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Lately, I've been realizing more and more that death has a hold on me still. sad In so many ways, I am just waiting to die ... I've begun to see how much I still exist in that mindset ...

It's sad ... I still see myself as so worthless ... so unimportant, insignificant, worthless ... such a mistake, such a failure.

I'm still fighting death constantly, it still has a hold on me ... I still yearn for it ... I feel like someone at a card game who has played their cards badly and all that's left is to lose - that there's no way for me to be seen as worthy and valuable by my parents, by myself, by my peers, or by guys. I want to love and be loved, but I feel so worthless, I can't believe it could ever happen, or that if if did, that the person who would love me would be wrong for me. sad

I'm not sure what I'm more scared of - never getting married, or marrying the wrong person! sad

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It's going to take a miracle to save me from the hand of death in my life. There is still so much of me that feels like all my chances and time are over and gone. "Game Over" is the message flashing in my heart ...

Death still whispers to me, still says to me, "I will embrace you gently ... you weren't made for this place ... you're too fragile ..." Death and despair both have a hold on me ...

I look at successful people around me and feel like I'm never going to amount to anything - like I'll always be a jobless bum living from penny to penny ... God, help me to see myself as valuable ... please ... it's the only way I can come fully alive, I think ...

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a prayer:

Help me, God ... get rid of the despair in me ... teach me to live again ... release me from the chains of death and despair ... help me ...

I need hope, love, strength, and peace ... Help me, God. Show me that the best years of my life aren't over with. Show me that life is good even if it's long, that it won't be a downhill journey. Show me hope, and cherish me, reach down and save me. Reach down and help me, save me ... romance me, show me that I am precious, with a worth that cannot be taken away. Show me my beauty, my talents, skills, etc. Show me, more than any of that, that there is a worth in me that has nothing to do with such superficial things. Speak to me as I am in my heart, the little girl weeping in the corner, wearing rags, covered in dirt and sores, sitting in filth - this is how I feel in my heart. Please come to that girl, and save her ... she's so sad, God, and so afraid. She's ready to die, she wants to die more than anything else. She doesn't want to go on. Come to that part of me, come to all of me, inner child and young woman, to ever part of me and reach out to heal the wounds ... too long I've been waiting for a miracle ... but You've already given me so many ... does my heart forget so quickly? sad

That wounded child, that inner child in my heart, hold her in Your arms, God. Fight off the unseen spirits that surround her and whisper of death to her. She's not strong enough to fight them off, she doesn't know how. Never let them claim her. God, remind me that I don't have to live as she did ... I'm not her anymore even if she's still part of me ... poor, precious little one, so shattered and abused, broken and misused ... poor child ...

I was so alone and so afraid. So sad, and so old in my pain, so old and so dead.

God, reach out to her, and reach out to me, the adult me. Show me who I am, show me my inner and outer beauty, show me that I am worthy of love, show me that I am worthy of life, show me that I am precious. Never let me go.

Fight against the demons of death and despair. Free me from their grasp. Save me from them. Their claws are open, waiting to receive me. Refuse to surrender me, help me to stay away from them, help me not to choose death. Help me to choose life. Help me to live. Bring me peace. Help me, save me, help me ... Bring joy and renewal to my life again ... save me ... I cry out to You. You are my one and only hope ... I reach out for You blindly, praying that You will help, that you will save me from death and despair ...

Teach me how to answer when they call, how to turn them away ... let me grieve when and what I must, but do not let me surrender to despair ... never let them define and claim me ... save me, save me ...