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so last you heard from me... i was confused about jake comming over and all that... gettin' close to xmas time and all that good stuff... well let me try to catch you up quickly... it's sunday the 26th of December and i'm doin' quite well considering the recent events.... it was a friday you last heard from me... after a pepband i believe... well... the next saturday i woke up ... and jake called me wondering if i still wanted to get together and play pool at my house or something... so i'm thinkin' "well i haven't seen him for about a year and a couple months now and it'll be fun to catch up hang out with him again" so i said yea blah blah blah come over if ya want to and we can play some pool.... unfortunately... we did a little more then that... so as i've followed my online rule so far i'll keep it up... so no details... but i cheated on benji..i ruined something so perfect... i ******** it up so bad and i sunk the lowest i ever have before... right afterwards i called ben and told him and by the time i waited awhile for him to call me back i had to go to pepband (again rolleyes )... so i was on my way to town and he called back... all i remember from that conversation was in the beginning he just yelled and cried ... *bows head so low* he actually said '******** you' to me... *sighs sadly* i wanted to die i felt so terrible... a little farther down the road i made my mom turn around and go back home... and by the time i had been heading home for a couple minutes things resorted to someone getting hurt physically and phone calls were made *shakes head sadly at thoughts* so i tried to make sure everything was okay 'till he could get to work... so i convinced my mom to take me back into the pepband and i met crissy and jill and talked to them all night about it... and when he called back after work he was more calm so we talked a little... got home and i went online... so untill early in the morning we talked and fought online and discussed a lot and he broke up with me... a lot was said and a lot was read of course sweatdrop but by the time we got offline we were on semi -good terms with each other... 5 o' clock in the morning he called me... neither of us could sleep so we discussed it more and i tried to explain but there was no affirmed reason for why i did it... sad ... but he took me back... he actually took me back heart ... everything was very shakey of 'course but we wanted to make it work so we were gonna try again... over the next couple of days there were certain triggers that we would hit but we've pulled through them... heh... is what really messed me up was that friday before jake came over benji told me he had a surprise for me but couldn't tell me for a couple of days... then that saturday night online he said " you know what your surprise was ? ... i was gonna buy train tickets today or tomorrow to come surprise you on new years" eek ... i cried my soul out after that gonk ... it's been almost exactly 5 months since i've seen him... and i was so close and i blew it... it's what i deserve though... so that's not happening... things kept getting better and still are with the holiday happyness these last couple of days... and we're so in love and i'm happy i know what i want... and i'm happy that he's okay.. he's still dissapointed in me... but i'm trying to make everything up to him somehow... so we're okay as of now... and we should be now 3nodding smile ... so that was the main news... haven't talked to jake since... except once... friday night we spent xmas eve with my moms parents and i got some movies and a cd... hoodie... socks a belt and a purse... oh and this really cool massage pad thingy that i love! lol... whee ... and yesterday was a slacker day... took care of dad cuz he's pretty sick lately.. made cookies and just sat around... and then today aunt and uncle and cousin came over... presents were pretty disapointing today but whatever xp we've all been havin' a good xmas... oh yea... going back to the news... ben did ask if he could still come and see me but his 'rents said no... but then they said that they were willing to pay for me and one of my 'rents to fly down to arizona and spend a weekend with them there... but when i brought it up to my dad he said absolutely not... so bleh... but i'm lookin' forward to takin' the train in the spring to washington to see ben and go to his graduation... and next summer benji's plannin' to come and stay here for a whooooole month mrgreen ... but we're edgy on where he's gonna stay lol... (haven't exactly asked dad that one yet sweatdrop ) ... but i did mention takin' the train out there and i said i'd get the money for it and all and he said "we'll see" so i'm holdin' for some hope on that topic.... ummm what else is new... nothin' really... just lookin' forward to seeing ben again eventually and spending time with him heart xmas is over with and now bring on the new year!!! whee we're hangin' in there wink .... 'till next time...

- heart Kay