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what matters?

lately i've been asking myself that non-stop...

i've been pushing the one person i love away because i'm afraid...

i feel like an idiot for but i don' know how to stop this feeling.

i want to be with him more than anything, but distance... the unknown scares me.

i want he and i to work out and be together... but i don't want him to have to put up with my emotions... all they do is hurt everyone around me including me... they aren't fair to him or me or anyone around me. i don't know how to say how i feel so all i can say is "i don't know". i don't know how to speak up for myself and my emotions... i'm trying to learn, but i keep getting scared. i don't want to make anyone mad. i hang up or sign off when i'm scared... its how i block people and problems out... it's not the right way to deal with things but its the thing that works for me... i feel horrible about it though... as i should i guess...

i keep making excuses for myself to myself... false ones... i know i'm in the wrong... and i feel horrible about taking things out of him... the one person i know loves me and cares about me... i want to make things right... i'm just afraid of making things even worse... is that bad? i feel like it is. i don't want to lose him but i think i will...

i just hope he'll forgive me and see how much i truly love him... he really does have my heart... and my soul. i never thought i could love anyone ever again... i put so many shields and yet he got threw them... impressive i say... amazing too... i wish he knew how amazing he is and how amazing he makes me feel. he brings another side of me out... a side i never knew was there... a good side... a happy side.

{Note to Frank}
Frank you are the one i love... that will never change... you will always have my heart... my soul... me... i'm sorry i act how i do and take things out on you... i love you more then life itself. you make life better for me. i never thought i'd be happy with my life at all... you changed that... you keep making it better and better. you keep making me better and better. inside you have the biggest heart and you share it with so many people... not many people do that anymore... i respect you for being "different". i guess thats a big reason of why i love you so much. i want to be with you... emotionally and physically... i know we can't be face to face for a while but one day i want to wake up next to you and go to sleep next to you (which would help on the waking up next to you). the way we talk is great... you're so open with me even when i'm really closed up. i love how you tell me how you feel... even when it makes me uncomfortable... i don't say things make me uncomfortable cause i want you to speak your mind...

i guess what i'm trying to say is... i'm sorry...

i love you so much, i hope you can forgive me.

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