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1. You have one goal: be epic.
2. Let no sound be lonely. If there's a guitar solo, harmonize it. If there's singing, make it a choir.
3. Keyboards offer a way to add thousands of different textures to a song. Find two of those that you like and use them on every song you write.
4. In a power metal world, everything steel is good, and anything good must be compared to steel.
5. You are not bound to sing about Satan, evil, and/or darkness.
6. You are bound to sing about dragons, freedom, and/or power metal.
7. Remember how no sound should be alone? Same goes for albums. Everything can have a sequel!
8. You are allowed to be blonde.
9. Swords enhance your credibility and your performance. Be sure to carry one regardless of whether or not you know anything about using one.
10. Pick a theme and stick to it. Manowar are warriors of true metal, and they don't get to sing about anything else. Rhapsody has their Algalord chronicles. Hammerfall has their steel, hammers, and templar. Running Wild has pirates. Blind Guardian has Tolkein. None of them are allowed to sing about anything else.
11. If you have to sing about something else, put together a side project to do it. Avantasia is the perfect model.
12. Ballads are permissible.
13. That doesn't mean your ballads can suck.
14. The longer a song is, the more epic it is. See rule #1.
15. More solos means more epic.
16. If at all possible, be Michael Kiske.
17. If this is not possible, pretend to be Michael Kiske.
18. Your album cover should include at least one of the following: fire, steel, weird glowing magical items, irregularly muscular men, fists thrust into the air, weaponry, magic creatures (preferably dragons), or bright beams of light around somebody/something.
19. 'Grim' and 'necro' don't apply here; they just make you look silly. Now go back to singing your 20 minute epic about dragonslaying!
20. Power metal depends on power chords.
21. 16th notes are the only notes.
22. Unless you're singing, in which case you are not permitted to hold a note for any less than 2 bars.
23. Keyboards get solos, too.
24. If you can't be Michael Kiske, you can at least be Timo Tolkki.
25. Actually, don't be Timo Tolkki.
26. In case you didn't know, "symphonic" is synonymous with "epic." See rule #1.
27. Just because 300 bands before you have already done "epic," there's always room for more.
28. Songs come in two tempos: metal and ballad.
29. You are officially the only group of people who can refer to themselves as 'mighty' without being laughed at. Much.
30. Audiences need to be able to sing along. Make it catchy.
31. Sing in English, even though your fan-base will be comprised entirely of Brazilians, Germans, Japanese, Swedes, and Finns. See rule #30: if it's not catchy, it's harder to sing in a language that is not your first.
32. Play in as many bands as possible. More side projects and guest appearances means more epic!
33. Tight. Pants.
34. You don't have to detune your guitars.
35. Though you probably should drop them a half-step.
36. Unfortunately, you need at least two guitar players. How else are you going to have dueling guitar solos?
37. Keyboards may substitute for one guitar player, as long as they can solo.
38. Fortunately, you don't need a bass player! Or at least, you never have to use the same bassist twice.
39. Begin all songs with one big swelling chord on the keyboard.
40. Acoustic guitars are allowed. Sometimes.
41. It's not a tour, it's a crusade!
42. Layer your vocals, hundreds upon hundreds of times. Don't worry about them live.
43. Never use mundane words in your lyrics. Nothing is epic if you don't use words like "majesty," "glorious," "magical," and so on.
44. Wizards! You need wizards!
45. Although your costume does not require corpse paint, it will require a cape, lots of jewelry, and the aforementioned swords.
46. Unless you are Manowar, in which case you are too metal for clothing.
47. Come to think of it, don't be Manowar.
48. Wear armor if at all possible. Hammerfall can give you an idea of the variety of acceptable armors, ranging from leather to ring-mail.
