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Quote: 10 And again, verily I say unto you that it is your privilege, and a promise I give unto you that have been ordained unto this ministry, that inasmuch as you strip yourselves from cjealousies and fears, and humble yourselves before me, for ye are not sufficiently humble, the veil shall be rent and you shall see me and know that I am—not with the carnal neither natural mind, but with the spiritual. 11 For no aman has seen God at any time in the flesh, except quickened by the Spirit of God. 12 Neither can any anatural man abide the presence of God, neither after the carnal mind.
In my condition, one cannot afford to give into fate. The predestination of battles to come is impossible for me to handle. I have felt too much prickling fear inside of my mind, clawing it's way to the surface like a lizard with it's tongue flickering out. Get a trace and follow the trail, sink your teeth in and feel the blood rush. It is a strange fear of that ability to sense that which you cannot see, to understand and come to terms with the instinct to hold a hunger, and feed it.
I imagine a deer running along-side a road, with no moon overhead. It's dark, beautiful, full of smells and calm. Brush against the vegetation, feel the earth beneath your hooves...You just want to keep running, keep living, and decide to jump out into that road, to get across... and believe that your instincts have you free. What you get, instead, is glaring white light and 2,000 pounds of moving metal, tearing into your tissue, snapping your bones, crushing your delicate little body to a bleeding nothingness, only to keep driving. Your alone, in the dark. Your breath comes with stabbing pain, each gasp coming with less and less air, gurgling with warm blood, every part of your body charged with lightning waves of shock. Your alone, in the dark, dying.
I cannot afford that. I won't let myself grope in the dark anymore. I'm not naive, I'm not entirely innocent, I believe in remembering those awful wars. Crying in the dark, searching for a light in eyes, and seeing a blink of nothing in return. You can cry, you can beg, you can say everything that you feel in your heart and soul and get nothing. Who is to blame? What is to blame? Life goes on in some minds...but I feel that I am trapped in two bodies, two forms of conscious.
I need to see the spiritual strength, a wisdom, a protective warmth....respect for that which is sacred. I am a Wife, even if I do not wear the ring, I am a mother, even without the child. I am your friend. Your best friend. The friend you can trust with your most intimate fears, your wildest dreams, your greatest shame. I cannot lie, I am so afraid of the things you regret, I am so....dead inside when I remember, when I wonder what went through your mind, what was said or done forgetting me...forgetting me in moments....when all I have ever done was worship the ground you walk on. It is painfully amazing, how unbalanced life can be in that respect. That you could give someone the sword that could kill you, and get that too, and never wield it...never even dare to....instead, trusting in language, in love....that it would never be used against you.....only to be stabbed right in the heart several times. Am I naive for giving you that sword? That power?
I don't believe so, really....because Love demands the exchange, that understanding. Love lives on it....
but the balance is sacred, neither of us was supposed to wield it. Am I wrong, to love you despite it? To lie in saying that if it was ever used on me, I would leave? Why did I stay? Why do I let myself rest assured, when I often know and feel in nagging terror, that there are secrets left to be revealed? I know..even as I sit here...that I don't know the full story of the most painful event I am aware of. I have asked so many times, but it kills me more than anything, more than anything....to hear it. The new information, shattered a piece of me, because....I didn't know. My heart, I felt it thunder inside, patter like a wild bird, my breath go short....to lay there, thinking....knowing for the first time....it was worse than I had ever imagined. God, how that pain can gnaw away at the finest pieces of my character....at my deepest, most vulnerable....sacred...everything....but I also understand, with so much pain and regret on my own part....why that happened, although I also know I am not to blame for what happened. I was new to everything, and you kept yourself hidden, you nursed your wound in secret, away from my aid. I could have saved you. If you had just, spoken, been honest....I could have kept you. But this is when I feel there was more to the situation than what you have told me, and I am not ready to hear it. I am not ready to know that it is always worse than I expect or know. The worst things happen when you are left in the dark.
I want to believe in the strength of love. I want to believe, that when you give a piece of truth, a piece of your most vulnerable soul...the reciever will cherish it, hold it close and remember that if it is neglected, the giver will be hurt, will bleed, could die...I believe in the beauty of your happy smile, your jokes, the way you can rest at my side and lose yourself to sleep, so easily. I admit, I am jealous of the ease at which your eyes close.....how nothing can keep you awake in the dark, how you know everything and have so little to nothing...to be afraid of. I want that innocence, that freedom..again. I believe that...in a way, because of the weight of my pain...to even be capable of love so strong, in the face of it....is proof of my love. That through the cloud of hate, anger, frustration, despair....great, deep sadness....I can laugh with you, hug you, play with your hair..forget the chasm of emptyness that crawls inside...that I can let you be close, let you redeem yourself. I am sorry, that you made that, and other mistakes that hurt me the way they do...I know...that you love me....I do, I see it....but I am filled with anxiety impossible to describe when I see or hear you or watch you forget my wounds, forget that you are in debt to the exchange of love....
