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Jedi Don't Cry
Intro Part 1
Jedi are strong. Fearless. Jedi are leaders. Courageous. Jedi are servants. Humble. We never speak a frivolous word of harm that could later cause trouble. From a small child you learn to fight, to uphold the Jedi law and serve the People of the worlds. But who knew it could be so hard?
I was taken into the Academy late. A rare case. I had masters and knights who fawned over my potential to be something spectacular, and then admitted that I was nothing. I have trained for seven years before a master even considered my role in helping others. I have seen death, slavery, truth and lies. Men have been slain before my very eyes while I had the chance to save them, the perfect chance spent frozen in fear. I have seen sickness and good health. I have seen the dark and the light sides of this galaxy—and have shuddered.
From when we were mere children we were taught that the life of a Jedi was not an easy path to tread upon. And yet we never dropped out or gave up. We were apprentices, but not for long. Soon, we knew, a master would come for our trial of knighthood so we could rise higher than what we were: orphans who were taught to fight evil. The Force runs through all our veins, stronger in some than in others. We are elite.
But with all gifts are granted responsibility. I can not hope to have more than what has been bestowed upon me by my generous masters, but if I did, I know what I would ask: Why does all the killing continue? Lies. Deceit. Bloodshed.
Blood. I have seen blood. Strewn across the room, a dark nightmarish thing. Death. The burning of loved ones; that stench of burning skin, so putrid and rank and cruel to the nostrils, magnified by the tortured scream of loved ones to which Jedi are commanded to not feel compassion for. It hurts. Somewhere inside of me a voice is wailing, screaming, crying out for help. I knew those people. My face longs to feel the sweet stinging of tears fall down my face. Those hot tears. Sad tears. My heart is convulsing as if sick, quivering as if cold, throbbing as if injured. I want this to stop, the pain. I want to flee from these people under my charge, then hide somewhere, anywhere, and sit. Weep. But I know I can’t.
Because Jedi don’t cry.
Intro Part 2
Is it really called betrayal if you are blind to the word? That is the painful question I have come to ask myself. To think that if I had a second chance, would I have done anything differently? My senses are on fire just waiting to be summoned to explain what had happened on Korriban- the sith planet. I was meditating just a few rooms away from the Jedi Council Chamber; even replaying the events in my mind I still wouldn’t have done anything differently on Korriban.
The cold, hard floor was making my thighs and feet numb with the cold. But I didn’t move an inch, my hands clenched together to stop them from shaking with my nervousness on edge. I lowered my head and I saw a pillow of my new brown hair fall over my eyes just barely grazing the floor. The room was a dull brown and gray mixture, it was empty except for a few meditating cushion. I realized my breath was coming out in heaping gasps so I tried to control it and did so successfully. My friend, Talvon Esan, was the first to explain his actions and I really hoped I wouldn’t see him on my way to see the council. My thoughts dwelled on my intimate moments; I really hoped he didn’t say anything about that.
My com link beeped and I answered it to hear my master’s sad voice. “Zeal, report to the Council Chamber.”
I tried not to cry. “Yes, Master.” My feet somehow managed to keep me from falling from fright. I grudgingly walked to the Jedi Council Chamber.
My hopes were realized when I got to the Chamber that I did not see Talvon.
The Jedi Monsters all locked their eyes on my walking form making its way to the middle of the design of a circle on the floor. They were all here, no holograph forms. It felt like a lifetime before I stopped and bowed before the Jedi in the middle of the room.
Master Yoda’s ears raised and he held a thoughtful expression on his face.
“What say you on Korriban, for your actions, young Padawan?” All eyes were on me turned thoughtful and unreadable. And thus my story began.
Chapter 1: Zuki
When I was very young, before training to be a Jedi, I was down in the slums of Coruscant and there was a deadly toxic leakage. The fumes of it got absorbed in my skin and I passed out and awoke to find my hair bright red and my eyes could change color. They changed colors by themselves, mind you. I finally realized that they only changed color when I was feeling a strong emotion.
Master Cain, the thing he wants most is to sit on the Jedi Council, but since he has an apprentice, he can’t yet. My master has had two other apprentices before myself; the first turned to the easy road – the Dark Side –Taki; my sister, was his second apprentice who died at the hands of Cain’s first apprentice. The thin, slender Master Cain, who sports a beard that matches his dark hair and offset blue eyes, it doesn’t flaunt his teachings. He has a dual personality that matches his fighting style.
This was our third transfer system this month. Why these traders were helpless, I don’t know. They’re scared to even depart without a mercenary on someone, with the cause of space pirates and other space beings that hijack ships. I leaned my head against the cold wall of the Cargo Ship with my hands behind my back, so they too felt the cold compress of the ship. My thoughts drifted to Sona, the Echani I have grown to love. I could not wait to go back to Coruscant to see Sona and see what she has learned from Master Brimo Videt.
My thoughts were interrupted by the whispering of the traders. My trained ears heard every word. “These Jedi think we’re ordinary traders, ha!”
“Brother, shhh. The trip is not over yet.”
“Even so, we are not weak-minded enough to have our thoughts read.”
“These Jedi don’t look dumb to me and you know as well as anyone that I’ve ‘taken care’ of dumb Jedi in the past.”