49. Songs don't begin at full speed. Gradually work your way into an epic frenzy.
50. Hail true metal!
51. Acoustic guitars are for intros and bridges. Then crush them with steel.
52. Epic. Tight. Pants.
53. Higher vocals are epic vocals. Female lead singers are great for this.
54. So, male lead singes should sound like female singers. See rule #52.
55. True warriors can tell the difference between albums.
56. Concept albums are totally epic. Nobody will ever see it coming.
57. Liner notes must include pages of backstory, either of your epic saga of conquest over dragons and evil or of your epic battles with alcoholism while recording the album.
58. Drugs aren't metal.
59. Beer, however, can be served in all kinds of true metal ways.
60. "Flagons of ale." It's appropriate to your fantasy-riddled lyrics, and it almost looks like "dragons," so you score extra points.
61. Since you can't get away with grunts, growls, and other troll-like noises, you will have to sing.
62. Your accent will show as a consequence.
63. To compensate, sing about killing trolls. Preferably with the swords that you carry onstage.
64. More sequels = more epic. See rule #7.
65. Guest vocalists, guest guitarists, and any special appearances from outside your band will make your sound more epic, even if the track sounds just like all the other songs on the album with an extra solo.
666. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!!
67. Begin songs at half-tempo, and then, when listeners least expect it (i.e. at exactly the same time it happens in all your other songs) kick into full speed complete with double-bass and power chords.
68. Bass players: one note. Really fast.
69. But include one enormous crazy-a** bass fill before the chorus, even though the production will bury you so far in the mix that most people won't realize your band has a bass player.
70. Just because you don't play black metal doesn't mean you can't use Tolkein.
71. Whenever you short of ideas, pick up your Dungeons and Dragons books. You might as well be the first band to sing about owlbears.
72. Never leave Europe.
73. For purposes of rule #72, Japan may be counted as part of Europe.
74. Oh, and South America was colonized by Europeans, so it can count too.
75. Orchestras make a great addition to your album. Since you can't afford one, find a new patch on your keyboard.
76. If your live album does not have the crowd singing all the harmony parts for you, you aren't epic enough to justify a live album.
77. If you are European, use as many archaic English words in your lyrics as you can. Obfuscation is epic!
78. If you are South American, your lyrics should be closer to standard English, though nobody will ever read them.
79. If you are U.S. American, you probably aren't actually a power metal band. Sing about tanks, or something.
80. If you are Italian, write some lyrics in Latin. Your American fans won't be able to tell the difference between your Italian lyrics and your Latin ones, but Latin is epic.
81. Remember, shaving is epic, haircuts are not.
82. Entire albums must be recorded in the same key.
83. For that matter, entire careers may also be recorded in the same key.
84. Guitarists, remember: dun da-da dun da-da dun da-da…
85. Make your band logo very angular, but perfectly legible.
86. More than a logo, you need a mascot.
87. He need not be distinguishable from Eddie, but he does need to be on all your album covers.
88. At your first gig, if you feel a "rising force", do be sure not to get it all over your audience.
89. Record your best songs unplugged, and sell them as an EP.
90. Do not expect anyone to buy the EP.
91. Remember, power metal fans are not gay. They are just comfortable with their masculinity.
92. Sing along.
93. Don't get caught singing along.
94. Glitter is not epic.
95. Neither is body oil. See rule #47.
96. If you see a black metaller in the woods pretending to be a troll, see rule #9 and rule #63.
97. In your liner notes, thank everybody you toured with, even if they're Stratovarius.
98. Complain about Stratovarius constantly even though you've bought all their albums and listen to them more than anything else in your collection.
99. Power metal must be pure; do not mix it with other metal styles.
100. To repeat: be epic.
101. I ran out of funny things to say way back at rule #52, but any less than 101 rules would so not be epic.

1. The more obscure the better
2. Hearing Metallica's cover of "Am I Evil?" does not make you a NWOBHM fan
3. Without Diamond Head, there would be no Metallica
4. Without NWOBHM, there would be no Thrash
5. Constantly complain that Thrash "killed off" NWOBHM; while secretly liking Thrash
6. When someone asks you what NWOBHM stands for, tell them something like "the best genre of music, ever." Make sure they still don't understand what it means.
