Am feeling emo [******** off, I feel shite and I am allowed to rant], I don't care what anyone says I suddenly feel emotionally drained and yet awash with a sudden wave of depression, which may I add is not helped my my parents perky "Are you ok?" "You look really down and low, Amy.".
I am feeling really self centred at the moment. I guess it was a chain of events and my own empathy that have led to this mood.
It dropped when Hayley turned up at drama, i suddenly felt self concious and under an enormous amount of pressure. I know I shouldn't but she makes me feel uncomfortable and as though I've been examined at every angle with a very sharp bright light. It may sound stupid but it's the simpliest way of me tryint to realte to how i feel around her. It's bearable and I can live with her around me but I really am starting to dread going to sixth form.. she's going to be around all the time..
I survived - as I knew I would but it wasn't until I came home and found out Alex can't come ice skating cos her mother won't let her because it means her 13 year old brother will be on his own. *sighs* I feel so much for her right now, her family seem to be splitting at the seams and all I can offer is my support. I can't solve anything and even though I know it's beyond me I wish I could make it better for her. She deserves something much better than the arguments and the such at the moment. u_u
the next thing that's been bugging me is the play we're preforming for our schools open evening - hence the drama workshops. The play 'Hard To Swallow' which is adapted from Maureen Dunbar's book "Catherine" is about a girl who suffers from anorexia almost her entire life until her death even after much medical treatment. I read the play to try and picm out some key scenes and it's really made me realise I don't even know what true heartache is. But what got me was a speech from catherine's sister. I feel the same as her when it coems to my sister, I feel in the shadow all the time. Hopefully my own sister will be moving soon anyways, besides she has a place at her new school. >_<
I feel guilty that Ross has brought e a present and I don't have the money to buy him one in return for passing his exams as well. D: I just wish that I could show him how proud I am of him, as with everyone. Espically Alex for passing maths! C:
I guess whats bothering me the most at the moment is that I have news from Chris. he's getting a new kitten with his dad but he has to pay for its upkeep. This means he can't move in with his mom and thus I have to either move in with his Dad [who was annoyed that I would need to] or move in with his mom on my own. I wouldnt mind that but being as self centred as I am I'm scared because I want Chris to be with me. I like his mom and don't want to upset her so I'll move in with her but without Chris around I'll feel so alone all the time and may even feel like I'm living with a stranger alot of the time. I just don't know what to do, I want to move in with Chris and his mom but i dont want anyone ton argue and be upset. I feel bad enough for having a total breakdown at Chris's Sunday morning. I hate how I always drag the people I care about into my own personal torture and emotions. I just want everyone to be happeh. It just seems like I can't do that. I just upset people around me all the time or annoy them if not all the time then most the time.
 HoverCrab · Tue Aug 29, 2006 @ 08:20pm · 0 Comments |
