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Dear Journal,

I graduated from high school on June 6, 2006, and I've been looking for a job since long before that. Every place I've applied at so far has not called me back.

It's frustrating. I've been looking for a job for 2 big reasons. 1: So I can help my mom get out of debt. 2: So I can start setting money aside so I can hopefully go to college. My hope is beginning to fail though. I even tried applying at McDonald's, but they never called. How pathetic is that? McDonald's will hire almost anyone, and I never even got called for an interview!

Today, I went in to APAC Customer Services, Inc., to do an on the site application process. First, I had to talk to a recruiter, and gave him my information. That was short, so it wasn't that bad. Then, I had to do a computer thing. First part was like a normal computerized application, but at the end I had to do a typing test. I found out that my WPM is 50, with a 98% accuracy rate. Then, I had to sign some stuff. Then I got interviewed by the woman who directed me through the process. But then she tells me, that the companies that they take calls for generally like to hire people with 6-12 months experience in customer service! I haven't had a job before! I was more focused on passing high school than I was on getting a job. And now I'm paying for that apparently.

I desperately want to help my mother. I want to make it so that she doesn't have to worry about keeping a roof over our heads. So she doesn't have to worry about keeping us fed, or keeping up with bills! I want to help her get caught up, so that we can go out and have fun every once in a while. By ourselves. As mother and daughter. As best friends. But, without people giving me a chance to prove myself in the workforce, I can't do that!

I had also wanted to have a job so that I could get my mother a birthday present. She turns 47 on the 21st, and I can't even get her a damn card! I can't get my sister a present for her 21st birthday in November! I can't get my mom any Christmas presents! And I feel horrible about it! She's taken care of me ever since I was born, and I can't repay her for it! The only thing I can do for her is be her shoulder to lean on, and some days that's not enough! Some days, when I see her face, worrying about bills, I can't help but feel horrible at myself for not being able to help her further.

Sometimes, I wonder why I was put on this Earth. I know it wasn't for my family. If it was that, my parents would still be married and we'd still live out in the country, where it's quiet, and peaceful! My mother wouldn'tve had to deal with so much heartbreak! My sister wouldn't be struggling with her bills and raising 2 infants! My dad wouldn't be in debt from his gambling problems. My mom wouldn't have bad credit because of my sister's fiance defaulting on a loan she co-signed for!

Sometimes....I wish that I hadn't been born. That....I could just watch over this family, to see if things had been different if I hadn't been around. Would my mother have been able to have another kid? Would my parents have still gotten divorced.

And now, it seems, that no matter how much I look to God for answers or for help, it's never there. Every time I look up at the sky, I feel that much smaller. I'm just this tiny insignificant spec that God put on this Earth to forget about.

I'm gonna end this now. I'm making myself depressed. I'm starting to cry, because all of these feelings that I have pent up inside of me have decided to start flowing as I typed.

I bid anyone who deems fit to read this adeiu. The chances that anyone stumbles upon this are slim, because I'm just one out of hundreds of thousands of people on GaiaOnline Role Play Community.