“So I have little brother. But we must wait.”
I heard them laugh and walk further away. ‘Not ordinary trader’? ‘Taken care of dumb Jedi’? Master Cain needed to know of this, I found him outside the Cargo room.
“Master…” I waited until he saw me.
He raised his eyebrows. “Yes…?”
I told him everything I heard from the traders. After I was finished all he did was smile. “Then we must wait.” That was all he said about the traders.
* * *
I didn’t have to turn to hear him. He wasn’t trying to be sneaky.
“Do you need something, Trader?” I asked quietly.
He began to smirk. “Something like that…”
I blinked and waited patiently for him to finish, but it never came.
“Do you need some assistance? If not, please leave me.” I finished dully.
He crossed his arms and lifted his eyebrow. “Your hair…?” He began to ask.
I looked away, fearfully embarrassed and blushing horribly. The trader chuckled lowly, bemused. I turned slowly to see his face. His eyes searched my face and I saw his eyes held immediate sorrow. His short dark brown hair was slicked back with two strands producing above his eyes. It I was to describe him in a one word it would be: scruffy. But sad.
”It was an accident, I hardly remember…” I blurted.
I began to turn away as I crossed my arms, why did I tell him that? I could feel my emotions betraying me; I could feel the untellable sting of my eyes changing colors. I couldn’t risk betraying myself in front of this trader. Why do I feel this way? I’m a Jedi! I shouldn’t feel this way. Before I could turn around I felt goose bumps on my arms and I felt him feel my hair. “Sir…” he interrupted me.
“Shhh…Are you better off with your hair the color of flames? He asked quietly.
I gasped; his question caught me off guard. He then turned me around and cupped my cheek with his hand.
“N-no, eventually I will die.” I stuttered.
He smiled. “We all die but not all of us really live.”
I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks and I tried to pull away but he wouldn’t let go. My mouth had turned dry and my eyes began to water.
“Did you choose this life or was it forced upon you?” He asked lovingly.
I was stunned; every word that came out of his mouth was pure music. His grip loosened on my chin but I couldn’t or wouldn’t remove my eyes from his. I hated the effect he had on me, it wasn’t natural for me so I didn’t know how to respond, and I just stared back.
He then traced his thumb across my lower lip and across my chin before I could act, he slowly and gently pressed his lips to mine then quickly pulled away. I turned my back to him and felt my heart pounding beyond my control. It was so loud I could swear he could hear it. I heard him breathing hard and then I felt his eyes on me again.
He whirled me around to face him and gave me a hard kiss. I didn’t have time to register what happened but I kissed back. When we broke apart we were breathless. My hand gripped his back as we were kissing again. All my troubles were forgotten even about ‘the not ordinary travelers.’
I watched him undress, his shirt slid easily off his head and his trousers fell on the floor and revealed what was underneath. He waited patiently as I took off my three layers of Jedi clothes until I was down to a very thin shirt and shorts. I saw his eyes widen as I revealed my developed breasts and underneath my dropped pants. We just stood there memorizing each other until he walked over and sucked on my neck while handling my hardened breast.
When I appeared I couldn’t stand anymore he took our clothes in the corner of the room and made a bed. To which he carried me too, as I lay down he looked at my vulnerable body and supported himself above me. When he started sucking on my thigh I wanted to scream from ecstasy. But he slammed his mouth on mine to shut me up, for which I was grateful. As he started to handle my breasts he looked at me for my response.
“It’s okay,” I whispered in gasps.
The man smiled and continued. He sucked my neck all the way down to my breasts and back again. I felt blood in my mouth from biting my lip to stop me from screaming. My heart was pounded so fast that I thought it would burst.
“This will hurt for a minute…”
“I’ll bare it…” I whispered.
He knew an invitation when he heard one. The man spread my legs apart and entered me slowly; it took all my power to mot scream. I felt my blood run out of me as I clawed his back, for him to get deeper in me. When he slowed down I knew and felt his seed go in me. He turned in and out of me for what seemed like an eternity.
After several moments we both laid on our clothes breathless. But we were both quiet it was a…unnerving silence.
“Jedi, what’s your name?” he asked quietly.
I was quiet for a long time I had to find my words, and say them. “Zeal. What’s yours trader?” I smiled.
“Ha! Just like your hair…” He trailed off fingering my hair. He didn’t say anything else.
I sat up and stared at him. “What’s your name?”
“Did you know your eyes turned colors during this? They turned orange and green.”
I sat on him so I was straddling his hips.
“Yes, I know my eyes changed colors. What’s your name?!” I asked harshly as I brought up my arm to cover my chest.
“It's Zuki, are you happy now?” He frowned and turned away.
“Yes, was that so hard?” I laughed.
His eyes shot up as soon as I laughed. When I saw his eyes I stopped laughing immediately, I was entirely engulfed in his mesmerizing eyes.
Then the ship rocked back and forth, I got knocked on my back and Zuki landed uneasily on his stomach.
“We’re near Coruscant, we came out of hyperspace!” The other trader yelled.
