aside, the Earth is moving a bit faster, which is terrifying! So... carpe diem. Every inch, every minute, every opportunity.

Thank you, everyone who took the time to share with me during my journey...

And to you, thank you. Seriously, it was one hell of a bumpy ride, but in the end, it played out for the best. I will not call you a stranger. : )

The biggest treasure you can give someone lies not in your hands but your heart.

¡Adiós!