I'm not sure if any of you have seen it, but, to say the least, there isn't really much to say as far as a storyline. Yeah. You heard it. But, I thought that I'd let you in on some general information on the characters-since there really isn't any true storyline to tell you. But, here is the glory that which is 'Red vs. Blue'!! xd ~to watch some episodes, gohere~
MEET TEAM BLUE-
Pvt. Leonard L. Church(sky blue): the jack a**
Church: Man, it is really great to see you guys.
Tucker: You seem like you're in a good mood.
Church: I learned a very valuable lesson in my travels, Tucker. No matter how bad things might seem...
Caboose: They could be worse.
Church: Nope. No matter how bad they seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things ******** are, and you better get used to it Nancy. Quit yer bitching.
Church: So how are you doing Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?
Caboose: I think so. That guy Tex is really a robot... and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot.
Church: ...Yeah. That's right......I'm a gay robot.
Pvt. Michael J. Caboose(blue): the......Caboose?
Caboose: I should've known. She didn't like me. Girls... never... like me.
Tucker: Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you.
Caboose: I like me.
Church: I was sittin' there talkin' to Gary, and...
Tex: The bomb?
Church: No that's Andy, Gary is the computer.
Tex: Neh, I don't even remember most of your names half the time.
Caboose: I know my name! You can ask me, if you forget.
Church: Hey, can we please focus on me?
Caboose: By the way, he's Church.
Church: Yes, thank you Caboose, she knows.
Caboose: He is the mean one.
Church: Thank you, Caboose.
Caboose: See, he is mad. Now he'll just stare at me until I stop talking, then, when he thinks I am done talking, then he will start talking again.......
Church: ...okay. I was talking to Gary and...
Caboose: Told you so!
Church: Goddammit!
Caboose: Wait. I can make them listen. I... can... *beat* them.
Sarge: Son, what are you talkin' about?
Caboose: O'Malley taught me how to be mean.
[struggles to concentrate]
Caboose: I... just... have... to... concentrate... on, bad... things! Like *milk*... no wait, red... *Red Bull*!
Sarge: Son, I think you've really lost it. O'Malley's not in your head any more, he infected the Doc!
Caboose: No, I can feel him. I just need to... get angry, and *say mean things*, like... uh... *Your brain is a mountain of hatred!*
Sarge: I never thought I'd reach the moment in my life when I actually missed Grif... but here it is.
Caboose: [now speaking in a very stilted, halting cadence, straining even more] Now, I am... thinking... about... kittens! Guh, *kit-tens*... covered... in... spikes. That makes... me... *angry!*
[begins to convulse and yell]
Caboose: [Caboose completely loses all self-control and then jumps off the cliff. An overly dramatic upshot of Caboose jumping down from the cliff, in slow motion. Caboose is yelling in a slowed-down, guttural yell, then lands on his feet, shaking the ground. The Reds and Blue grunts stop fighting and stare incredulously at Caboose]
Caboose: [in a deep gruff evil voice] My name is Michael J. Caboose, and I... hate... *babies*!
Pvt. Lavernius Tucker(teal): the 'wanna be' pimp
Tucker: Ha-ha-ha-ha! Some slimy-toothed monster scared the crap out of Church! Ha-ha!
Tex: He didn't scare the crap out of him. He scared the *soul* out of him.
Tucker: Oh, it's Church. What's the difference? His soul is made out of crap... stupid crap-for-soul!
Church: For all I know, he's in there chewing on my body right now.
Tex: Well... then let's go get this big 'thing' of yours.
Tucker: Bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Tex: Oh, shut up.
Church: Shut up, Tucker.
Tucker: Somebody call for a really hairy plumber? Bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Church: Tucker! Shut up.
Tucker: I came here to lay some pipe... bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Church: Tucker!
Tucker: So I hear you've got sisters - bow-chicka - who are twins - bow-wow!
Church: Shut up...
Tucker: Hey, are you a model or famous actress? Bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Church: Shut up!
Tucker: [just been shot] Get Doc. I need Doc.
Donut: I can't! He got possessed by that evil guy and they escaped! He's the one that shot you. Don't you remember?
Tucker: I know. I want him to shoot me again.