We quickly got dressed and ran to the cockpit where Master Cain sat and tried to steady the ship. My heart nearly stopped – he was awake! It didn’t take long to land the convoy on dull-brown colored Coruscant. Zuki’s other trader friends were waiting on the platform for us to land our ship.
Chapter 2: Sona
As the two Jedi and two traders get off the convoy the female Jedi and the broader trader silently exchange glances, telling each other that ‘moment never happened’ and to tell no one about it. If they did, it would ruin them both.
Right when the party got off the ramp and made its way to the other traders, a handful of men and droids went in the ship to unload the cargo. The landing pad wasn’t the biggest but was still big and took about two minutes to reach the traders who were waiting some feet away from the automated doors. When we just reached the traders, Mace Windu came out to greet us. The four traders hugged and talked while Mace stepped aside with the female and male Jedi – so they could not be overheard. Zeal got the feeling that Mace was not happy to see them because he didn’t greet them with a smile but she learned a long time ago that Mace never smiled.
“By the look of it, I would say that everything went fine but you arrived later then which you were generally expected by…” Mace said in his authority monotone voice, gesturing toward the traders.
Cain smiled and shifted his weight toward each foot. “Yes, we had mere trouble on Alderaan with the cargo they needed.” He said nodding toward the Traders. “But if Zeal had not interjected we would have gotten here much later.”
Mace turned his attention to this red-haired, so-to-be Padawan. He saw a hint of pink on her high cheekbones calling attention to her now red eyes bringing forward to how red her hair really was. The somewhat harmless, impatient, but hard driven apprentice looked at him with humble eyes and an unreadable expression. This made him uneasy.
“How did you manage this task, apprentice?” he asked it as a question but she knew it was a statement.
I took a step forward to these towering men. “Their main system was down and they needed it to see which cargo went to what ship and so I fixed the main console system for them.” Then I walked back to my original spot.
“I will file the report and you two can go and rest.” Mace said as he walked off.
We turned to go to see all the four traders already gone and the cargo unloaded.
My Master turned and stared at me reading my unreadable expression. Then his attention turned to my Padawan braid hiding in my long hair. I could not bring myself to look at him, thinking about what I did on the ship. I was ashamed and surprised to see him not sleeping not knowing if he knew what I did, I didn’t want to ask, either. My body grew hot in embarrassment. Cain put his hand on my shoulder and I looked at him.
“Sona will want to know you’re safe.” He said in his monotone voice.
I smirked. “Yes, Master…but-” my voice cracked.
“I will find you when I need you.” he told me.
I nodded my head and we both headed to a taxi that took us to the Jedi Temple. At any time of day Coruscant is always filled with traffic and the zooms of speeders. The sky is always so dull, a brown muddy color. It is never quiet here even in the dead of night, smuggling and gambling is oh-so common on Coruscant. This planet is always crawling with different species of people and with their own different agendas.
We climbed up the welcoming steps on the Jedi Temple, which I have known as my home for years. My Master and I separated at the room of a thousand fountains, I never know where he goes, but I don’t question him.
I looked every where I thought Sona may be but she was no where to be found. But I saw one of her youngling friends, Mylica. Her black hair covered her eyes so she did not see me at first. I grabbed her shoulders and crouched to her eye level and smiled. I knew she was shy but she always talked to her friends. When she saw who I was she lifted her head up high and straightened her posture.
“Zeal! Your okay!” She flung herself at me which almost knocked me over.
“Why wouldn’t I be? Where’s Sona, Mylica?” I asked parting from the comforting hug.
“It’s just you were gone so long and we didn’t hear anything. Oh, Sona’s at Tatooine with her Master.” Mylica said matter-of-factly.
I gasped. “I didn’t know that they would have left so soon.”
She scratched her head. “They couldn’t wait any longer and you took so long, we didn’t know when you were coming back.” She looked at the lowering sun. “I got to go, see you later!” She said as she waved.
“See you later, Mylica!” I also looked out the window and saw the sun going down. I couldn’t help but feel jealous of Brimo Videt having Sona as a Padawan. I wished Sona was younger so she could be my Padawan but I knew she would get picked before I was a Knight. Being eighteen means it won’t be long before I’m a Jedi Knight. Brimo is very lucky to have my friend as an apprentice.
Even as I still looked out the window I heard someone walking towards me. This walk I know only one person who walks like that. Talvon Esan. He was three feet away from me, but I did not take my eyes off the lowering sun.
“Yellow is a good look for you, jealous much?” he laughed. Talvon was the only one to know what color my eyes changed to what emotion I am feeling.
“Sona left with her Master.” I whispered.
He sighed. “I know, Sona has been gone for a while, now. The only reason Sona is so fond of Brimo Videt is because Brimo is so like you, Flame!” He got between me and the sun so I would look at him, and what he saw made him sad.
“Hey, come on now. Where’s your smiles and hugs for me…” he made a puppy dog sad face, which I couldn’t help but smile. We hugged; it was very quick warm embrace. His nickname for me, ever since we were little, has been Flame. I’ve gotten pretty used to it but Talvon only says in when were alone, so not to draw attention. We laughed and drew apart then he smiled and pushed me lightly.
“Hey come on, you must be hungry, come with me!” He said ushering me forward.
