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I am more than my body. I am more than a half checked chore chart. I am more than a cook, more than a scheduler, more than a card holder. I am an ethereal being. My soul stretches high and wide and yearns to wander, twist, and soar throughout the possibility that is our world. I am complex and radiant. I am simple and dark. I am deserving of intimate love so powerful it consumes me with burning fury. I am made for giving up, not holding back. I am powerful and strong and wise and beautiful. I am weak and naïve and ugly. I am many things and more. I want to be seen. I want to bare all that there is to bare and relish in the warmth of love, understanding, and compassion that the world has to offer. I want to free myself of the chains that bind me. I want to be loud. I want to be noticed. I want to be understood that I am more.
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Hopefully I have returned. |
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I think I may have returned from my hiatus. Are the things that I love still here? Do my friends have lives they would like to share with me? How do I fit in in this new and improved Gaia? It certainly is wild to think about now. This place used to be my life. I used to feel like I was making a difference. I've read things that others have posted about me and the work I did and it really makes me emotional. I want to rise up and challenge the way things are done. We all have the tools to better our lives. Make your life what you want to make it. Seize every opportunity to better yourself, or even to better the life of someone else. I am excited to return with a better outlook on life, I only hope the same opportunities are still here, lying and waiting for someone to kindle a fire under them.
All in all, I've missed you Gaia. And I love you. razz
 MorganeLeFaye · Thu Oct 06, 2011 @ 06:17am · 0 Comments |
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Hello everyone.
As you may or may not have noticed, in the past three weeks I have only been online once. This is my computer's fault, as the filters on in are incredibly strict and block gaia. Ever since getting my computer, we've gotten yet another member in our house, making the total up to five people, three cats, and two huge hanging plants. We had to rearrange the house for our latest addition, which cut my home PC off from the internet. IE- No gaia for Melissa.
Then, I realized, that the majority of the internet isn't important to me. I feel a lack of meaning. Sure, I run a Pagan newspaper and I am the owner of the most awesome Pagan guild in all of Gaian existence, but I am not qualified to host those things. What made me think that I could help these people learn more when I myself am in fact still learning. Sure, I know learning never stops, but their is a point in where the learner can become a teacher, and I am not there yet.
So, I am removing myself from the internet. I need meaning- existing simply is not enough. I need to do something, I need to learn and create. I need to rebuild old ties with my brother's mom so hopefully one day I can see him again. I need to get out into the world. I've realized that college isn't going to come any faster, so I might as well use my spare time doing community service and helping animals. I need to make a difference. I am leaving, but hopefully everything will be taken care of. I'm sorry that I've left such a mess, it was out of my control. I love you guys, and I hope that one day your eyes are opened as well.
Brightest Blessings and Best Wishes,
Melissa
MorganeLeFaye · Sun Oct 08, 2006 @ 05:29pm · 0 Comments |
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I had another wierd dream... o.O
I don't remember how my dream started, but I had just given birth to a baby girl. She was staying at the hospital, and I was at home because my mom didn't know. I hadn't known that I was pregnant.I did know, however, that I had been with Aaron nine months ago, therefore it was his child.
I had to go to school, but that didn't really work out, somehow people there knew. I went back home in the middle of the day and hung out in my room, feeding my daughter (she was magically there.. >.> wink . There was a cat lounging in the window. So Tina's (my step brother's real mom) mom (Nana) came and picked me up and took me somehwere. I remember at one time I actually had my baby with me, in the car, and she needed to be fed.I asked Nana what she thought I should name her while I was feeding her. I said "I was thinking about 'Faye'." and she said "So was I." I looked out the window, and I saw my mom pulling out of a bank on Broad Street as we were crossing. I had a big white rose in my hand, holding it up to the glass. She looked at me but we kept on going. It was night time. So then we went to this forest (there were more leaves on the ground than in the trees) and we had to go down this path (daytime again). Nana was holding Faye, I hardly ever held her in my dream, basically just when she needed to be breast fed. There were the foxes. One was gray/silverish and huge and long and ran up when we first went on the path. It stood with it's front legs up on a rock, looking in the direction that we came from. He had something around his neck, and I think he had two big fluffy tails. When I turned around from looking at him, I saw two smaller black foxes, one was laying on the groud on the left side of the path, pretty close to us, and one zipped past into the bushes.We kept walking and there were other little animals, all small and furry and cat-like. Nana had come to feed them. I went to go pet one, but it bite my hand, all sideways with my fingers between it's teeth like Jesus bites me. She put the food down and they all immediately fell asleep.
Next thing I know, we are at a house that Nana lives in. Tina is standing next to an incredibly cluttered circular table and is holding and oogling Faye, and I turn around and Mikey is there setting up some board game. I scream with joy and I hug him and squeeze him and I'm crying so hard (my throat hurt) and I said "I missed you so much!! I love you so much!" And he responded that he did too. Much squeezing and hugging and crying then happened. >.>. I turned us so I can see Tina and Faye and there was a Pagan music video on the tv but it immediately turned to some weird live-action version of "Aladin." When I pulled away from Mikey so he could breathe, he had placenta and stuff on his face, and he was much older (20's?). That's when my mom woke me up.
