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Most of my friends are telling me its stupid to want to try again with someone that hurt me so badly. And he doesn't even want to try again, even when I said I would never do anything again. Why would I if I know exactly what will happen to me if I did it again? Not only jail time, but losing someone I care about a lot.
I still care, and its stupid. I keep crying when he is happily with someone else. A person I thought to be a friend, which I was mistaken. He always had faith in me, and when I needed that faith the most it wasn't there. I don't want to fight, I don't want him to yell at me or think poorly of me. All I want is something that will probably never happen.
There just has to be a part of him that still cares for me like he used to. I don't want to let go of that hope. But now all I get is this cold hearted menace that just wants to make me feel even worse. But I still care.
I keep having dreams about him, how he won't even try to start a relationship with me again. I don't want anyone else. Even if he is bad for me, I don't want anyone else. The tables have been turned. Now he is the one hurting me in the most horrible ways.
I want to try again, and prove to him that I have changed. I don't care anymore about the past, I just want to find my future again. And for three years, I knew Raymond was my future. But how can someone that loved me so dearly do this? To be honest, I don't want to live anymore. Random people have stopped me and asked me what is wrong. Everyone can tell.
I can't eat, eventhough I am hungry, I can't sleep eventhough I can barely stay awake. My body is hurting constantly and I can't stop the pain. I'm thinking about talking into traffic on Tuesday and see if I can get hit.
My parents won't stop fighting about what is going on, and its all my fault. I know they care...but I can't take it. I've lost everything, and I will never find someone that loved me as much as he did. I've been thinking about what I can do to stop the pain. And to be honest, I don't feel so scared when it comes to dying. Nothing I can do can bring him back to me. All I want is another chance. Eventhough I know I wasted them all. I want to prove myself, and make a difference.
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