I need a hug filled with compassion...a moment where you know I am hurting, and understand...and let me know you love me, that you are going to make things better. I need to see your eyes flash with a power beyond your own pain....I need to see you stand up tall, without defending what you have done, and just take me into yourself and prove to me that I can trust you. I need, a man. A man who refuses to let me feel the past I despise...a man who will guard me...do what he always said he'd do in keeping me away from the things we do not approve of. I can't stand it when you see me in pain...and decide only to fall apart. What I absolutely need is for you instead, to take me into your arms, to tell me the words I need to hear, and to say you are trying. If you show me your strength, I will be reassured. Words like that will do nothing if I force them from you. You need to see it, and respond. I hope your paying attention, because this is what I need. I need a fighter. I know it's hard, because your regretting, your hurting too...but that isn't my fault. Do not punish me for your mistakes. I know you learned from it. I know you've changed. I know your trying. If you lay your head down, in silence.....if you refuse to stand, if you are distant and immature when you see my pain...I will die, I will wither away and rot, because I will have no hope.
You need to wake up your spiritual power. I know you have a great head on your shoulders, but you need to open the eyes of your soul. Only this, can save us. Believe me. You need to feel the resonating strength of purity. Of innocence. Your innocence, and awareness with your soul, will be the most powerful thing you can possible wield.....I am just realizing that....this..this truth right here will save us! I know it will!
Spiritual power is real, everyone has it. Few use it. I am aware, that you do not use it very often....only when you are most in need of enlightenment have I seen it rise and save the day. I can tell you clearly, gladly....hopefully, that if you bring it out, you will save me. It will fill every hole in my body, it will heal over the gashes in my own spirit. Not to be funny....well kind of I guess....it's like...Ichigo....you need to train, you need to realize that you have the power to crush all the "Hollow's" between us.....all you need to do is trust in the power beyond your mind, beyond your fears. It isnt instinct, it is so much greater...it is an awareness of your surroundings, of life...or sacredness and pure power. You need to realize, there are two worlds. I'm not kidding. You have the earthly world, and you have the spiritual world. I am kind of rusty..because church totally sinks you into that world, make your spirit wake up, makes you humble...and I haven't been there in a while....but you don't require it to be spiritual. You live in a web of spirits, of checks and balances...you need to wake up the spirit inside...I can see, that with you, right now...your living in a body. Your more than that. Your spirit is what will guide you, protect you, make you aware of things you cannot know. It's real, you've got to really believe it.....the way I feel you believing in watching anime, the feeling you get with the good guy charging up....they are always using a power beyond their body. It really exists. You really can do it. I think I know now...that when I say, you need to be a man...I really am feeling that you need to be spiritually awakened. All I get from you sometimes...is the body...like the limited knowledge of your brain....the tissue....but we are not JUST tissue...we are spirits, childen of something exponentually powerful...and so are we. Your like Ichigo, with that never ending boost of power....you just can't see it, or feel it or use it yet...it's crazy how that anime reflects our life.
All the stuff the word relates to, will improve upon us. Take a look and really, please..think about it.
Spirituality
It's been rough. The scene has changed for both of us. I am learning, and so are you. I give you everything I have. I loved yesterday, how we just played half-life for a loooong time, I love helping you...I love how when we watched A Beautiful Mind, you grabbed my leg and put it in your lap and decided to pet my feet even though they are gross. gonk whee heart heart It felt so good. xd whee I love it when you snuggle me close to you, or hold me from behind around my tummy or when we are laying. I loved going to the college to sign up with you, how we held hands and are together through everything. I love how you make crazy jokes, how you ask cute questions, I love how you come in my room in the morning, before work...and lay with me, sleep there for a bit and kiss me gently...it's awful sweet and I love to feel your body beside mine.....how you are so optimistic...You are my candle in the dark.
I LOVE YOU TYLER WETMORE!!!!! I feel so much better now...that I know what will help us heal, forever. I've been clawing in the dark for an answer, and here it is. I hope your listening.
Quote: 39 O, my beloved brethren, remember the awfulness in transgressing against that Holy God, and also the awfulness of yielding to the enticings of that cunning one. Remember, to be carnally-minded is death, and to be spiritually-minded is life eternal.
TheTyro · Wed Aug 23, 2006 @ 07:05pm · 1 Comments |
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