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Stupid-no-Jutsu : The art of being stupid.
Finally released in a totally unabridged format.


People who see nothing but the lighter side of things are more vulnerable than those who see the darkness.

I live in a world of darkened colors, perhaps in a sea of grey if you will. The color has been drained from even the brightest things that did wonders for a low self-esteem. You see things in neutral. Not to bright, not to dark, just right. I would love to wake up one morning and say "what a wonderful day to be alive", but I know full well that such a day will not be in my future. It shall be the same thing, not changing.

Most people are tired of my sarcastic, or even sardonic point of view on life. Life is in no way a bloody picnic people. Stop saying that there is good. Oh yeah, look forward to being married, having children, and having a good job. In the real world, it is hard to have all three and actually maintain happiness. I see myself as a wicked old hag that will live in a house full of cats until the day I die. My happiness has been stripped from me, and it left me exposed, naked, and extrememly vulnerable.

I would be happy to have someone love me. Someone that would always be there for me, and that will wait for me. I thought I had that love, right in my pocket, close to my heart. But no, that has been taken obviously, and given to the first pair of breats that said "hey, you're cute". So spare me your "you'll find another man" speech for when I want to listen.

For people who know me, they can tell you that I will not find a man. For no one likes me in that fashion. You can introduce me to a hundred men, and they will not look at me as something more than a friend. I am not what the tabloids would call beautiful, or even attractive. I may be okay looking, but thats it. I'm average, and nothing more. Oh I used to think of myself as something special, something wonderful, and something that was worthy of life. Pah. What do you think now? I try hurting myself to relieve the pain.

Few people can understand how wonderfully it works. Everyone thinks of it as taboo. But it is actually a great stress reliever if used once in a while. I hurt people I care about, they hurt me too. I'm tired of being the punching bad, the go to person, and always left out when I'm not needed. I'm a bitter, vindictive person when you cross the line. So far only Raymond and Pam have crossed that line with their so-called relationship. Its bogus, and I think, or more so I hope, it crashes to the ground and that Raymond realized that he has wronged so many people.

It takes a big person to admit their mistakes. I have done my share. Yes, I was in the wrong, and I may still be in it, but you know what, it doesn't matter.

Nothing really matters in a world of grey.










User Comments: [3] [add]
Clewgurl88
Community Member
avatar
commentCommented on: Tue Mar 08, 2005 @ 11:15pm
crying I just want you to be happy without pretending...


commentCommented on: Tue Mar 08, 2005 @ 11:19pm
Then that will have to wait a long long time.

I don't want to pretend, but it always happens. This fake hyper is nothing but a coverup to make sure I don't cause problems, y'know.



ShaIIow
Community Member
Priya
Community Member
avatar
commentCommented on: Fri Mar 11, 2005 @ 06:20am
You're right. The whole "you'll find someone better" speech is played out beyond belief. If you actually do find someone better, they are just as much worse than the last loser. Take pride in being independent. Love sucks. Period. No, not everyday will come up with roses, thing is though not every day will also suck like hell. It might for a while, maybe a long while, but it will come to an end, and one day you will have more "rose days" than dead days, so if there is anything you need to look forward to, is that. Also, don't expect it to come as a typical good day. On the day where one might call its a "rose day" you might not get money, and no guy may say "hey sexy" to you, but you'll find out something really great about yourself, or someone will say something to you so simple but so brilliant that it carries you through the day. Never depend on people to make you happy cause they can make you just as unhappy. Very little in this world and in this life is everlasting or guarenteed. Love is the least of the two. Its unpredictable, and for many a horrid little parasite that sucks everything you've got. The trick is, I think, is to make sure there is some happiness, something that reminds you "my life isn't exactly over" cause some guy makes you feel like s**t. Then, when that day comes, you can think about the little bit of positivity that you tucked away somewhere, and let it be a foundation to make things better. Take it from someone who is pretty much all the time sarcastic, sardonic, morbid, and everything else. Those methods are terrific for building yourself a nice shell for no one to get into, but one day someone will, and you won't be able to use those tactics to protect yourself anymore. That will also be the day you grow as a person, and become a stronger, smarter Tina than anyone ever expected you to be. I think thats all I have to say. This was ment not to cheer you up persay, but to give you something to chew on. So this is where I end it, with faith in you that you'll face your new independence with courage, and strength, and that you'll "rise out of the ashes" and become the pheonix many know you can be.


User Comments: [3] [add]
 
 
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