7. Iron Maiden after "Killers" is not NWOBHM
8. Complain that Iron Maiden "stole" Bruce Dickinson from Samson, while praising him for his work in IM
9. Dress like you're from the 80s, this includes long unkempt hair, ripped jeans, ripped denim jackets with obscure band patches and an even more obscure band t-shirt
10. Pagan Altar are gods amongst men, this is unarguable
11. Def Leppard really really suck! (Apart from their debut)
12. When forming your own NWOBHM "tribute" band, record your album in the key of A
13. In fact, record your whole career in A
14. Make sure at least one song has the main riff lifted from "2 Minutes to Midnight"
15. Which was CLEARLY a rip-off from "Welcome to Hell" by Venom anyway
16. Ballads must have a clean picked intro, a crushing middle section, followed by a fast outro
17. Only write songs about sex, drugs and rock n roll...
18. And the Devil
19. Never down tune your guitars, ever (unless you're Venom)
20. You're not Venom and never will be
21. Bad production values are a MUST, if it's highly produced, it's not NWOBHM
22. Spend exactly £5.35 on producing your album
23. Did I mention the more obscure, the better?
24. Constantly complain that band X "should've made it big"
25. Complain about bands making it big and going commercial
26. Kevin Heyborne is a living legend, even if he can't keep a stable Angel Witch line-up for more than 5 seconds
27. Two words: WITCHFINDER GENERAL
28. Track down every demo, EP and single of your favourite NWOBHM band; go as far as contacting a former member and conducting an interview with him.
30. Start up a Neo-NWOBHM band...
31. But realize your only fans will probably be in Germany and/or Sweden...
32. And you can't afford to move there...
33. Nor would you want to because then you wouldn't be NWOBHM
34. Major record companies are evil; they killed off every NWOBHM act
35. Only sign with small independent record companies...
36. Or Neat
37. Brian Ross is your idol
38. Anything past 1986 isn't real metal....
39. Unless it's a NWOBHM reunion
40. Deliberately spell your band name wrong: substitute vowels for consonants (mainly y's) e.g. Tygers of Pan Tang, Tytan, Phyne Thanquz, etc
41. Name your band something completely irrelevant to the subject matter you sing about, e.g. Satan
42. Worship Diamond Head, daily, if necessary
43. Talk to mainstream metal fans about your favorite obscure NWOBHM act and tell them they're better than anyone they say (which is right, right?)
44. NWOBHM is the only genre that bad songwriting is acceptable
45. When recording your "live" album (keep in mind rule 21 and 22), dub in a few of your mates drunkenly shouting after every song has finished
46. Constantly remind people that Garage Inc. is far inferior to the original songs (especially the Diamond Head and Blitzkrieg covers)
47. Release your demo as a sleeveless 7" only make 500 copies; that way it'll be obscure enough to be classified as NWOBHM
48. Go to every NWOBHM reunion concert ever, even if they are held only in Germany and/or Sweden
49. High pitched vocals are a must. This is non-negotiable, unless you're Venom (see rule 20)
50. Keyboards are optional, keyboard solos however, are not
51. Never keep the same line-up for more than one single/demo/EP. Fire someone if you have to...
52. It'll probably be the drummer anyway
53. Motorhead and Judas Priest are not NWOBHM...
54. But they're pretty kickass nonetheless
55. To put your band in good light, tell people you used to perform at the Soundhouse, even if you weren't born in the 60s/70s...
