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So, well, I guess thats it, no more. I am beginning to accept my actions, but I don't really want any more comfort from many people, it makes things worse half the time, pisses me off the rest. I managed to force myself to eat, but not because I wanted to, Gary dragged me to his grandmothers for dinner, then got me ice cream. The helpful b*****d. He luffles me I guess. Or he is sick of my moping as he would or will put it. He continued to shove food into my mouth, until I almost threw up, it was maybe a total of a half a normal meal in me, but meh, I am not in the mood to eat really. I have just been drinking soda, wishing it was some sorta alchohol some sort of way to run from it all for just a second. But, if it was alchohol I wouldn't take it, knowing me and my family blood line, I would be hooked. So, I might as well not go down that path. God, I want so badly to take my Alex back, but know I can't. I am just lost as I can be. I am so angry at myself why did I ******** up so badly? WHY AM I A ******** MORON?! I am glad I am atleast a partial man of my word, and learn well enough, or I would be prolly trying to punish myself with pain by now. But I won't its just an overall bad idea. What should I do, I dunno, it hurts so bad to have ended it, worse to not fix it, worse to not be able to comfort her, and even worse to not be able to talk to her. ~Dry heaves~ Yey, about to throw up. God, my fist keeps clenching and I feel like destroying s**t, but can't or, won't, I dunno, I may pound on Gary's wall a couple times. I am ending it here...
Ayano Murigu · Wed Sep 27, 2006 @ 07:32am · 2 Comments |
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