So I haven't wrote in awhile. No excuse except that it takes time and I didn't have it. Plus I didn't really want to go on to the next part of the story. I wanted to stay in that little happy place I was in during that time forever. Not have to fall back down.
And it's not like anyone reads this anyways.
So I want to give a little background information on me and the guy. This wasn't our first time dating. Or even our second. But let me start from the beginning.
He went to my school for a long time, but I never knew him. He was in the french-emersion program. I was just in english. The two groups didn't mix very often.
I met him during the winter of grade 7. My friend (not the same one who ended up dating him) had a crush on him because that's what she does-she crushes on guys she doesn't even know. She only liked him for around a day but on that day she invited him to come to the indoor skating rink and skate with us (like we did every friday). He came but he didn't have skates so we took turns, one of us skating the other two talking. I don't know what we talked about, but we talked about something: it wasn't just awkward silence. It was a long time ago though, so I can't remember what exactly.
It was almost a year before I talked to him again. It was a few weeks into grade 8 and I had forgotten my math textbook at school. My teacher had literally assigned us 100 questions. I was only a block away when I noticed the book wasn't in my bag, so I headed back. He saw me and asked what I was doing and decided to accompany me. I'm pretty sure that he didn't even remember that we had talked before. While walking to get the book and walking back home (which was only 4 blocks) 3 people asked us if we were dating.
After that we started talking.
He asked me if I wanted to go to the Halloween dance at my school with him and I said sure. But then he started dating one of my friends. Well not a friend persay. A friend of a friend who used to be a friend when I was younger. So I told him to just go with her instead. But then they broke up. So we did go together. It was all very confusing.
But yes, I went to the dance (dressed as a witch might I add) and slow danced with him. The height thing was a bit awks (he's only like 5"5) but it was okay. I rather liked him. It wasn't until a month after this that we actually started going out. By that time, of course the entire school thought that we already had been going out for awhile. This is how it normally is with me.
So we went out for around a week. We kissed 3 times (if I remember correctly) but only pecks. I stopped liking him. I can't remember why, but I remember me trying to figure out how to break up with him and him breaking up with me instead. But not in the "I'm-breaking-up-with-you-because-I-don't-like-you" way. More of the "I-can-see-you-don't-like-me-so-I'll-just-make-this-easier-for-the-both-of-us" way.
Then he dated two of my friends. Again, not the one that I talked about in the earlier post. two different ones. These weren't close friends and both only for a week but whatever. We joked that he would go through our entire friend circle.
But anyways, right after him and the last one broke up (oh and did I mention she broke up with him too? I'm pretty sure everyone did), I liked him. To be more specific, I liked him while he was going out with her. So after they broke up we started going out for lunch together. More specifically, we would walk down to this park that no one goes too and sit beside each other on the bench and talk and eat our lunch. It was after around 3 of these lunch dates that I stopped liking him. It wasn't even confirmed dating before I stopped liking him. I just stopped.
Then again, near the end of the year, I started liking him. The problem was then was that my friend also liked him. (and YES this is finally the friend from before.) He kinda seemed to like her too. But he also kinda seemed to like me. So after talking to one of my friends, I made him choose. And he chose me.
I was out with my friends one day and I saw him I ended up going to the park that we used to eat lunch at together. And I made-out with him. Atleast I think it was me. I doubt he would have had the courage to make the first move.
After that, it was a common thing. After school, when me and my friends normally hung out, me and him would sneak off to go make-out and talk. It was around a month before I stopped liking him then. I remember I stopped liking him a bit before graduation. We still danced together then, but I didn't like him and I think he noticed. He asked if I did the next day and said no and said it was better that way anyways because I was going away all summer and wouldn't be able to see him.
That was the summer that he dated my friend. And she broke his heart even worse than I had.
She went up to band camp near the end of the summer (she now goes to the best arts school in our city for flute). She met a guy there. And I'm pretty sure she cheated on him with this band camp guy.
Then she dated the band camp guy. Then she dated him. Then she dated the band camp guy.
He was left in shambles by the end of it though. He had always been very emotional I think, and always frightened that people would leave him but what happened with her made him even more so.
Grade 9 started. I saw my ex a few times from the times that I dumped him to the time that we dated again. But the story is more important. He dated some random girl from his new school. I was jealous. Even though he wasn't mine anymore me was still mine you know? They broke up after around a week (again) and I don't know who dumped who but based on his past history, I would guess he was the one leaving with a broken heart.
So then he came over January 25th, 2011, and we hooked up. We stayed hooking up for around a month. We were on the phone for an hour (minimum) every night. It was exactly like what a relationship would have been, except without the label. Then one day when he was over he randomly changed my relationship status on facebook to in a relationship. And all of a sudden it did have a label.
It was around 3 weeks after we became a couple that I started to not like him as much. He had gone on a trip over march break. After skating, my friend (girl) and three other friends (guys) came over to my house. My parents were out somewhere. --Main point:I got drunk and high and the guys asked for blow jobs and I turned them down because even in my impaired state I still loved him.
So I didn't do anything but when He got back he was even more clingy than ever. I wanted to tell him about how I turned them down and was a good girl even in such a bad situation. But I couldn't. For one thing I didn't think he'd really like the fact that I had drank and smoked. For another, even though I did the right thing, he would have been even more scared. I don't know why, but I know he would have.
So I never told him and he got more clingy. He always thought that I was perfect. Even when I tried to open up to him, tell him about why the butterflies were there, he just got more scared. He took all of my imperfections as something that he did wrong. And he tried even more to make me perfect inside his head. He never understood that I was a person. There's a line from one of my favourite books Paper towns by john green that says "What a treacherous thing to believe that a person is more than a person". That was the problem. I was more than a person to him:I was like a god (he wrote in the letter he gave me on valentines day "You're divine" but I am not divine. I am a human.).
So I stopped liking him. And he texted to ask if I still loved him anymore and I said I didn't know and he said he thought so and asked if we could still be friends and I said of course. And I've failed to keep that promise. and I never want to keep it. I need to keep away from him. I'll never break his heart again.
So that's what happened with him. After we broke up I started deteriorating again. Not to the extreme that I had before, but still low. But that's the next part of the story.
**Fact: After everything, I think I'm finally fine. I mean I might not be in a year or so, but for now, I'm perfectly happy.
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