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truth
yesterday while sitting with my mom (since she wanted to talk) i found out that i have no friends... that she wants me to be clubbing... for the longest time she told me..."just stick to your school stuff"..."doesn't matter if you talk to people or stay alone"... and now she expects me to be social... i'm not a social person. i'm shy and very to myself... she doesn't understand that. she claims to be worried about me... i don't know. doesn't feel like worry... feels more like pushing me to do something i just don't want to do.
everytime she and i are talking i feel like lifting my sleeve to show her my cuts. but i don't want to have to deal with being yelled at or asked a billion questions i don't have answers for.
Frank thinks i should talk to someone.... but with how i feel... i really don't want to. i don't want to relive this s**t over and over... i did that in high school and it lead to me attempting suicide... obviously it didn't happen sadly.
Sometimes i think everyone would be alot better off if i died... then my mom wouldn't get annoyed by her parents who b***h about me all the time and say how much of a failure i am... and how much of one she is because she has a "retart" for a daughter as my grandfather says it... there are many thing they hate about me... i don't think they have ever said anything nice. i doubt they ever will...
I just want all this to stop... all the pain... but i know it won't just stop... i know if i want it to stop i have to make it stop... i'm afraid to be happy though.everytime i've been happy something bad happens... and i guess i can't deal with that... i can't deal with many things lately.
When i cut or hurt myself in some way... there's so much relief. i don't know how to explain it... everyone has their own relief... mine if just a little more mutilation then anything.
i have cut myself over 1000times in the past 7years... i have burned myself with salt and ice over 10times.... i have taken pills over 5 times... been in the hospital over 10times for either cutting, suicide attempt, or being beaten the s**t out of. I can still see every scar... maybe other people can't... but i can... and i can remember why i cut....
i said this was going to be truthful... i don't want you to read this and think emo... but hey if you want to label me... go for it... i honestly don't give a crap...
I have nothing to give anyone... i'm sorry... but i just don't... i don't know if i ever have or ever will. all i can give is my love... and even that i feel like i'm screwing up on...
I love Frank more than anything, but i keep trying to push him away. i know why i'm doing it... i don't want him to hate me for cutting or anything... i'm afraid of hurting him... as stupid as it sounds.... but i don't not want him to feel pain because of me.
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Community Member