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***This is me venting...most people don't want to hear about a depressed pregnant lady, cuz you're supposed to be happy if you're pregnant. Don't get me wrong I'm very happy I'm going to be having a child. I've just got some things nagging at my mind and I need to vent them. I don't need to discuss them. I don't need empathy or sympathy. I'm fine. Thank you for caring! I really mean that.***

Expect the worst, hope for the best and be happy with your life that exists somewhere in between.

I can't remember how many people I've told that, or some varient, to.

Why is it that when we learn something we can live by it for awhile, but inevitably we forget and have to relearn it?

Its those times in my life when I let expectations and hope combine that I am truely disappointed.

It is sad that when my expectation and my hope is to simply be remembered by a few key people. I suppose I was remembered.....

I was wished a Happy Mother's Day by many via text or phone....and that was all.

Its not like I expected grand gestures or anything like that, but I expected a little...a little something...caring, love...someone to imply that I am someone worthy of more than a mere thought.

My father doesn't believe you have any right to celebrate mother's day until you have given birth and he was the most caring person I saw yesterday.

After sitting at home all day waiting for...well, anything...I went to dinner with Gma, Mom & Dad. I picked up Gma & Mom, and Dad met us at Kwans.

While Gma, Mom and I were waiting... Mom complimented my outfit. I pointed out to her I was wearing maternity pants, cuz, eventhough I haven't gained a pound, my waist is enough bigger my normal pants are very uncomfortable. Gma (who is completely aware that I am pregnant) "Why are you letting yourself get fat?"

Seriously, what the hell?!...BABY! I couldn't believe her...I suppose it shouldn't have been such a shock, knowing my Gma, but really. So I explain to her that I'm pregnant and that while I have been watching what I eat and while I have not gained a pound, my waist is expanding because there is a baby in there and because of that expansion my pants no longer fit as they are too snug in the waist.

"Well, you shouldn't let yourself get fat like that." At this point I'm glad I've learned to control my temper...I'm glad I've learned that there is no point in arguing with people that refuse to see reason...So, I just let it slide. I smiled at her, smiled at mom and greated my dad who had just arrived.

I feel kinda selfish being annoyed that people didn't live up to my expectations of them...because...well, mother's day is for the kid to appreciate the mom and there is no kid yet. I also feel its the dad's day to show the mom he loves her, the maker of his children...but in my life, there really isn't a dad to love me.

I know he is annoyed because I feel he is detached from the pregnancy, but I just don't see how I can feel anything differently. I get up everymorning. I have to watch what I eat, what I drink. I have to live well, rest often. I have to have my body change into something that doesn't quite seem like me anymore. I have to be poked, proded and morphed into something resembling a human and yet acting as a cow. I have to do all the shopping. I have to assemble all the furniture. I have to set and keep all the umpteen appointments to check on my progress turning into a human cow. I have to do so many things and I have to do them ALONE. So where is it that I should feel the attachement to him? Where is the support and love that should make me feel he is a part of this? Why does he think he is attached to this pregancy when my boss has done more for me than he has? Granted, its his sperm...but these days, that doesn't mean a thing. How many children out there are not attached to one parent or the other...so that sperm or that egg doesn't mean everything. I'm having this child. I'm keeping this child. I'm raising this child. I really do HOPE that he'll be a part of this childs life. I really do HOPE that he'll support me and love me so I don't go through this alone. I EXPECT nothing. Sadly...I'm a little surprised everymorning to get his "Goodmorning" text, because that means there is one more day until he disappears.

I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish when he says he's not the man he used to be I could believe him....but honestly, I'm afraid to believe him...I'm afraid to believe that he has changed only to find out he hasn't. I'm afraid I can't handle the disallusionment. I hope that I don't drive him away with my distrust, but I expect that I will. And to him, I'm sorry...I've heard these lines before and I just can't make myself believe that this time they are true.