* * *
My mind was on Zuki but my body was trying to fend off a demon. Every time Talvon swung, it was like he was tearing my arms off. I kept on thinking of Zuki’s body on mine and ever time I focused then Talvon’s light saber comes and zooms right in my face for a deadly blow, and almost ever time I block it. Sweat was making my thin shirt stick to every curve on my body.
“Flame, what happened to you? You’re too rusty…” he said between each swing.
I laughed forcefully, not wanting him to know what my problem really was.
He wasn’t helping my skills, but he was getting me very angry. How dare he say I’ve gotten rusty. Just because he was born with the skills to fight like a Tusken Raider, does not mean I was.
Horror was shown in my eyes as I saw that I was driving Talvon back, I was letting my passion control me! I stopped but I had to jump back for his last swing. He looked at me perplexed as his eyes were seeing all the different colors my eyes flashed. Even as I put my lightsaber away I still felt that I held a weapon. I looked in his eyes and facial expression.
His mouth opened and closed when we heard clapping from the archway a couple feet from us. The man was smirking. It was Talvon’s Master, Cariaga Sin. She was tall with black hair flowing like waves down her shoulders, with violet eyes and dark wine colored lips set on an alabaster face.
“Why did you stop?” But she shook her head as to erase the question. “Talvon, Nebelish wishes for you in her audience chamber.”
Talvon looked at me then at Cariaga.
“Yes, Master…” he said forcefully then walked out
When Talvon was out of hearing range Cariaga sighed and looked at me.
“He will never change.” She looked at my curved lightsaber hanging from my belt. “What is wrong, Zeal? Normally you fight like a demon just like Talvon; I’ve never seen you weaken. Which means something is on your mind; am I correct?”
I could not tear away from her reading gaze.
I crossed my arms. “Master Sin I have a lot on my mind, but nothing to worry you or Talvon about.” Good thing that Cariaga didn’t know what color my eyes change when I lie.
She frowned. “Very well, but remember the Jedi are your family.” She started to walk out.
“Thank you.” I whispered.
Sin turned to look at me and smiled then she turned and walked away.
I loudly sighed. “Ugh…”
I sat where I stood with my legs crossed with my elbows on my knees. Automatically my head fell on my hands and my fingers rested in my damp hair.
“Zuki, why do you torment me? I can’t stop thinking of you…I need you…” I sobbed falling asleep.
Chapter 3: Death
“Brother, I’m surprised you let those Jedi go.” Gyom smiled. “It doesn’t happen often…”
Zuki frowned and glared at Gyom. The moment their eyes met the air felt thin and humid. Gyom felt like he was being mentally attacked. Whether Gyom knew it or not Zuki was reading his eyes for information. And what Zuki saw enraged him.
He put on a bared face. “Brother, you desired her didn’t you?”
Gyom grew nervous. “Who?” Then he was fearful.
Zuki had cold hatred in his eyes and face scrunched up in distaste. He threw Gyom against their apartment wall with his hand on his brother’s throat, with his other hand clutched on his blaster holster.
“That female Jedi!” He closed his eyes.
“You saw us didn’t you?! You wanted her body but saw me with her and ran off?!” Zuki shouted.
His hand grew tighter on the bruised throat. Dots appeared in Gyom’s visions, he attempted to speak. “Zuki, please…no…” he gasped slightly. Zuki let go and back handed him before Gyom even realized Zuki released him.
“Then you came back and saw her unprotected body with mine and that I can never forgive!” Zuki drew his blaster. “Sorry, brother, I don’t need you.”
Red light then blackness…
* * *
Zeal woke, startled, and gasping for breath. Unable to control her emotions, her eyes flashed different colors in the darkness. But as moments passed by she realized where she was. It was completely dark but as she started to stand, the motion lights came on.
The training area was a large vast room, big enough for three pairs of Jedi to share. Which I feel asleep right in the middle of. I vividly remembered my conversation with Cariaga Sin because my need for Zuki grew, not sexually but spiritually, just with our little moment of passion I could tell that there was much more that met the eye with Zuki. The handsome man that had stolen my heart and soul. There was not a minute of the day that I didn’t think of him, sometimes not of my own will. It scared me, I is a Jedi, Jedi can’t love or form attachments.
The rushing footsteps, I heard, was echoing throughout the hallway into the training room. I stopped breathing to try to decipher the footsteps and I found that the heavy burdened feet belonged to Talvon. Soon as my breath came out in even gasps, Talvon came out around the corner. He stopped right when he saw my slumped form caressing my temples. His worried look made me look down his form which brought my eyes to his hand clasped tight around a package. He saw my curious gaze and held out the black package held with a brown twine. I looked at him to the package and back again which caused him to toss it to me and I just barely caught it before it hit the floor. It wasn’t big; the box fit my hand perfectly.
The brown twine slid easily of the brown box and the contents of the box was a holocron and a short lightsaber. The lightsaber dropped to the floor and rolled to Talvon’s feet. He picked up the lightsaber and held it in his hands, waiting for me to say something. I wanted to know whose lightsaber it was so I opened the holocron and started watching it:
“Zeal Willow, before Sona’s and my departure I wanted very much to meet you. I understand that you wanted to be her Master; it was unfortunate that you were not. Resent events have brought great distraught to me and the fellow Jedi Masters, through the Force.” The woman took a deep breath with a stray tear running down her face, while she strained a painful but beautiful smile.
