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"Shoot me." Repeated Kogomi. She stood before the man. She was helpless; a pistol pointed at her head.
The man's mouth opened in shock and he lowered his arm uncertainly.
Kogomi snatched the gun, placed it against the head and pulled the trigger.

Kogomi snapped out of her daydream. She wasn't facing off with an armed stranger. She was at the neighborhood park, on the swings. It was twilight.
These suicide thoughts didn't disturb Kogomi any more; by this time, she was used to them. She used to be surprised at her suicidal daydreams. Depression had its toll on the girl.
Dejectedly lowering her head, Kogomi sighed. The park was a refuge from her home.
In all reality, she shouldn't be depressed. She didn't have a "real" reason to be clinically depressed. Her parents were good, school was fine and she had a clean, warm home. Kogomi was just weak, just a crybaby, a whiner.

At least, that's what Kogomi thought of herself.

Joyful shouts of children made Kogomi look up. there were four boys and their goldie running around. Two mothers were watching from the pavilion on the other side of the park. She noticed the bikes and helmets.

Ahh, so they must be on a little weekend bike ride.

Kogomi's eyes flicked away. Memories passed through her head.

We used to go on bike rides...but we stopped. Probably because I was such a whiny child. Just like the skiing, and going to church. We stopped because I had so many tantrums.

When Kogomi recalls the skiing and biking trips, the first ones to surface are the ones where her parents asking angerly. "Why are you always so crabby?" Or "Why do you always whine? Can't we have a good trip for once?" Even her brother asked this question a couple of times.

Some part of Kogomi's brain knew that is isn't possible that she was "always" crabby, whiny, or mad. Some trips must have been good, but Kogomi had to think hard to remember. That phrase "Why are you always?" Stuck in her memory with painful clarity.

Kogomi pulled her "courage hat" down. This was her favorite hat. She wore it when she needed comfort or courage. It was orange with fox ears. She swung for a few minutes before allowing herself to recall why she was here in the first place.

Her right arm hurt. It had been hurting for the past three days. At first it only twinged every so often, but then it began hurting when she moved her elbow, and now it was constant, from her shoulder to her wrist. Along with that, she had torn the skin of her pointer finger on her left hand about a week before and it still hadn't healed. The wound was red and extremely dry. It pulled painfully when she flexed that finger. So, all in all, Kogomi wasn't very happy that weekend. It probably didn't help that she'd forgotten to take her "happy pill" the previous night. Kogomi was supposed to clean the litter boxes on the weekend. It was a usual chore and Kogomi was going to do it. Well, as soon as her arm didn't hurt quite so much.

It was around 6:30 when Kogomi's mother passed as her daughter was watching TV. "Is dinner ready?" Kogomi asked, trying to sound cute and happy. She and her mother had all ready butted heads several times that afternoon and Kogomi was trying not to have a repeat.
"No, it's not." Her mother replied, in a bad imitation of Kogomi's tone. At first Kogomi thought her mother had mistaken her happy voice for sarcasm. Then she heard her mother add, as she walked down the hallway. "Oh and don't worry about the litterboxes, I got them." She said this in a very sarcastic, pretending-not-to-be-angry voice. Kogomi opened her mouth to give an irritated response. But she stopped. If she replied in that way, a fight was sure to follow. Her mother's remark had stung. Kogomi was going to do the damn litterboxes; she just hadn't got to it yet.
Kogomi passively watched the television until her mother passed her again, on her way downstairs. Then switching off the tv, Kogomi crept into her bedroom and shut the door. She changed into her baggy blue Pj's and slid into bed.
She often did this when she just needed comfort. She still had the blank expression on her face. Burrowing into her covers, Kogomi knew that that remark shouldn't hurt her this much. Yesterday, she would just shrugged it off, but then yesterday she had been safe. She had remembered to take her medicine that made her sane.

"Dinner's ready." Came her father's voice over the intercom.
"I'm not hungry." Kogomi replied, quietly.
"Do you want us to save you a plate?"
"No" Kogomi said, even more quietly.
" 'Kay"
Kogomi's stomach rumbled.

After about fifteen minutes, Kogomi got up and dressed in warm clothes. She realized that if she stayed in her bedroom, her bad energy was just going to pool and stagnate in the space. So she got up and walked to the park.

She didn't take her cellphone, she did however take her music.

