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So.
I've been kind of putting this off latley.
I've been putting a lot of things off.
Friends.
Homework.
School in general.
I know I've failed this semester.
It's my own fault.
I need to try harder.
But I'm just .. just not interested.
My heart lies in the kitchen.
It's where I want to be.
Not trapped in some desk, writing down notes and facts that are useless to me.

I'm nervous about tomorrow.
I'm always nervous before I cater.
But it always turns out perfect.

I have an odd feeling about tomorrow.

Things feel .. different.
I don't like it.

I'm so stressed.

With school.
With them.
Learning to drive now.
Work, and the approaching summer .. more work, less friends.

I just.
I don't know what to do

I feel different after last Saturday.
I broke a promise to myself.
To myself.
So I got a little drunk.
Okay. A lot drunk.
But I look at myself different now.
And I don't like what I see.
I see a babbling idiot who dosen't know her limit.
Who spent a night hung over a toilet, blabbering on to her friend about everything, pointless things that no one needs to know.
I'm so embarassed.

I see a girl who is willing to give up everything for him.
Who wants to close her eyes and jump into unknown waters.
Not know what's going to happen, for once. Once in her so far, short life.
Take a risk.

See.
Now I'm babbling again.

I haven't written a letter in so long.
I need to.
I used to do it every night before I went to bed.
And now I find myself staring at the book, telling myself I'll do it later.
Like I do with everything else in my life.

Maybe I am depressed.
Stressed.
I am stressed.
No denying that.

I can't sleep at night.
I try to.
God how I try to.
Then I pay for it durring the day.

Jiji.
I miss you.
Big brother.
I did something so horrible.
You'll never look at me the same.
Or trust me ever again.
Nothing I can ever do will fix that.
And it .. tears at me so much.
So god damned much.
I know you read my journal.
You told me so.
To find out how I am, without really asking.

I lie to everyone.
Put on a face and tell them I'm okay. I'm fine. Nothing's wrong. I can handle it.

I'm not okay.
I'm not fine.
Things are wrong.
I can't handle it.

Oh god.
Drama.
Drama I don't need.
Drama I crave, but don't need.

I let something slip to you, my love.
I'm surprised you didn't ask more about it.
Maybe you will.
I don't know.
Remember?
About giving up.
More than just a dream.

Anyway.
This is getting long.
And you people probably stopped reading long ago.

It's 4:30 am.
I'm going to .. try to sleep.
Probably will just toss and turn.
********.

I love you.