1. Repeat thoughtfully the last word of everything your roommate says (e.g., Your roommate: "How are you doing today?" You: "Today . . . Today . . . ?" wink
2. Continuously refer to your roommate using terms of endearment (sweetcheeks, honeybuns). Slap him/her in the face if s/he ever does the same.
3. Kill several people. Store the corpses underneath your roommate's bed. Call the police.
4. Become Forrest Gump.
5. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
6. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
7. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
8. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtly. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
9. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
10. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class.
11. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
12. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
13. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
14. Smile. All the time.
15. Dye all your underwear lime green.
16. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
17. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
18. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
19. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
20. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
21. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why . . ." Be creative.
22. Shave one eyebrow.
23. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
24. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka" and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
25. Listen to radio static.
26. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's Email.
27. If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
28. Whenever your roommate goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel, and go shower too.
29. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
30. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
31. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.
32. Skip to the bathroom.
33. Collect Chia-Pets.
34. Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
35. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done it."
36. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report.
37. Drink a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
38. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it regularly and frown.
39. Bring in potential new roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room.
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