Last night I came back once more. It's my secret where I disappeared to, but a assure you it helped me. I walked out of the bar the other night after speaking to Winnie about her son Damien. She's so heart broken about her loss and I feel for her, I only wish I felt the way she did, so I could better understand her pain. I lost my parents when I was young so you think that would effect me enough. Sadly, it does not. Although I dream of them each night and only wish I could go back and save them, I know it's not enough compared to her pain. It's something different to lose the ones who brought you in, and something even greater in difference to lose the one you brought in. That kind of brings me to the reason I left. After speaking with Winnie, I felt a hole in my being. Part of it was filling with the love I held for Francois, but the other part with still so empty and cold. Cruzniks are vampires...and vampires are the dead...so we shouldn't have heart-felt feelings...should we? What do I really know of myself? I wanted to much to cry last night, but no matter the tears wouldn't come. I've never felt the warmth of watery tears, only the cold of the ones I cannot cry. I'm going to give up any of the thoughts of having a child...it would probably be tainted anyhow, and end up hating myself and it's father for bringing it into such a hateful world where no one will befriend it. I hope I don't disappoint anyone with this idea. I think it may be for the better. Atleast it won't be stuck with a mother like myself...
.x.Audri.x. · Wed Dec 13, 2006 @ 07:44am · 0 Comments |