My love life...my orientation...everything. I just don't know anymore and I'm tired of being questioned about my current relationship...which I don't think is going anywhere, but I don't want to jump to conclusions like I did in my last one. eek Turning 25 in Dec. and you'd think that if I don't have anything big going on career wise then I'd have something big going on in my love life by now but I'm basically....idk middle school level yo.
When it comes to relationships and romance my sister certainly had it a lot more easier considering for some reason my mom didn't press the idea that she can't date until she's 16 or 18 like she did on me. My best friend in middle school asked me out and I had to reject him. Which sucked bc I really liked him and he some how really liked me and all of my fluff. (Warning I do have a very low self esteem and doubt in myself which has an affect on these kind of things) Later down the road in 8th grade after our biggest move ever I met my friends for life, the first friends who were as nerdy as I was! We legit were the small handful of kids into anime etc.(The summer between 6th and 7th grade we moved out of town A for the 1st time) I had two besties who were besties themselves, we were like a trio. One would be my first heart break and the other much more as I'm coming to realize. It was in fact 8th grade when I had my first boyfriend after convincing my mom that I should be allowed should he ask like I felt he would, which he did and I was happy. Bestie#1 the relationship was short, sweet and innocent furthest we went was a kiss on the cheek before I ended things. Why? Bc I got tired of my mom and sister making fun of him behind his back saying he's totally gay, my Bestie#2 started distancing herself from us both and I felt like it was hurting us all as a whole, and I learned we were moving soon from town B back to town A and long distance relationships don't work when u too poor to have a cellphone of ur own. Long story short we moved back within a short time, I tried to tell him I still liked him but all of the sudden my sister loves him, and they went out with each other...lots of drama yada yada to this day he is happily engaged to his boyfriend and we're still besties, I'm gonna be a bridesmaid for him! Amongst the drama one of my other dude friends asked me out in front of everyone and I didn't have the guts to say no, so yeah I cut that one off very quickly, and glad I did bc him and another pal of mine have been happy together ever since.
Phew okay I feel like I've gotten a lot off of me chest but that's just the beginning of what's making me question myself. I bet you're curious about Bestie#2 hmm my feelings for her are all over the place. In high school she liked me very much, and I knew it of course but I didn't think I was that way and she knew that too. Still we remained very close she was there for me a lot when I was getting over my heart break and fighting with my sister and mom kinda etc. For the longest time I held on to the note she passed me asking if I thought it was weird that she liked me. I remember others made fun of us bc well she was not afraid to show affection, I've held her hand more than anyone's bc I didn't mind if others laughed at us bc I was happy to have her with me. My parents divorced back when I was in 5th grade, and I was always sad missing my dad, yet meeting her filled that void a lot. My old man RIP saw that too, was the first to tell me it's okay if I was that way it wouldn't change how much he loved me. I mean my Bestie#1 when he came out his Dad basically disowned him for a while. Anyways I digress. I made a vow to myself and Bestie#2 that no matter what I'd always remain her friend a sister even. She is bi and eventually throughout high school she got a boyfriend. I didn't like him because I could feel it in my gut that he wasn't good for her, and he wasn't. That guy put a lot of distance not only between us but our other pals too, her and Bestie#1 didn't even talk to each other anymore by the end of senior year.
Needless to say our friendship was changing a lot and though we had long breaks in between, every time we'd reconnect we'd take of where we left off. After graduation we had moved back to Town A and I helped my mom financially instead of using my scholar ship etc. due to health issues no one taught me to drive so as an adult I'm still not so independent, Possible narcoleptic here but no one took me when I had free health care certainly ain't going now until someone drags me. These are just factors that played a hand in the distance between me and Bestie#2 who got into another bad relationship with another controlling dude. It was a good two years until she left him and we started talking more and more again not just weeks to months between replies on her end. Yes working making my own $ I can afford a phone lol This is where I feel I messed up and I mean big. Flirting happens between us naturally by now but this inexperienced noob having had certain kind of dreams about us was finally ready to try dating. A red flag went up when she actually said she wasn't sure anymore bc she thought it would hurt us as friends. I told her that I understood but also told her to remember nothing could ever make me not see her as a friend in the least. Next day she ends up asking me out to dinner with her and her step brother which turned out to be an ambush double date where she officially asked me out. I even got my first bouquet of flowers that wasn't from family! Tbh I was eager to see where we'd end up, but I also jumped to conclusions after we finally kissed I mean my first french kiss, which I was the one who started that uh session I guess u could say. Furthest physical contact with someone and I started laughing between kisses like uncontrollably like I was giddy. The noob I was in relationships didn't think that was the right response, and sensing this awkward atmosphere after she left that day, I eventually had the talk with her and said. I think I love you but as a sister not a lover. Regret slaps me in the face every time I recall this.