Frank DuFresne: I'm a pacifist.
Caboose: ...You're a thing that babies suck on?
Tucker: No, dude, that's a *****.
Church: Tucker, I think he means a pacifier.
Tucker: Oh, yeah. Right. Man, I was totally thinking about something else.
Church:........yeah. Real classy, Tucker.
Freelancer Tex(black): the psycho b***h
Tex: Someone hired a freelancer to take you out. Do you have any idea why?
Tucker: I can't say.
Tex: Keeping secrets? I find that attractive...
Tucker: You do?
Tex: In attractive people, yeah.
Tucker: Chicks will do anything for money!
Tex: That's not true!
Tucker: Oh, yeah? I'll give you 10 bucks to tear off Grif's arm!
Tex: [turning quickly to look at Simmons and Grif] Which one's Grif?
[Grif gestures towards Simmons while slowly backing away]
MEET TEAM RED-
Sarge(red): the old fart
Sarge: May I introduce the our new light reconnaissance vehicle! It has four-inch armour plating, mag bumper suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen, this is the M12LRV! I like to call it the Warthog.
Simmons: Why Warthog, sir?
Sarge: Because "M12LRV' is too hard to say in conversation, son.
Grif: No, but... Why Warthog? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig.
Sarge: Say that again.
Grif: I think it looks more like a puma.
Sarge: What in Sam Hell is a puma?
Simmons: You mean like the shoe company?
Grif: No. Like a puma. It's a big cat. Like a lion.
Sarge: You're makin' that up.
Grif: I'm telling you, it's a real animal.
Sarge: Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.
Simmons: Yes, sir!
Sarge: [Points at front of the Warthog] Look, see these two tailhooks? They look like tusks. And what kind of animal has tusks?
Grif: A walrus.
Sarge: Didn't I just tell you to stop makin' up animals?
[deciding on name for warthog]
Sarge: Hey, Simmons. What's the name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats?
Simmons: Uh, that would be the Chupacabra, sir
Sarge: Hey, Grif. Chupa-thingy, how 'bout that?
[a plasma grenade exploded on Donut's head]
Simmons: Sarge, we need to get Donut airlifted out of here.
Sarge: Could you put that in a memo and entitle it "s**t I Already Know'?
Pvt. d**k Simmons(dark red): the kiss a**
Sarge: Hurry up, Simmons.
Simmons: Just give me a few more seconds over here, Sarge.
Sarge: We don't have a few more seconds!
Simmons: Stop pressuring me! I rely on you for love and support!
[after painting himself blue and joining Blue Team]
Church: And last is Grif. He's really lazy, and really annoying. But at least he's smart. I think he's smarter than anyone, really.
Simmons: You mean smarter than all the people there are now, right?
Church: No, I mean all of them put together! There was this one guy, in maroon armour, I haven't seen him in a while, but he was a frickin' KNOW IT ALL! He walked around like he owned the place, but no one listened to him, and they didn't really like him.
Simmons: What did they say?
Church: Oh, just that he wasn't good at stuff, and he was dumb, and stuff he liked was dumb, and he wasn't as attractive as other people.
Simmons: [trying not to cry]
[sniff]
Simmons: Sounds like a real jerk!
[runs off]
Church: Hey, where are you going?
Simmons: [sobbing] I have to go to the bathroom!
[disgussing politics]
Grif: We don't *need* to find weapons of mass destruction, we just need to *want* to! That's how it works!
Simmons: I voted for Nader...... I hate everyone.
Pvt. Franklin Delano Donut(pink): the girly man
Donut: Ohhh, I've been waiting for this...
[runs to edge of base, towards Sheila]
Donut: HEY b***h! REMEMBER ME? I SAVED SOMETHING FOR YA'!
[Tosses grenade at Tex and Sheila]
Tucker: [Simmons and Grif look at grenade, grenade flies, Lopez/Church watches grenade, grenade flies, Tucker and Cabosse watch grenade] Wow. That girl has some arm...
Tex: [grenade lands in Tex's lap] Oh, CRAP!
Donut: HELL YEAH! THREE POINTS, YOU DIRTY WHORE!
Donut: Come on, Mr. Blue guy! You gotta wake up! Wake up!