So now she was swinging, alone, with an earbud in her ear. The children had left. Maybe if she stayed long enough, they would come looking for her. Sure, she had told her father she was going for a walk, but it didn't usually take an hour and a half to walk around the block.

Kogomi's mind echoed her mother's remark. "Oh and don't worry about the litterboxes, I got them." She searched her memory, she supposed she forgot occasionally to do her chores.

I guess its often enough to get on her nerves.

Another flashback came, it was the the day she had torn the skin off her finger. She had been walking her dog, Alice, when she passed the park. Usually if no one else was around, they would let Alice off leash to run. This was Kogomi's first time walking alone with Alice at the park. Unfortunately she wasn't alone, two woman were there with their dogs, who were playing off leash. The normally well behaved Alice went ballistic. She just wanted to go play. Kogomi tried to unclip the leash, but Alice was jumping and pulling frantically. Kogomi grabbed her collar; which Alice promptly twisted out of. That's what caused the skin to be torn; Kogomi's grip on the chain collar.

It wasn't until later that Kogomi noticed her injured finger. Blood ran down her throbbing hand. Not only was she physically hurt, but Kogomi was surprised at the panic that was welling within her. She knew that if those dogs had not been friendly or if Alice set her mind to it, Kogomi would not have any control whatsoever over the dog. That scared her.

She got home. Her mother and father were at work. Her brother was home though. Kogomi didn't want to start crying in front of him, so she waited until he left. Then, since she needed to talk to someone about the experiance at the park, she called her mother and left a message. Her mother called her about an hour later. "What happened?" She asked.
Kogomi gave her the bare bones of the facts, all the while trying not to cry. She could give her the details later.

About 9'o'clock that night, Kogomi returned to her home. She had been at her friend's house. Her mother and father were watching TV.
"I"m home."
"Hi" came the grunt from the tv room.

"How was the movie?" Her mom asked.
"Good" Kogomi replied.
"What did you watch?" Her dad asked.
"The Goonies. Did you know that Charlie hasn't ever seen that movie?"

Went Kogomi's mind as she poured herself a glass of milk. Her parents almost never asked how she was, if she had fun, etc, etc. Instead, it was-

"You know, when you give the cats their moist food. You have to wash the spoon, both bottom and top." Her dad said this evening.
"Oh and don't forget to feed the cats. And can you bring your stuff up to your room?" Her mother chipped in.
"Fine" Kogomi grated. It bothered her that her parents never asked how she was doing. Expecially after getting her freakin' skin ripped off by a metal collar. Kogomi noticed that as soon as she got into the door, her parents usually skipped the greeting and went straight to what she needed to do.

"What's wrong?" Her mother asked.
"Nothing." Kogomi said sarcastically.
"Come here and let me see your finger."

It was a bit late, true. But her mother finally asked how her day went.


Kogomi wondered why this memory came up. It was probably because, when she had relapses like this, everything with a negative feel usually surfaced. This one was recalled probably because Kogomi just wanted to be greeted and have a small conversation before her parents tell her what she didn't do and what she could do better. It rankled because her friend's parents always gave her a hug and a kiss when she got home and actually cared how her day went. At home, Kogomi felt...taken for granted.

Kogomi's mind turned on her then.
It wasn't her parent's fault. Your just not good enough. You were probably a mistake.
She sighed.

It was almost completely dark. No one had come looking for her. She toyed with the idea of walking in the other direction and never coming back. But that hadn't worked the first time, so why should it work now?

She made her way slowly to her house. Still, no one coming to find her. Kogomi entered by the garage door. Her parents were once again watching tv. They had been doing that more often recently. Probably just bonding time.

As usual, no one asked her how her walk was. That didn't say anything at all tonight.

Later, Kogomi was getting ready for bed. Her mother was still giving her the cold shoulder, alghough her father had asked her where the cat was. Kogomi plunked down to watch just a little more tv.

Kogomi watched so much tv because it helped her not to think, just to switch off her depressed brain for a while.

Her mother came in, walked over to her and gave her a hug. "Good night." She said. "I love you"
Kogomi said nothing, she simply watched the tv with her blank expression. The hug hadn't made her feel better, it only made her feel worse. Why, Kogomi had no clue.

The sad fact was, tomorrow, Kogomi could pretend that this day hadn't happened. The rest of her family would go along with this charade. It will remain buried until Kogomi's next relapse, when she would look back and wish she had replied angerly to her mother's remark.

Until next time then.