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Kinda feeling as though i should give up on everything in my life. i feel useless... unwated... a failure.
feeling like this i feel is ruinning my relationship with Frank, which is something i don't want. i love him so much. he makes me feel happy and free.
I'm afraid of meeting him and hating how i am... i hate how i am... but i fear change. i always have. i don't know why i hate change so much.

I just don't know how i can make things work... and i'm afraid that how i am... how i can't explain myself... will make me lose him forever...

There are two songs i keep playing over and over...

Wonderwall
by Oasis

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

Backbeat the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead you there were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe (I said maybe)
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe (I said maybe)
You're gonna be the one that saves me (that saves me) 3X

AND

Listen To Your Heart
by D.H.T.

I know there's something in the wake of your smile
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yeah
You've built a love but that love falls apart
A little piece of heaven turns too dark

Listen to your heart
When he's calling for you
Listen to your heart
There's nothing else you can do
I don't know where you're going
And I don't know why
But listen to your heart
Before you tell him goodbye

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yeah
They're swept away and nothing is what it seems
The feeling of belonging to your dreams

Listen to your heart
When he's calling for you
Listen to your heart
There's nothing else you can do
I don't know where you're going
And I don't know why
But listen to your heart
Before you tell him goodbye

And there are voices
That want to be heard
So much to mention
But you can't find the words
The scent of magic
The beauty that's been
When love was wilder than the wind

Listen to your heart
When he's calling for you
Listen to your heart
There's nothing else you can do
I don't know where you're going
And I don't know why
But listen to your heart
Before you tell him goodbye

Listen to your heart
Mm mm mmmm

I don't know where your going
And I don't know why
But listen to you heart
Before you tell him goodbye

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

4:54am::::I can barely keep my eyes open... i need sleep... someone call me and talk to me!

what sleep deprivation has made me do....

i call it.... rare BARF!

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