Tucker: It hurts, just let me die.
Donut: You can't die! I'm bored! All these girls want to talk about is chick stuff! And not the fun chick stuff like ribbons and unicorns.
Donut: It's not pink, it's lightish red.
Pvt. Dexter Grif (orange): the lazy, obnoxious, most hated of all (especially by Sarge)
[Donut has just explained that his armor is not pink, but merely "lightish red']
Grif: Guess what? They already have a color for lightish-red. You know what it's called? Pink.
[the Reds and Blues negotiate a unique terms of surrender, in which the Blues will send over the Medic, Frank Dufresne, in exchange for Grif, on behalf of the Reds, declaring how much he sucks]
Sarge: Get on with it, Grif.
Grif: [exasperated sigh] I would just like to let everyone know that I suck.
Church: And?
Grif: [with heavy hesitation] And that I'm a girl.
Church: What else?
Grif: [in a hesitant tone] And I like ribbons in my hair, and I want to kiss all the *boys*.
Sarge: This may be the best surrender of all time.
[Grif and Donut are hiding behind the Warthog... Sheila the Tank is about to run into the jeep]
Donut: Let's make a break for it!
Grif: Whew! In that case, let's go on three. That's worked well for me in the past.
Donut: OK, you count.
Grif: Fine. But don't look at me while I count, because I get nervous.
[Grif turns away from Donut]
Grif: One...
[Donut gets up and runs like hell]
Grif: Two...
[Grif turns and sees that Donut is long gone]
Grif: That son of a b***h. He beat me at my own game. Curses!
[Sheila the Tank plows into the Warthog, blowing it up]
Grif: [to Simmons] Hey thanks kiss a**, if I want to take guarding tips from the guy that lost our last prisoner, I'll be sure to ask you
Donut: Oh man, that is a burn. Dude, you just got burned, burned dude, burned.
Simmons: Shut up, your armor's pink.
MEET OVBIVION (AKA O'Malley): the psychotic ghost
Caboose: [waiting for Lopez to fix the tank] Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Fix the tank! So that I say hello to Sheila!
[through Caboose]
O'Malley: And start killing everyone!
Tucker: You mean all the Reds, right?
Caboose: Of course!
[through Caboose]
O'Malley: For starters!
O'Malley: It's quiet. Too quiet.
[Gunshot barely misses him]
O'Malley: Suddenly it's too loud. I preferred it when it was quiet.
O'Malley: It can talk?
Andy The Bomb: Why is that always the first thing everyone says to me?
O'Malley: A talking bomb, you say. Hm, I could use a fellow like you in my organization.
Church: Yeah, I should probably point out that Andy here was designed specifically to blow up and destroy you.
O'Malley: I see... Well this is certainly awkward.
Caboose: [Church has deliberately shot Caboose in the foot] Rest in peace, pinky toe...
O'Malley: YOU SHALL BE AVENGED.
Frank DuFresne: You know, I really think we should take a non-violent approach to resolve this...
O'Malley: [Inside of "Doc'/Frank] I agree! Except, replace the word "non" with "extremely", and after the word "violent", include the phrase "blood explosion extroardinaire"! HAHAHAHAHA!
O'Malley: I will rip out their GUTS, and feed on their entrails!
Frank DuFresne: But I'm a vegetarian!
O'Malley: They will all taste OBLIVION! Which tastes JUST like Red Bull... which is disgusting!
Donut: [Offended] Whoa!
O'Malley: All will perish! HAHAHAHA!
Donut: All? Wait! That includes me! Oh, man, I gotta go tell the guys!
O'Malley: I will devour their hearts and CRAP out their sou-ls!
[O'Malley infected Frank "Doc" Defresne. O'Malley is atop of the base laughing evilly]
O'Malley: Here I am, you fools!
Church: How'd he get up there so quick?
Donut: That guy's wicked fast!
Frank DuFresne: Thanks! I lettered in track in High School! It was the least direct competitive sport I could find!
Grif: Track sucks!
O'Malley: *You* suck! And now I make my escape with my metallic hostage, never to be seen again! Unless I want to be seen, in which case, if I see you before you see me... look out! The universe will be mine!
[evil laugh]
