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Despite what you say? Despite what the past has proven? Even though I am broken and don't feel like I can trust someone with my heart? Why does that make it easier to want to trust you? Why aren't you already gone this time? What the hell is this year? Do you even know how badly this year has shattered me? Should I show you the extent of that damage? Would it be a good idea to? You're the only person on this Earth that can make me both sides of these feelings about this at the same time. Yet if you leave again... I know a new scar will appear on my heart... it does every time you leave yet, I don't want you to have that power over me but I don't know what to do about it. I don't want you to have it because you don't want it and I'm tired of hurting others on accident by existing. I'm tired of constantly being in pain too and I don't know how to fix anything... But you know all of this, don't you, Chandler?

You are a very confusing man. I can't tell if you want to right the wrongs of the past in a way satisfying to just me, just you, neither, both, or what... I know I want to know who to trust here but I also have no idea if I am even capable of the emotion I want to feel, to find the person that will love me for me... I'm still picking up just the frame of the Crystalline Heart structure... I can't even feel the emotion except for the protection type I feel for animals and other small things. I once thought I held deep, emotionally draining, full on romantic love for you. I'm not sure that was even what I felt now, in retrospect. I'm pretty sure it was just that I wanted to protect you but my heart and mind didn't know what to quantify that as, what it qualified as. Since it had no clue, it used what it did know. That's why I thought I loved you that way.

I want to know why I can both feel like I need to guard myself and why I don't want to. Is it just that I am tired of being constantly in pain over trying to protect you? What the hell is this emotion?