|
|
|
Okay. Let's start with, my mom was really abusive for pretty much all my life. I have a boyfriend who I love more than anything. He has helped me cope with the abuse. He lives in Canada and we have been dating for over 2 and a half years. Sometimes I wonder if it was really me that was the problem for her. I'm not quite sure. Right now though, I'm feeling a little depressed. Yeah, I just moved into a larger and better house. Yeah, my mother is no longer in any kind of contact with me and has a restraining order against her to not see me. So, here I am. Every day I look forward to my boyfriend calling me on the phone. It's what keeps me sane. As well as sweet things. Such as candy or ice-cream or soda. Junk food is my current drug. Along with my boyfriend, of course. But right now, all of my stuff from my childhood is still at my mother's house, and I have no way of getting it back. I just moved out last September, by the way. I don't know why I didn't tell anybody about the abuse. I guess I didn't want to lose the only "family" that I had. I don't understand, however why I'm still depressed. Well, my boyfriend came to visit me a few weeks ago, from the end of April to the beginning of May. I miss him alot. I've never had a boyfriend before, though. So I had my first kiss. We spent every waking second together, since he was only there for a week and a half. I only get to see him a few times a year, sadly. I wish I could be with him every second. I don't really have friends, so I spend most of my time at home on the phone or on the computer when my boyfriend sleeps after work. I love him more than anything. I recently found some emails in some unpacked boxes from the move to the house. They talked about last year and how I was going through all the abuse. Also how he tried to comfort me through my constant grounding. Secretly, I wasn't allowed to love somebody to wasn't Jewish. Even though he's Protestant, it's alright with me. It doesn't change fact that I love him more than I should be allowed to. He's the most kind man in the world. And yes, even though I'm 16, and he just turned 20, he's the only one I can truly trust. I've had a problem with forgiving my mother for everything that she done to me. I can remember the last beating she gave me. Sadly, it wasn't pretty, so I'll spare the details. She got pissed cause I wouldn't give her my cell phone ( which gives me connection to my boyfriend ). I told her I didn't know where it was. She said, "You're going to regret that" and went rampaging through my room, breaking all my hand-painted porcelain, my paintings and drawings, ripping everything to shreds. All my handmade jewelery, everything. Most of it she threw at me, then went to the other room to get my backpack and ruined all my school papers. She came back and gave me one of the hardest beatings she's ever given me. Thankfully, though, she didn't kick me outside like she usually does. Mostly just with hateful names such as, "b***h, Ugly Whore" and so on. I don't know why she called me that. Everyone else says I'm the most beautiful looking young lady. However, I wonder if I really am. No one at school has ever asked me out on a date, or told me that they liked me or had a crush on me. I guess it's my severe maturity level. I guess it's because I've seen more than I should have in my short life time. I don't know. Right now, I can't trust anything anybody says. It's because all my life I've been lied to, and I can't tell true from false now. I have a hard time making decisions as well. I'm really glad, though, that I have my boyfriend. It's strange-- when I'm with him, every thing's normal. It's like I'm a normal person. I should save you the savory moments for tomorrow. It'll be easier on me anyway. I just have to put it all in the past, until it comes in handy one day.
Runalii · Wed May 30, 2007 @ 10:51pm · 1 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|