Life goes on. We promise to remain friends. How strong she feels about this I'm no longer sure. She comes and goes in text messages. She met a girl not long after "us" and they eventually started dating. I met her once when my bestie came by to pick up her Christmas gift I'd gotten her. (A Yuri on Ice jacket) The girl legit said she felt like she knew me already because my bestie#2 talked about me a lot and she expressed that she was jealous etc. I didn't like her but my buddy is a grown woman (well I guess I should say boy bc in one of our rare discussions she said she started expressing herself as so) Anyways, he can make decisions on their own. My suspicions that this girl was no good was when she faked the whole give me ur number so we can chat another time and hangout I think we're all gonna be best buds yada yada Lies. Never texted me. That was the last time I saw him for more than 5 min. The last last time I saw him was the Halloween after when I'd invited him and his partner to our friends traditional Halloween party. He said he couldn't attend because the day of they were going to the pumpkin patch, yet legit the day before the party he came to where I work and said hi and bye on their way out with PUMPKINS in their hands! Pumpkin patch my bahooky! Much later on I found out they got married and moved to Michigan.
So getting over this, and deciding I needed to move on I kindled my current relationship with C. being friends for 3 years a co worker finally made it known that we liked each other and we have technically been taking it slow as a couple for 2 years now. Haven't even kissed, but a few months ago he used the L word and I'm not sure if it felt right to him bc if I'm tbh when I said it back it didn't feel right. Though our texting is more frequent he never brought it up afterwards when he was the first to say it, and at one point in wishing him goodnight I was brave enough to send a emotion_bigheart and I didn't get one back. Red flag in my book bc in my experience with Bestie#1 he wasn't afraid to slam my DM with hearts! I haven't talked about this with him because I feel like I may be analyzing things too much or in over my head or see us as more than how he even sees us. We agreed that it'd be a slow build bc he was focusing on college which was put on hold when he went through a financial thing. He's got bad eye sight to the point that he's considered handicapped and unable to drive, so we either walked or uber'ed our dates between work/school, but even more distance was put between us when family issues had him moving to a different town... emotion_ghost My family nags about why we've yet to become physical in anyway, I say it's bc we're both shy and noobs, but in all honesty I think any longing I have for contact with another is bc I miss the one who naturally gave it to me. Yes Bestie#2. I think of him always. I wish them happiness always. I miss him so much that even when my Dad passed I thought about him and wanted his comfort, and when I cried it was bc I missed him as much as I'm missing my Dad. But I laughed when we kissed what does it even mean. emotion_kirakira Ugh back in like May he reached out to me, and told me they were moving back from Michigan which meant he'd actually be a visiting distance, that I might get to see him again and yet suddenly after that I can't get a reply not even when I wished him happy birthday or asked about a gift for something I wanted to get him but couldn't remember which of the many varieties it was that they liked. A few weeks ago my Mom saw him in the store where we both work and it was a day I was there too, he could call out to my mom like always and even give her a hug but didn't bother to seek out me. emotion_sweatdrop emotion_bigvein Then again my mom said the person he was with she didn't recognize and looked snobby. Most likely his overly jealous partner. None of my other pals even knew he was back yo...
After all of this. I had a conversation with my pal at work, who is mucho importante to me, but I swore off declaring anyone as a bestie anymore bc even broken friendships hurt. So strictly work besties. I have another pal whom I call Laotong I met her when me and Bestie#2 seemed to no longer be besties, yet Laotong drifted away too and I'm holding on to yet another broken bond yo. No more aiya. Anyways my work bestie brought to my attention the concept of asexuality, I've been pondering myself more than before ever since.
What if I'm not straight, bi etc. but asexual in the sense that I crave the romance but the hurdle of anything physical I can't overcome because it's not for me. What if me and C really are just good friends? What if I'm missing Bestie#2 so much that it hurts simply bc I see him as family not just a friend? What if I'm perfectly fine with being on my own, not needing to be physically with someone, just emotionally? Idk I need to do some research perhaps.
The struggle is real. Nefertari out emotion_yatta
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