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Why does Gaia have to successfully make me feel even more like s**t?
They shouldn't have done a Valentine's Day event, and this Hangout feature makes me feel depressed as well.
I know its not going to happen anytime soon. I don't think its ever going to happen at all.
I didn't cry last night. I need to stick with what I set out to do. Its going to be hard and hurtful, but I have to do it for my sake and maybe Raymond's. He doesn't really talk to me as it is, so its going to be hard. I promised myself this, so I have to do it.
My heart aches to keep my feelings unknown. I want to let them out. But that will only create tension that I don't want. Even with this plan of mine, its still going to hurt. I'm scared. I sat holding my last year's valentine's day present from Raymond and didn't cry. I wanted to, but I knew it wouldn't do a damn thing. I thought, maybe if I cry enough, he will come home, but I knew that wouldn't happen. No amount of tears shed for him will bring him back until he is ready to.
And to be honest, I don't really want to do a damn thing when it comes to life. I don't want people caring for me so much. I'm glad people care, but telling me that Raymond will probably never return home made me snap. So one could say I am emotionally detached from the world right now.
Maybe that is why I cannot cry. I even looked at the Raymond's necklace, the one he had given me as a promise of him returning home again. Normally when I see it, I start to cry and pray that what he promised will be true. But this time, I just held it and watched TV.
Though what adds to my confusion and hurt is the fact that I don't know how he feels. I wish I knew how he was doing. Not knowing makes me think, and like I said, thinking is bad when it comes to me.
Today is a new day, lets see how long I can hold up.
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