“I loved her, you know. My heart nearly stopped when I saw what had happened.” She threw her hands to her face and, spoke even though muffled, understandable. “I sent her to her death! Please forgive me, Zeal!”
The woman had long silky blond hair, pale clear blue eyes and an exquisite figure, a rich alto voice which was warm and inviting but certain coldness about her, she cleared her throat and withdrew her hands from her face.
“She was killed by Sand People! Ugh! I lost four other Jedi Knights and my arm, I underestimated their numbers and I wish I hadn’t. I said that I would protect them!” She sniffled and waved.
“Brimo Videt signing off…”
Her blue wispy figure vanished back into the holocron.
My whole body went numb as I dropped the disturbing holocron on the floor. I barely felt the fountain of tears streaming down my face even when Talvon leaned down and tried to wipe them off. But when I saw him gasped, I forgot that he was still here, so I tried to sustain my tears. Unsuccessfully.
I had to get away, away from this event, away from Talvon. My abrupt erectness made him fall down so I ran, I didn’t care that he was calling my name. Sona’s lightsaber was in my hand as I left. My friend must have given it to me as I fled.
My fears were not of Sona, for I knew she was fully capable for a young Jedi to take care of herself. Sona was a talented youngling for her age; she always bested the others in her age group. My heart knew that Sona’s death was not from Sand People but something much deeper. I don’t know why I thought it, just doesn’t seem right that she would go down so easily.
My overwhelming thoughts deprived me of my surroundings and how I got to them it felt like my heart was going to explode. My hands caught a wall as I feel in an ally way, my energy taken from me even as tears stained my despaired face, fighting my darkness…
She ran away from me even as I tried to comfort her and wipe away her tears and fears. I had no idea what she was going through, it’s never happened to me before. My instincts told me to let her be but my heart said to be with her in this dreadful moment. Usually my heart won and this time was no different, I tried to sense her soothing presence through the Force. It took about a lifetime to find her; her heart and mind were in dark places. Zeal was straying from the path of the light but I had found her and needed to get to her fast before some other Jedi sensed her falling and suffering.
* * *
“Where is your apprentice?” Master Windu calmly asked.
Cain stopped walking and looked at Mace Windu deliberately avoiding his gaze.
“I don’t know.” He said unsure.
“With Talvon. As usual.” Cariaga Sin frowned.
Mace looked at her and his hand twitched.
“Is this wise, Cariaga?”
Cain was confused and he shrugged.
“Why wouldn’t it be? They have been friends since they were younglings…”
Mace interrupted Cain. “That’s my point they’re not younglings anymore…I sense something…dark, a Padawan?” He said as he was carefully choosing his words.
Before Cain could even try to sense the disturbance painful anguish rushed over him and a single tear rolled down his cheek. The only people capable of making him feel emotion other than himself was Zeal. Cain quickly wiped it away.
“S-sorry, I got to go, Masters.” He said walking past them fast. She’s hurt bad and I have to find her, he thought.
* * *
A smile erupted over Zuki’s face as he stood at the entrance of a cantina with a red light flooding the street; it was the only source of light except the dim light from above the lower level. The red light made his eyes go wide in recognition, Zeal’s red hair danced in his vision as he saw her sprawled body in an early ally way, defeated, broken of life and spirit. Zuki could never tell if his visions were true or not so he had to try and find her. Each turn of an ally way brought him to another ally way each filled with a dreaded prude fume. His search for her than became more obsessive and desperate. He was about to think his vision was fickle until he kicked something shiny; the thing was a straight long shiny cylinder. A lightsaber! His feet brought him around the corner and he found the body he was looking for.
Zuki kneeled at Zeal’s side and begin to wipe away the strands of red hair from her face. She didn’t stir, so he began to lie beside her and he wrapped an arm around her and pulled her towards himself. Then he began to wonder how he could live his life without her. The smell of her hair, the warmth of her body, her eyes, her personality, they were too good for him. But he wanted them all!
He got up and he pocketed the very cold, short lightsaber, slowly he began sliding his hands under her body and lifting her up in his arms, gently.
Then he wondered where would the safest place be to take Zeal while in her state? Before He could think of such a place a noise began to degree around the corners. Zuki strained his ears so he could decipher the sound, Footsteps!
It was not common for people to use these ally ways so there purpose must be finding Zeal. Quickly, he ran in a jagged direction in various ally ways, his eyes tried to find the door but with the luck of light it was nearly impossible. Zuki was about to give up finding a door until just barely visible, a doorknob stuck out and my hand stretched out for the handle knowing it would be locked. It wasn’t!
The metal door had shut behind him even before he had reached for it. It was completely dark but he could still see the shapes of footlockers and cylinder containers, he set Zeal down carefully and started looking for a light switch. His search took him no further than the door but Zuki had to shield his eyes from the blinding light…
* * *
I swam through the darkness for an eternity waiting to be awakened, released.
My bearings were as noticeable as a blank map it was all darkness and no back road to escape. Was this my punishment for an accident, what did I do to be locked in my own mind with no way out?
