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I don't know what to think right now. I think things are ok, but in reality they're probably not. It just confuses the living hell out of me.
I need to stop lying to myself. It only creates more pain for myself, and eventually other people. I just wish some people would actually tell me what is going on. I know I've burdened people, even without knowing it. Its just hard to go on and talk to them. Do they want to talk? Will they listen? Will they even reply? That is all a mystery. Would me trying to talk make them upset? Again, a mystery.
Its just so hard not knowing what may happen, or even what you're doing is the right thing. Good intentions may not seem so good to others. But how can you go and do something you think is good, but then get in so much trouble for doing?
You see...thats the problem. I want to do good, I really, really do. But is it really? I don't know. I'm too scared to chance it. But then how will I find out? *smacks forehead*
Here I go again, getting upset over something that is most probably nothing. I just feel like doing so much to myself right now. Good and bad. (Well your views of good and bad may differ from mine) I see it fitting to slam my head into a wall for a couple seconds. Maybe it'll knock some sense into me, and kill a few braincells while I'm at it.
I just feel so sorry for what I've done to everyone. My friends worried about me yesterday when I didn't go to school. My body just couldn't handle going to school. It still doesn't, but I have to, and thankfully for only two hours.
You know, I'm dancing around what I've been wanting to say. I'm sorry everyone. Hell, I'm sorry you have to read this (if anyone did that is). Its just...well...to be honest, I have no idea. I'm not as bad of a person as some people play me out to be. Some can even say I'm misunderstood. If you were ever to meet me, I'd be scared out of my wits and say nothing for a very long time. I'd only talk when asked, and just stay out of the way as much as possible. Thats who I really am. I'm not a loud, outspoken person. (only in extreme situations) I cry at the simplest things. I get hurt easily. I hold in my emotions until I can safely release them. (I've only did it once where it hurt someone.) I'm normally a patient person, as well as a pushover. I rarely stand up and let myself be known when I think I've been pushed aside. And everytime I do stand up, its usually the same thing. I get knocked back into my place.
But who would actually believe that is me? I'm a long-winded b***h online. Maybe its because no one can see me. No one can really know who I am. I can come off as being insensitive, but in reality I am over-sensitive. Most online things barely hurt me. Such as flaming and trolls. When I get in fights with friends, it feels like I get in a fight with my best friend. Kinda like when someone punches you in the stomach and all the air gets blown out of you. Silly isn't it? But thats oddly who I am.
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