many people have what one can call armor or a shild. Something that they put on to hide how they really feel. But their armor can stay on as long as they wish and take it off when they so choose. I wear a much smaller form of hiding. I wear but a mask to hide my filth of emotions. And because i wear such a small thing it takes control to hide it all and smile and once its on i dont really know how to take it off. It have become a part of me. Though without noticing it comes down around certain people at times.
But my mask gets filthy as some of the emotions seem to begin to slip through. I must clean it at times like these. Almost every night I take a shower. Sure i take a shower to clean my body and hair... but thats not the real reason. I dont really take a shower unless something is wrong and my emotions are too much... either that or i smell. So I keep the water cold... its a delicte prosses... the cleaning of my mask. I must begin in cold water and keep my mask on as the rince washes over my face cleaning the outside of the mask. But then.. once the exterier is clean.. I have onlt to clean the inside. To clean the inside i must remove it completely.
I turn the water as hot as it will go and first let it wash over my shoulders and head and run down my breasts arms stomach and thighs. Then I remove my mask with my head leaning back and eyes closed I let my emotions surface. Thats when the tears come. They come and they dont seem to stop. but once they do the rage and jealously and confusion and hate and dislike seems to explode from within me. I ball my hands into fists and open my eyes to stare at the ceiling. I start to shake and my eyes almost bulge. But I have learned that the emotions never truly go away they just calm down and the hight of it all washes off of my with my dirt and grime into the drain i stand above.
Last is the final rince. I turn the water cold again and face it letting the liquid ice run over my face closing my pores and putting a thin layer of my mask on. I drop my head and stare at the floor of my shower and let the water run down my face and gather at my nose and eyes to fall to the drain. This is the final step to the cleansing of my mask. The mask forms as the water gathers. I turn off the shower once i have re-gathered my strength and step out of the shower to dry my wet nude body and i stand there for a moment with my towel around me as i think of what i just did and the physical effect it has on my body and i say "Im never going to do that again". The very next day its the same thing. I go through the day pretending to be happy. My mask falls for the people i love and i wash it all away and bury the rest deep inside of me. Tonight my mask is muchly needed for tomorrow is a happy day... and i will not have to experience ill emotions tonight after i have already cleansed my mask. I refuse to.
Its a good thing no one reads my journals... its a good thing no one cares enough to see that perhaps today there is something that actually means something. If they did... I suppose they were get angry or begin to judge me because i hold my mask to my face. but this is my doing and my choice. Do not preach to my my friends. I know what im doing.
 Vampiress Alexandria · Mon Jan 29, 2007 @ 11:06pm · 0 Comments |