But I saw with my own eyes that the darkness was being hurdled away like smoke by a breeze. Bright light had dispersed the black miasma, and then moving scenes appeared in my sight. Purple mountains surrounded by a fuzzy fog with a small village, red water running as a river with people at it’s banks, lush forests with brown creatures in the branches ready to pounce on it’s prey. Until it slowed down and showed me a barren, volcanic landscape. I watched with fascination as it played like a holocron.
Three men fought, two with lightsabers and the other with an Echani vibroblade, on Korriban. While actually, the one with an Echani blade and the one with the green lightsaber were really on the defense. The one man with the blue lightsaber was a fierce fighter and a running warrior, until they saw a women walking towards them. Their faces softened and they smiled briefly at her. She had a lightsaber on her belt but she did not wear the customary labels of a Jedi, but neither did the other lightsaber wielders I couldn’t see anyone’s face, when I looked it was all fuzzy and distorted; I couldn’t tell who they were.
Then out of no where the sound of a gushing waterfall came and I was being moved by nothing and the nothing was moving me towards the bright light just until I could barely see and I had to shut my eyes.
Chapter 4: Together
My eyes fluttered trying to adjust to the light and my hand immediately covered my eyes. I jumped when a hand brushed away my hair and started comforting me. The person helped me sit up as if I were a delicate flower. The light dimmed and I lazily opened my eyes, briefly giving half a scream seeing Zuki. Instead of rushing to run and kiss him, on instinct, I have been taught to sit and wait. My training has never failed me, yet.
My eyes sought his and explored its surroundings. Zuki smile but avoided eye contact. I glanced around the room.
“Where am I, why did you bring me here?” I asked. Zuki reached into his coat pocket and pulled out Sona’s lightsaber and handed it to me.
“I think you dropped this when…you know.” He said nervously.
My fingers reached out and grabbed the cold lightsaber and activated it. The blade was a bold green; I turned the blade up right and looked at Zuki. He had a frown on his face but he wasn’t scared, or nervous. I thought everyone feared lightsabers. The color of the blade disappeared as I put it on my belt loop.
“You weren’t scared by me activating the lightsaber in front of your face, why?” I asked.
Zuki smiled and patted my knee. “You wish me to think you would strike me down? Is that what our trust is based on? If so I do not fear death.” He whispered.
“Then what is your biggest fear?” I wondered and his cheeks grew red.
“Not being loved by you…” Zuki murmured.
I gasped; no words came out of my speechless mouth, for I had none.
I cleared my throat. “Do you only love me for what I gave you when we first met?”
He laughed, lowly. “No, your independence, heart, and personality are what drive me to love you, Zeal.”
Zuki leaned forward and waited for me half way, I was just about to lean in to kiss him when my com link beeped. I t switched on and Talvon’s voice leaped out.
“Zeal…Zeal, where are you, are you okay?” Talvon asked.
I picked up the com link and looked over at Zuki; he was sitting up straight with his eyes closed.
“Talvon, I’m here, I’m okay.” My voice quivered.
I smiled as I heard Talvon’s sigh of relief over the com link.
“Why did you run from me, I was trying to help you. If I would have known what was in the package I gave to you I would have destroyed it. To find you, I was feeling your presence through the Force, your presence was dark. I began to follow your presence but when I drew near, it disappeared, and it was as if someone was blocking my sense to sense you.” Talvon rambled.
I looked over at Zuki again and he was looking right at me, his features drew dark in front of me.
“He has feelings for you, you know.” Zuki stated. I began to clear my throat when Talvon’s voice came out again.
“Where are you? I’ll come and find you…” Talvon said.
I froze. “No! I need to be alone right now.”
There was a long silence. “Okay, signing off.”
I sighed deeply and put the com link in my belt.
Zuki’s features grew softer. “You need not worry, my love; he will give up his search for you.”
My love? He loves me? I didn’t know I could be loved by the opposite sex. Whoa, wait, slow down- I can’t love, Jedi can’t love.
“Zuki, I can’t. We can’t, it’s just not possible…” I murmured.
He took my hand in his.
“Anything is possible, Zeal listen to me.” He said.
I grew angry that he wasn’t listening to reason. I love him but I can’t love him, I’m a Jedi. The code forbids it, but he’s a part of me. I feel complete when I’m with him but if our love is found out- I will no longer be a Jedi.
“No, you listen; we are living in the real world. Come back to it, I’m a Jedi and you’re a… Trader. If you study this to a conclusion it will take us to a place we cannot go- regardless of the way we feel about each other.” I drew my hand away from him and put it in my lap. I looked at Zuki and his mouth was open in shock, his hair in his eyes, his face haggard.
“Zuki…” I waited until he looked at me.
“Have you slept at all?” Carefully I watched his features and suddenly they grew dark instantly and his eyes narrowed.
He scoffed at me. “How could I? I would have waited my whole life for you. I’m still waiting, Zeal. I can’t live without you…” A tear rolled down his cheek.
My hand flew to my mouth in surprise; I flung at him and wrapped my arms around him. He caught me and kissed me silently.
