I've been doing a tremendous amount of thinking lately. Weighing my values, you know?
I don't know how sad it is to say that I think some of the best friends I've ever had, I've found on here. I have no idea what any of you look like, aside from Connor and Amanda, and yet here I am pouring my heart out to you. For all I know, you could be far from what you say you are, but I still do it. Why? I don't know.
I've also been looking at the negative sides of things. Since my Aunt Janet's death, I've realized how quick life can be there, and then gone. Ever since then, all I've been able to think about are how old my grandparents are, and how they might die at any minute, and I'm terrified to get that call. My dad, who has asthma, COPD, and issues with his heart. I'm so scared he'll get a breathing fit one of these days, and not be able to cough his way out of it. I'm such a b***h to him all the time, and he does so much for me.
I've always said I'm not afraid of death. Truth is, I'm terrified of it. Everyone tells me, they're always in your heart. Yes. But in my heart is not calling them on the phone and hearing their voice. It's not making the trip to their house to give them a hug, or make angel food cake with them, then laugh about how bad it turned out.
It's wondering why I didn't go to their last yardsale, or wishing I'd said I love you one more time.
I don't have the strength to say this to my real friends, because none of them will come to my house, just to let me cry in their arms, because god forbid, a girl is crying in another girl's hug. It always has to mean something. Or somehow, it'll get out, and I'll be known as the crybaby of the town. My parents will wonder why I didn't come to them.
That's why I rely on my friends on Gaia, i.e, Tobi, Kisame, Connor and Amanda. These four people, I know I can pour my heart out to, and they can't see me cry. Though I wish they could. I wonder why more of my real life friends aren't like that. The only two that have EVER done that for me, are Jessica and Kaitlyn. These two both have Gaia, and what does that say?
One more thing...I don't understand the point of love. Jess knows what I'm talking about when I say I'm confused because of the butterflies I get when I see people online. How? Why...? I'm always saying that these avatars are just pixels, so why am I falling in love with those pixels?
I suppose all I can do is read my books, listen to songs I relate to, and wish this all away..
I don't know.
Listening to: Halo - Beyonce
Everywhere I'm looking now, I'm surrounded by your embrace.
Baby, I can see your halo, you know you're my saving grace.
You're everything I need and more, It's written all over your face.
Baby, I can feel your halo, I pray it won't fade away.
I don't know how sad it is to say that I think some of the best friends I've ever had, I've found on here. I have no idea what any of you look like, aside from Connor and Amanda, and yet here I am pouring my heart out to you. For all I know, you could be far from what you say you are, but I still do it. Why? I don't know.
I've also been looking at the negative sides of things. Since my Aunt Janet's death, I've realized how quick life can be there, and then gone. Ever since then, all I've been able to think about are how old my grandparents are, and how they might die at any minute, and I'm terrified to get that call. My dad, who has asthma, COPD, and issues with his heart. I'm so scared he'll get a breathing fit one of these days, and not be able to cough his way out of it. I'm such a b***h to him all the time, and he does so much for me.
I've always said I'm not afraid of death. Truth is, I'm terrified of it. Everyone tells me, they're always in your heart. Yes. But in my heart is not calling them on the phone and hearing their voice. It's not making the trip to their house to give them a hug, or make angel food cake with them, then laugh about how bad it turned out.
It's wondering why I didn't go to their last yardsale, or wishing I'd said I love you one more time.
I don't have the strength to say this to my real friends, because none of them will come to my house, just to let me cry in their arms, because god forbid, a girl is crying in another girl's hug. It always has to mean something. Or somehow, it'll get out, and I'll be known as the crybaby of the town. My parents will wonder why I didn't come to them.
That's why I rely on my friends on Gaia, i.e, Tobi, Kisame, Connor and Amanda. These four people, I know I can pour my heart out to, and they can't see me cry. Though I wish they could. I wonder why more of my real life friends aren't like that. The only two that have EVER done that for me, are Jessica and Kaitlyn. These two both have Gaia, and what does that say?
One more thing...I don't understand the point of love. Jess knows what I'm talking about when I say I'm confused because of the butterflies I get when I see people online. How? Why...? I'm always saying that these avatars are just pixels, so why am I falling in love with those pixels?
I suppose all I can do is read my books, listen to songs I relate to, and wish this all away..
I don't know.
Listening to: Halo - Beyonce
Everywhere I'm looking now, I'm surrounded by your embrace.
Baby, I can see your halo, you know you're my saving grace.
You're everything I need and more, It's written all over your face.
Baby, I can feel your halo, I pray it won't fade away.
