Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

This is insane...a few months ago i laughed at people in relationships

cause i thought that I would never have one of my own.

Then when I met Stacy i promised myself

that I wouldn't become attached and dependant.

he was an attractive guy who any girl would love to

just steal away from me *cough*not mentioning

any names*cough* NOW! I FEEL LIKE KILLING MYSELF BECAUSE I

MISS HIM SO MUCH! so, technically i broke my

******** promise...I...want to either see Stacy or at least

hear his voice...it's pathetic but its true...it's this

feeling that's eating my on the inside. Then there's that

******** voice inside of my ******** head that's telling me that

I'm not good enough and I'm ugly and i'm not even worth the

trouble of all my friends dealing with my mom's s**t. Or

is it just me? I've noticed that all my family members

(even Charlie and Jasmine and Kristian) than i realize, I

have someone who loves me and I'll do anything for him (Dirty minded...)

My mother uses me as her ******** emotional punching bag,

at my dad's I get blamed for everything! And i usually

just push all the feelings away by cybering

but EVERY ******** THING IO DO REMINDS ME OF STACY!

My brother's guitar, a jean jacket i found in the closet,

whenever my cell-phone rings (Lying Is The Most Fun

A girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off)

i can't even watch music videos, Animal I've

become comes on an i start to

cry cause it reminds me of Stacy. Than I'm like "Hey How

bout I get together with Stacy" But then....remember...

YOUR NOT ******** ALLOWED TO SEE STACY OR

BOYS IN GENERRAL YOUR NOT ALLOWED TO HANG OUT WITH YOUR
FRIENDS...THERE NOT EVEN YOURR FRIENDS!! And

then the physacatrist asks me "What's wrong?" I

tell her and she looks at my mom who shakes her

******** messed up head. Then the b***h has the nerve to tell the phsycatrist
that "Alisha is emotiona;y unstable cause she feels that no one loves her" Well
guess what whore...STACY LOVES ME! YOU JUST NEED TO

******** LET HIM!!!!Than I get a nice slap in the face...wonderful...i hate
life...unless Stacy breaks up with me (which I know he won't ) I don't have the
courage to kill myself. But someone


else could just to get rid of this feeling, it makes me sick but i feel like it's a part of
me. Like that dude in Pirates of the Carribian, the love

he had was to great a pain to handle but not enough to kill him. So he cut out his
own heart...i'll stop there but the feeling isn't only in my

heart, it's in my soul and I can't stop it, it hurts..thisis my theory, I hate life but I
love Stacy. All my friends around me (

except Elise and and Michelle) are changing, so am i, I don't

know who i am, my family keeps telling

me to stop being someone I'm not, but I don't even know

who I am. Sure I'm fat, I have horrible acne that makes me

look incredibly ugly. My own Family members

tell me and other than my closest friends and my boyfriend,
I thought they were the only ones who gave an
honest opinion, i don't know anymore. I want

Stacy, I wanna Stop being so emotional! I want to find me.


Hate Me~Blue October