* * *
My boots echoed in the hall while walking to my room. My eyes were glued to the stains on my boots. I was still thinking about what Zuki said. Was I thinking things through? Was it my decision to quit while I was ahead or no ones?
I raised my eyes to see my door but I saw a figure sitting there instead: Talvon Esan. He heard me and opened his eyes and his beautiful gray eyes were red with weary. I waited until he stood before talking to him but he rudely interrupted me as he stood up.
“Where have you been? Are you okay?” He asked with a raised voice.
I hesitated. “Uh, I’m fine…”
He frowned. “You look kind of pale and I was so worried about you so I waited for you”
I patted his arm and walked past him. “I’m just tired.” I whispered.
But he grabbed my arm and turned me to face him. “Zeal, I know all your tricks, I know you! Stop messing around and talk to me dammit!” Talvon shouted.
He sighed and let go of my arm. “Who was blocking you from me?” He quietly asked.
I rolled my eyes at him. If you know me so well then you know that I am tired!” I yelled in frustration.
He gaped at me and bunched up his eyebrows. “Fine. Goodnight!” He said as he stomped off.
I was then left to sleep in my room on my bed.
Chapter 5: Spoken Thoughts
My dreams were not happy ones. The landscape of Korriban appeared again, in my mind. But I’m certain I saw Talvon’s face amongst the people fighting with lightsabers. I grew frustrated, not being able to see who the woman or the two others fighting. But my mind was restless, it showed me more visions:
A woman holding a baby to her breast, an apartment complex with two men fighting inside, one was choking the other. Spaceships I have never even seen before and beautiful waterfalls on the world of Naboo but it reached the farthest plain. Pure darkness.
* * *
I woke with tears running down my cheeks and a terrible headache. My thoughts dwelled on the woman and the baby. The woman looked a lot like me but older and auburn hair. Her eyes looked worried and her features were troubled.
By instinct I felt for my lightsaber by my pillow but found nothing. My senses heightened and felt another, powerful presence in the room.
“Looking for this?” Master Cain chuckled as he held up a lightsaber.
As I sat up, my blanket fell to my side and I realized I had fallen asleep in my clothes. My master was examining my weapon as he sat on my desk. His features were weary was with, I guessed, lack of sleep. As I stood I straightened my clothes and rubbed the sleep from my eyes and waited for my Master to speak to me,
He then frowned and looked at me. His eyes were red just like Talvon’s were.
“Your sleep was troubled, yes?” He asked.
I looked away and saw his feet; he had taken off his boots.
“How long have you been here, Master?” I wondered.
He pondered. “I was here long before you were. Last night I realized how strong our bond really is. Should I be worried about what happened to you, that you came back remarkably late?” Master Cain questioned me with a twitch of his hand.
My eyes opened wide. “How would you know about that?” I gasped.
Cain stared at my lightsaber again. “Zeal our bond runs deeply than just a teacher and student one does. I know how you felt last night because I felt the same sorrow you felt but I had no reason to. I was not in a position to cry, should I be worried Zeal?” He asked again.
I was confused, how did our bond change and why did it change? I began to feel uncomfortable sharing feelings with my Master. I was about to lie and tell him no. But when I looked up at where he should have been, he was gone. He had left my saber behind and as I lifted it up, I realized it wasn’t mine but Sona’s old lightsaber. I declared that I would fight wither her saber from now on.
* * *
Learning to fight with two lightsabers was harder than I thought. I had to learn that the sabers were extensions of my arms, not just mere weapons. They were alive.
My relationship with my master was strained for me, he felt at ease but I felt uncomfortable with my shard tears with him. He never mentioned it again but I could feel the eager questions at the back of his mind.
Every once in a while Zuki would find me again and we would spend time together. We would just talk about what would be on our minds. I never asked him how he got a hold of me; I didn’t care, just as long as I was with him. Its weird keeping all these secrets away from my Jedi family but if they found out what I was doing and it appeared that it was a threat to them, they could easily read my mind like an open book and stop me.
Talvon still questions me about that night I yelled at him. It was an instant reaction and that was when I began to question my judgment. I should have complete control over my overwhelming emotions but when his accusations and questions point toward Zuki, I get snappy. The Jedi don’t know about Zuki but if they were concerned about my sudden disappearances, they could easily read my mind and stop me.
“Zeal!” My attention was snapped back to reality as I nearly cut my master’s hand off.
I stopped my lunge in mid-air and I landed uneasily on my knee, cringing in pain as I stood.
“Are you okay, Zeal? I knew it was dangerous of you to train, distracted at you were, so I had to interfere.” Master Cain rambled. His dark eyes danced humorously.
I smiled weakly. “Of course, Master. It is you duty to handle your unruly Padawan.” I whispered, uncertain of his response.
His humor left his face. “What do you mean? What is troubling you?” He asked immediately concerned.
I sighed and looked away. “Nothing. Nothing at all. I’m just tired.”
He looked in my eyes and didn’t blink. Fear crossed my face as I knew what he was doing, and I swiftly looked away.
“That’s not fair, Master. Invading my personal thoughts.” I pointed my finger at him warningly. “You know better than to invade my mind.” I said as I berated him for using his mind reading abilities on me.
