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Day one of the third month of the two thousand twenty third year.
01:33

I find that while my surface thoughts and those just beneath are as I expect, those that quietly shift in my subconscious are not.

This disturbs me.

I thought that my practiced mental discipline was better than this.

Has the ongoing struggle with depression caused lapses? Could it be that the shattered mess that was my heart reaching out from the chasm into which I swept it?

Unknown. Indicators are unclear.

I knew there was the possibility that I didn't clear all of the shards. In fact, having developed feelings for them made that clear. I thought I'd corrected this matter over a year ago.

Not sure of the way I want or should move forward.

With caution, certainly.

Contact has already been limited. Having gone all but completely inactive on all platforms they know I am on has been fairly simple.

Getting them out of my conscious thoughts was a challenge, but so long as I focus on work, it is possible.

Subconsciously, however is another matter entirely.

If I let my guard down even momentarily, I visualize their smile and eyes. Their voice entices from every corner of my mind.

My closest friend, by far. I love them as such. I dare say I love them to an even greater degree.

Alas, I am not seen in the same light. Which was the primary cause for having swept the old shards into that abyss. Others caused the breaking and eventual shattering of my heart, but I was lax in removing it.

Did not expect to get close enough to anyone to feel anything again. Most certainly not this strongly.

Steps for resolution?
Continue limited contact. Recent amount of time in close proximity has been much greater than entirety of friendship prior to November 2022.
Resume longer meditation sessions. As both in person and text contact has been reduced, nightly meditation can be extended to previous length.
Cleansing breathing sessions. Utilize controlled breathing to assist in further clearing of mind and heart. If done appropriately, could include relaxation techniques to assist with muscle recovery as well.

Initializing...

02:05
End of log