Quote: Always Listening. What is going on? Why do you still feel so crushed and damned inside? What has my love done, feels like nothing. It feels i can never regain the old you, or the old way of being, or even..my new self. I love you Shannon, so much. Its getting harder to read this journal everytime you write.
Now I know your paying attention. I write how I feel because I know you read it. I get the feeling, that writing it, that maybe now and then you will look back on what is in this journal and remember what I need. Words, no matter how often I speak them...seem to get lost in the daily grind, your own thoughts. But here, you have to focus. Yesterday, I saw you, felt you responding to all of this a bit...
I felt you asking if I was ok, and I was honest...I was ok....but the fact you asked and seemed totally ready to make things better if they wheren't....supercharged me with admiration and respect for you.
But then there where times you knew I wasn't, and you did exactly what I needed, said exactly what I needed to hear....without me saying a thing. You hugged me, told me I was safe in your arms...and I believed it. whee You made me feel close, I felt you...I don't know if what I had written was on your mind, but all day after you got home you had a sort of...humility....you wheren't rushing to go play games or anything....You ate with me, and waited till that was done without any like...letting me know you where wanting to just run away, you where patient and sweet with a new sort of determination and like that I was more than happy to watch you play Half-Life. whee razz Even when you kissed me, yesterday....at times it felt like there was something more to it, I was so happy right then. whee whee heart I mean I was worried about how you would look at all this...but that was really the first time I saw you replying, with action to what I said I needed. That was exactly what I needed. I have felt cursed, despite what you say to me when we talk....because I didn't see any action, all I felt was you crumpling up inside and getting quiet instead. cry sad I already know, I already am a broken vase.....I can't take anymore....I needed you to be strong this time. gonk whee
And you where. eek I was really stunned...like....you made me feel like, precious...something, someone worth protecting. I looked in your eyes and I saw something crying out, it matched the space inside of me that was empty and you filled it. Just with a glance. I knew you could, and you did! When I did feel down, when I worried, you filled me with reassurance with that single, intelligent glance and I found that I could go on without feeling so awful...I was happy, truly happy, because you healed me in that moment. whee whee cry heart
I need you to read this...I need you to have these painful words in your heart and mind every day. gonk I can't go on with you forgetting. Yesterday, you made me so proud. I had no complaint, you regained my confidence...that I could lean on you, and that you would hold me. 3nodding Don't ignore the old journal stuff...if you do, I know you will stop trying, because you won't know theres anything to try to fix, you won't think of it. xp Tyler, you made me so freaking happy yesterday, I could look at you...and see the man I love, instead of the mountain of painful memories....this is how you will regain yourself, and allow me to love you more and more. mrgreen heart heart blaugh
Listen to your spirit, be sensitive, don't rely on your brain. I felt that you did that yesterday, you paid attention to the delicate things. I really, when I felt it and saw it I wanted to fly, you gave me so much strength and so much love, by being humble and strong. Just, keep being this new, powerful, sincere, spiritual Tyler. This Tyler has everything I fell in love with, the sense of humor, the adorable nerdyness, the witty sexyness, the love of food and cartoons, the snugglyness, the roughhousing awesomeness.... 4laugh
but now you are a man, the gentle, embracing, humble hero I have been praying for. More than anything, I need him to lead the way. Like this, I can already feel hope flourishing, strength growing, trust fortifying....don't neglect it. I love you more than anything. I want you happy, Tyler. heart heart heart heart whee
TheTyro · Thu Aug 24, 2006 @ 09:05pm · 1 Comments |