He sighed. “I can feel your emotions; they run deep within me as well. Our bond runs strongly than any other. I don’t know why. I can feel your anger and sadness and it is cutting me to my very core and I don’t know the reason behind it.” Cain said softly.
I could not speak of Zuki of Talvon to my Master. I had to get away from this line of thought. Anything to distract him from this subject, there was one other subject that always causes him to walk away from…
I inhaled steadily. “I am ready for the Trials.” I stated, calmly as I clipped my lightsabers to either sides of my belt.
I was speaking of the Jedi Trials, the ones that judge of an apprentice or Padawan was ready to become a Jedi Knight. But the decision of if they’re ready or not rests with their Masters’. If their Master thought that they had taught their learner everything then it was time for the trials. The trials would consist of the Trial of Skill, the Trial of Flesh, the Trial of Courage, and the Trial of the Spirit. The Trial of Skill usually consisted of a lightsaber duel with an adversary, or displaying particular skill and Force Applications. The Trial of the Flesh involved the apprentice overcoming great physical pain, hardship, or loss. It could also test the Jedi's mastery of detachment from physical pleasure and people. To pass the Trial of Courage, apprentices would fight courageously in battle, complete missions with a low chance of survival, or defeat a superior enemy. To pass the Trial of the Spirit, apprentices had to look deep within themselves, on a quest of self-discovery. Often times, apprentices did not like what they saw, and it could be a highly traumatic experience.
He stiffened and set his mouth in a hard line. “I decide if your ready or not, young apprentice.” He said through clenched teeth as he walked away. I couldn’t help but want to kick myself as I felt my Master’s pain in his walk and voice. We had argued this same argument for two years, ever time I mention it he walks away.
My eyes closed from lack of sleep and I rested my head against the nearest wall. Zuki’s features appeared in my thoughts, his grin set in a humorous line and his eyes danced to their own rhythm, his stray hair in his eyes. But they were replaced by Sona’s steady stare. Her features began to take over Zuki’s, her violet eyes dominated over his green ones and her strikingly black hair stood on end as her bangs draped over her left eye. I couldn’t help but stare at my Echani “sister.” Sona was unbelievably beautiful, with pale alabaster skin with unusually red lips and high cheek bones. I couldn’t help but imagine how she was slain by Tusken Raiders. Sona was almost as strong as me but she was smarter and wiser than me, I couldn’t fathom how even a hand full of Raiders could have killed her.
My thoughts were interrupted by echoing, unfamiliar footsteps. I waited until they approached me. “Zeal?” A woman’s rich voice asked.
I opened my eyes and stood slowly. “Yes…” I gasped slightly.
I never saw her before but she was unforgettable. She could not be forgotten even if that was what she wanted. She was obviously a proud Miraluka, I knew enough about Miralukas to know that there were no eyes behind that hand crafted black veil. She was tall with a fine straight back with beautifully black hair flowing behind her. Her skin was a flawless pale; she modestly covered her whole body in black and purple clothing.
Her species do not see as we do since they don’t have eyes, they see all they need to see through the Force. They differed from humans in that they lacked eyes, instead bearing only vestigial eye sockets, and perceived the environment around them through the Force instead of regular vision. This vision was so strong that if a Miraluka looked upon a Jedi or Sith they could "see" the Force radiation off them.
She smiled somewhat pleased with my stalled reaction. “There is a man at the landing platform; he said he needed to see you. That it was urgent.”
I spoke without thinking. “What did he-?” I quickly cut off.
She frowned slightly but still had a hint of playfulness to her voice. “Look like?” She finished and laughed.
I stared at her. She tilted her head as if she was glaring at me. “I’m sorry for my moment of rudeness it was thoughtless of me.” She said sarcastically. I was ready for that one.
“Yeah, I deserved that.” We both laughed.
“But I can tell you that his aura was different than others I have felt. It was as if he was hiding it from me.” She stated as she turned to leave.
What she said brought up what Talvon had said a while back about someone hiding my presence from him, I think it was Zuki and if it was what was he?
“Odd, before you go what’s your name?” I asked.
She impatiently turned her head back to look at me. “Ahjnni.”
Ahjnni.
Chapter 6: Sick
“What do you think?” Zuki asked as he showed me the new refresher in his apartment.
I shrugged, unsure of what his ploy was.
He laughed. “It’s for you!”
I began to wave my hands as if to wave away this generosity. “Hey now…” I started.
“Well actually it’s ours.” He stated. Like that made it any better.
Zuki frowned, unsure why I wasn’t happy. “I thought the reason you didn’t want to stay with me here was because my old refresher was, well… old.” He wondered.
I just had to laugh at his logic. “I chose not to stay because I thought it would protect the both of us better.”
He barked a laugh but then grew serious. He put his hands on my cheeks and kissed my lips.
“I don’t want to be protected. I want to love you and you to love me in return.” He said between each kiss.
I couldn’t help but kiss him back but I began to feel a bubble rise in my throat. Before I could really act I thrust Zuki away and ran into the refresher and bolted the door shut as I emptied the contents of my stomach in the toilet. I was glad Zuki didn’t pound on the door to demand what was wrong. He valued my privacy, odd for any man.
How long was it that I first appeared sick?
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