|
|
|
|
Every day my life seems to get more confusing and depressing. Everytime I just sit back and contemplate my life, I cry and want to die even more. Ever since my grandfather, my only relative and grandparent who really understood me, unconditionally loved me and was kind to me, died, everything has gone downhill. This year I thought things were going to go well. I had friends in almost everyone of my classes and was especially good friends with Joe and Phillip who sat at the same table as me in English. We would never get any work done. We would always just spend the whole period laughing and talking. But one day all that changed when one day, Phil was absent in English. I asked Joe where he thought Phil was, because he was a better friend with Phil than I was. He knew that Phil had a BB gun sometimes would go out and practice with it so he said, "I think he got hurt out playing with his guns". I laughed because as everyone knows, you can hardly get a scratch with a BB gun. Right in the middle of our english teachers monotanous and boring lesson, the teacher next door burst in the room, not knocking or anything. Our teacher seemed to know something was wrong and promptly went out in the hall and we all peeked through the window in the door inconspicuously, trying to see what they were talking about or what was going on. Our teacher came back in, literally sobbing leaving us all in bewilderment as to what had happened. She had in her hand a piece of paper given to her by the other teacher, the other hand grasping a tissue as she told us that she would explain what was going on in 5 minutes. I was gripped with fear so much that I didn't even think of Phil. I thought there had been another terrorist attack by the way she was sobbing. Then on the PA came the Pricipal, with the same info the teacher had given us: They'd let us know in 5 minutes what was going on. Eventually the 5 minutes passed and Mrs. Dempsey slowly began to tell us what happened. I don't remember to this day exactly what she said as she explained that Phil attempted suicide the night before. I just remember my mouth agape in horror and I yell-whispered at Joe, "I thought you were kidding about the gun thing." And he replied as stunned as I was,"I thought I was too."
After the week passed there came the soothing comfort of mid-winter break. As the week had progressed, there came the news that Phil was in stable condition at the hospital and progressing in a good way, the only bad news being that he'd need a glass eye and was deaf in one ear from the gunshot blast. After break, I learned what a load of bull crap that was. rolleyes Over break, the tuesday to be exact, Phil died. I wasn't very stunned to say the least. I don't know why, but I somehow just knew he wasn't going to make it. I remember wanting to cry, wanting to bawl my eyes out and start sobbing hysterically, but not being able to bring myself to do it. I just couldn't and I don't know to this day why. I think I became numb to the point of feeling sadness, but not being able to cry. Numb is not how I want to be. I attended the funeral, in a Catholic church, which was my first time going to a Catholic church or procession of any kind, especially not a funeral which varied so greatly from the funerals I had been too, especially my grandfathers. The funeral was so tradition influenced and churchly. There was almost nothing about Phil in it, just the father, son and the holy spirit. To this day, I wasn't sure I believed in them, especially in the extreme way Catholics did. I remember wondering whether this was funeral for Phil or for these heavenly beings.
All went okay following the months after his death until I suspected my parents were getting divorced and my mom would be gone for days with her "friends" which lead me to think she was having an affair, which turned out to be right in the end. A schdule discussion with my councelor turned into a full blown shrink session where I disclosed my suspicision about my parents divorce. My counselor then called my mom, saying that I should start seeing a counselor. Now THAT was some s**t I didn't want to get into. Then as the summer started to progress I found out one of my best friends has rheumatoid arthritus. That hit hard, but again, I couldn't find myself to cry.
The divorce thing is definatly happening all around me. A couple weeks ago, my mom got her new house and I wanted to go over to see it, but for some reason, my dad was acting really strange about it, not wanting us to go. Then when we finally got to go there was a man in the driveway who my mom introduced as her "Friend". I knew who he really was though. Yes, the man my mom had an affair with and she was making it know she was seeing him, even before the divorce is final. I feel so mad at her. She always says how different he is from my dad, but in reality, he is EXACTLY the same as my dad. I'm not sure I like the guy either. He was making all these snide remarks about me that were unsettling.
When I pictured my mom getting the new house, I pictured me and all my friends going over there all the time and me having a party there with all my friends. But now, he is over there almost all the time, except during the day. I don't want my friends to see him. That is embarassing, and portrays my mom as a slut. I pictured me and my mom being there together, just the 2 of us and now this man comes into the picture and my mom puts the 1 year she's known him infront of the 13 years I've been her daughter. I really don't want to hate her, but in another way, I do.
Sigh, there is too much for me to type right now. I'll type more later.
 Lexiegirl · Mon Aug 28, 2006 @ 08:41pm · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
