First off, I love this movie. I wrote this because its funny. I think so, anyway.
Princess Mononoke Alternative Script, Part 1.
Okoto: Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there were gods and demons. Oh, and humans too.
Ashitaka: (to Yakul) Lazy slug. Up that ramp!
Kaya and Girls: OHMG the fuzzy animals are gone! Save us!
Ashitaka: The old crone is calling everyone back to the village. You get going.
Ashitaka rides off gallantly into the woods to see Ji-san in the watchtower a hundred feet from any trees.
Ji-san: Look! Something strange!
Ashitaka: (notches arrow) This is totally useless this far away, but I look cool!
Ji-san: Whatever.
The demon/boar/insect/leech bursts through the wall and charges the really tall tower.
Yakul: 0_o
Ashitaka: Dumb beast!
Yakul: 0_o
Ashitaka shoots at Yakul, misses, and the elk runs away.
Ashitaka: Damn. Oh, well, might as well leave before the demon pushes us off the cliff.
Ashitaka magically unstrings his bow and grabs Ji-san before jumping into the magically appeared forest.
Ashitaka: It went over the cliff toward the village! I’ve got to be gallant and kill it!
Ji-san: Yo, I know how much you like fondling demons, but like, don’t touch it!
Ashitaka pretends not to hear as he charges toward the cliff, pulling out his custom-made Imishi elk whistle. Yakul, eager to make contact with a leech demon, trots up cheerily. Ashitaka restrings his bow and rides after the demon.
Ashitaka: You should really go away! I may look nice, but the script says I kill you!
Demon: …
Ashitaka: What are you anyway, a leech? No, no…some kind of demon…Wait, the word God comes to mind. Yes, you must be a god. Am I right?
Demon: …
Ashitaka: All right, be that way.
Kaya and girls are running out of the woods, then turn to see the demon. Kaya (secretly a boy in disguise) yells for her friends to run. They run, but one girls trips over a blade of grass and falls. Kaya whips out a kodachi (with a reach of like, 1.5 feet) and stand her ground triumphantly. Ashitaka and demon come out of forest.
Ashitaka: Look! Kaya’s obviously not hurt, but I’m worried about her!
Ashitaka notches an arrow and takes aim at the demon.
Ashitaka: Gee, I bet shooting its eye will kill it…
Ashitaka shoots the thing in its eye, and an arm of leeches comes out to chase him. Intrigued, the prince ignores Ji-san’s warning and reaches out to touch the arm. He finds that contact with it hurts, and quickly pulls away. He manages to shoot the thing in its other eye, and the demon falls. Back at the village, the wisewoman’s piggyback ride is interrupted when she’s called to take care of Ashitaka. Carrying her bedgourd, she tells Kaya to pour the contents on Ashitaka’s wound.
Ashitaka: What is this stuff? It stings.
Wisewoman: Shut up and take it like a man.
The woman bows before the dying demon boar, narrating her movements.
Wisewoman: I’m bowing…scratching my belly…
Demon Boar: Disgusting little creature! I don’t give a wolf’s tail what you do.
Wisewoman: I was just being polite…*sniffle*
The boar dies, and its body returns to hell. Everyone goes up to the wisewoman’s house. She throws some random rocks to pass the time.
Ashitaka: *ahem*
Wisewoman: What?
Ashitaka: Are you going to banish me, or what?
Wisewoman: Oh, was I? Erm, okay…You must go to…um…the forest, to find a herring – no, I mean the Lands to the West, to look around with eyes unclouded by cataracts. See, you have to look for a cure to the mark, ‘cause its gonna eat your soul.
Ashitaka: Bummer.
Wisewoman: Yeah, whatever. Cut off your topknot and leave.
Ashitaka goes to the stables to retrieve Yakul, wearing last year’s Halloween costume. He is about to ride of gallantly into the moonset, but Kaya calls him back.
Kaya: Wait! I want to give you my precious shard of rock!
Ashitaka: All right, make it quick.
Kaya gives him the ‘crystal dagger’ and he rides off gallantly into the moonset. He travel across the Great Plains in Colorado, over the Golden Gate Bridge, and finally, some girls pay him to strip and cross the river.
Kurane Kumiko Community Member 
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