Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Confessions of A Romantic Heart

*listens to China Roses by Enya while writing this*

Um, I'd like to start off with some profound statement, but I can't think of any at the moment. sweatdrop Well, I can't sleep and my mind is full of many thoughts. Maybe I've just been watching too many romantic amv's on youtube.com, but I'm in a thoughtful and somewhat melancholy mood right now. emo For some reason, I feel like writing about love.

Hmm, well, right now I am single. emo I was in a serious relationship - it ended a few weeks ago, long story. I still feel sad about things ending the way they did, but it's probably for the best for both him & I.

Well, sometimes when I can't sleep, my mind dwells on the bleak state of things - my lack of a love life. emo The more I think about it, the more I realize that I actually do have a love life inspite of being single. My God loves me more than any human ever could. He has never let me down and never will. heart I long for Him, I wish I could see Him, I wish I could hug him. I want to feel closer to Him than I ever have before. heart

I also think of my future husband. I have no idea who he is or when I'll meet him, but I already think about him and long for him. In many ways, I feel like I've been waiting my whole life to meet him. I think about him alot, usually at least once a day I think about him and wonder who he is, where he is, when I'll meet him, and most importantly what kind of person he is. There are many wonderful character traits he will have. I've made these super long lists of them over the years in various diaries that now sit in the hope chest in my room.

A few years ago, God showed me a sort of vision about him, about how he'd feel about me, and so I know that I will get married someday. heart Sometimes I still doubt this inspite of the vision I saw. emo I know that's wrong, but sometimes, when I'm feeling lonely I fall into that train of thought - of doubting God's promise to me.

I wait for him, and in the mean time, I want to try to prepare myself to try to become the woman that he deserves to have as a wife. I have a long ways to go still, I think. I hope not, but I think it will probably be several more years before I am ready to meet him. I pray that I will meet him soon, but I also pray that I will be ready before I meet him. I wonder how much I could grow spiritually, emotionally, etc. in a year's time? .... *ponders* I will try hard ... I must ... I'm 26, and gosh darn it, I want to have children before my mid-30s if I can. I want to date for at least 7 or 8 months before marrying him, and I want to wait a minimum of 2 years of marriage before having children - I think I would prefer to wait as much as 3 - 4 years after marriage before having children.

Honestly, I'm not sure if I'll have children, but I'd like that to be an option that's open - I don't want to be too old to have children by the time I'm married. *sighs* Also, I want to get married sometime in the next 2 or 3 years because I'm really lonely. emo I really want to fall in love and be in love for the rest of my life.

From what I've heard from various people and read in various books, I've discovered that the feeling most people call "love" is little more than a mixture of infatuation and lust, and that it usually lasts 1 - 3 years. However, real love, lasting love must be something deeper - I'd like to know what that is. I am intensely curious about that - what is it? It must be a combination of a very deep friendship, combined with physical and emotional attraction. However, I still think there's some factors that I can't possibly understand until I reach that state. I've heard that real love involves commitment and sacrifice - being willing to put the other person's needs and wants above your own, taking care of each other. That sounds pretty romantic to me. heart I think, maybe even more than the initial infatuation stage, I am really looking forward to the love that lasts for life. A deep romance, with someone whose company I enjoy - someone who I love spending time with and someone who loves spending time with me - someone who likes to talk to me and to listen to me. I'm really looking forward to that. biggrin

Well, I'd better try to get some sleep now. I think I'll write more in this entry over the next few days, weeks, and months.

........................

*ponders life* Gosh, I get moody at night - often sad and depressed. Night is such a lonely time. *sighs* Ah well ... but I can't help wondering why I decided to write this in a journal which anyone can read - I'll probably delete it later. I guess maybe I'm writing it here because these are the things I wish I could say.

... or maybe I just want to be heard sad I don't know - it feels odd to write something so personal and to know that other people will read it - I should probably go back to writing in a regular diary. redface