Before I went to bed last night, I chanted three times "Guardians of my dreams, show me what must be seen." It all felt so real that I was scared to wake up this morning because I had to tell my mom that I had a baby with Aaron.... o.O
MorganeLeFaye · Mon Aug 28, 2006 @ 04:31pm · 3 Comments |
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Ahh, I had a fantabulous day!
I broke it off with spineless Eric yesterday, and I went over Aaron's house today.
I was so giddy and happy to be single! >.<
And then, I had a wonderful time at Aaron's. I never really truly beleived that he still loved me, but today changed my mind about everything. It was like sweet verification of something that I had been longing for for so long, but doubted would ever exists again. I am loved. heart
And it's okay that I'm forbidden by his girlfriend to be with him, because just knowing that he loves me is enough. He only said it once, after I said it, but it was right as I was leaving. I was crying because I had pushed him into a bad decision. I hadn't expected him to come downstairs and wait with me while my mom came to get me. The way he looked at me told me the truth. He had been looking at me like that for most of the night.
I'm so happy to be loved. Especially by someone as wonderful as him. heart
He never has to say it again.
MorganeLeFaye · Thu Aug 17, 2006 @ 06:48am · 4 Comments |
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No one will read this so I'm going to say what I have to say without fear of being accused of wanting a pity party.
Life for me ******** sucks right now.
I have no friends. The only friend I do have did something hurtful to me less than a year ago. Yes, I know, all friends hurt you eventually, but this was really bad. BUT, I got over that. I went with her to Ozzfest this past weekend, it was my first social outting since before school ended. I even managed to ******** up there, who knows what damage I did. I'm forgetful, and I forgot something very important until it was too late. Even now it's something that I want to do again. What kind of person am I?
I was stupid and gave up the man of my dreams. He wants to be friends but inside that just isn't possible. Everytime we talk it is like torture. I just want to kiss him and to hold him and to tell him how much I ******** care. I love him so much. I tried so hard to get him to talk to me when we were dating. It's always afterwards that he tells me my flaws, where I went wrong. I'm controlling, and I can't help it. It's chased away my friends, online and off, and the love of my life. I want to see him again so badly. I want to cry in front of him and know that he will hold me. His online boyfriend that he's had since like Janurary recently told him that he's actually a girl. Aaron still loves her, though. Now there is definitely no room for me in his life, other than being a "friend". Grrr, I just remembered that she used to call him "Master", but he wouldn't allow it. He was my ******** Master! My wonderful Sir... I tried so hard to please him, to give him everything he wanted...
Sure, I have a boyfriend. He doesn't love me though. What I want is to be loved. I want to feel comfortable around who I'm with in any given circumstance. I want to know that I don't have to ask for anything, and neither do they, and we both know what the other wants. I want to know that I always have a place to stay in case we ever get kicked out. My boyfriend could never offer me that. He "deeply cares for me". Yeah, that definitely means talking to me like I'm an idiot ALL THE TIME, in any conversation, because I don't understand anything about cars. I don't understand why he can't make any moves for himself. I want someone who can handle taking charge every now and then. He never cuddles. I don't think that he is what I want, no matter how many different ways I try to look at him. I'm trying really really hard to get him to love me. I'm so lame. The only people who love me are my mom and my cat Kiki. Jesus (the cat) even hates me. I just feel all alone.
I have to work today from 1-6. I've got really awful sunburn, so I didn't sleep well last night. My shirt is hardly sunburn-friendly. I can't lift my arms above my head without tearing up. This should be interesting. I don't have the option of calling in because it is too short-notice for me to get someone to cover for me. Besides, I need the money.
I've got an interview with Lane Bryant tomorrow. I was feeling confident before I got the sunburns. I'm a care-free teenage girl, now. I've got time to go to the beach and hang out with friends... ;-; At least, that's how I think they will see me. I feel sick to my stomach. I hope it isn't sun-poisoning or whatever. I can't afford a hospital bill.
Nevermind, my mom says I can't go to work today. I am trying to find someone to cover for me today. No one is picking up their phone, though. Grr, how frustrating. My mom says it might be sun-poisoning. I can't lift my arms up past my shoulders, it hurts too bad. I had to get a step-stool just to get the pain killers off of the damn refrigerator. I can't pick up my cat to make him stop being bad. I feel so weak and it's pissing me off.
*sighs* I'm just ready to move on in my life. I need to get out of this phase and move into the one where I start getting my own house and actual have control over the things around me. Life won't be so inconsistent. Maybe that's why I am controling in social situations? I don't know. I don't care. I just want to sleep. But I can't, it hurts too much. stare
MorganeLeFaye · Mon Aug 07, 2006 @ 03:08pm · 4 Comments |
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