56. They'd probably never find out anyway
57. NEVER under any circumstances give up on your quest for obscurity, no matter how far you dig, there will ALWAYS be a more obscure band out there (see rule 1)
58. Scorn Metallica for stealing Diamond Head's glory...
59. Even though they played together on at least one occasion
60. Lars Ulrich is an a**
61. Barry "Thuderstick" Graham isn't
62. Track down all of Bruce Dickinson's early recordings with Speed, Xero etc...
63. Even though they are pretty average at best
64. In NWOBHM, women are acceptable band members unlike that homo-erotic Thrash malarkey....
65. Keeping in mind rule 12, record a really heavy and fast song in the key of E...
66. Make it a B-side of a lightweight melodic rock song recorded in A...
67. The A-side is intended to get "recognized"
68. Getting recognized and becoming mainstream is not NWOBHM
69. Urchin are not NWOBHM but Dave Murray and Adrian Smith played in them so it's okay
70. There's much more to Holocaust than just "The Small Hours" but their version was better than Metallica's
71. Their version of "Master of Puppets" is also better than Metallica's
72. Bass MUST be audible, but keep in mind rules 21 and 22
73. Twin guitars are a must, this is essential...
74. Unless you're Venom (see rule 20)
75. Record a load of demos, stuff them in a box, break the band up and wait 20 years until "finding" them again, release them as "The Complete Anthology"
76. Instead of recommending the more known NWOBHM bands to interested friends, show them your collection of obscure 7" singles and demo tapes, tell them "you can look but not touch"...
77. No, you haven't listened to them either.
78. The NWOBHM Encyclopaedia by Malc McMillan is your bible...
79. You have it by your bedside table and read it every night
80. Owning a few Iron Maiden albums does not make you NWOBHM...
81. Even if they are self titled and Killers
82. Track down your favorite NWOBHM bands elusive out of print "second album"
83. Realize it's crap, but keep in anyway because you just shelled out 100quid for it on eBay
84. Following rule 83, debut albums are ALWAYS a NWOBHM band's best work, this is unarguable
85. You thought I was going to say "unless you're Venom" didn't you?
86. Venom's debut IS their best work, period
87. And possibly the worst produced album, ever
88. Re-release all your albums "remastered" with all your demos and EPs tacked on the end
89. Your debut album must be raw and frantic; your sophomore album must be either hair metal or AOR
90. Your album and/or single cover must be a black and white sketch done by your mate who does art in college (part time, of course) of either your band, the Grim Reaper, skulls, or some valiant warrior on horseback
91. Don't sing about the Grim Reaper, skulls, or some valiant warrior on horseback
92. Following rules 65 and 66, record a cheesy ballad with synthesizers, make it 9 minutes long and release the lot as an EP
93. Paul DiAnno is still cool even if he was fired from Iron Maiden and done precisely nothing since then
94. To preserve your legacy, DON'T record an album, just singles, demos and EP's, this will ensure your place in the NWOBHM hall of fame...
95. After that see rule 75
96. Record all your material in your front room or garage
97. Paradoxically, foreign members are allowed in NWOBHM bands, hell, even full foreign bands can be classified as NWOBHM as long as they played at least one gig in London during the 80s
98. Progressive elements ARE allowed in NWOBHM, unlike that boring Thrash malarkey...
99. Thrash is actually really really cool, even if it is American
100. Remember kids, the more obscure the band, the better they are!
101. Don't take this list too seriously

1. Be violent.
2. Be aggressive.
3. Show hate.
4. If you can't show hate, show some anger.
5. But not St. Anger.
6. You are forbidden to show emotions.
7. Well, you can show anger.
8. But not St. Anger.
9. Never, ever, under any circumstances smile. Smiling is gay.
10. Thus, Anthrax is the gayest band ever.
11. Sing about killing, raping, torturing and destroying people.
12. Have no courage for even killing an ant.
13. Old-School thrash is the only thrash.
14. Comeback albums are not.
15. Don't be James Hetfield.
16. Don't be Dave Mustaine.
17. DON'T listen to punk, punk is gay.
18. Secretly, listen to the Misfits.
19. Hate new bands, old-school thrash is the only thrash.
20. Hate crossovers, old-school thrash is the only thrash.
21. If you run out of ideas, remember: life sucks, goverment sucks, you reject this ******** place, you despise this ******** race.
22. No matter if you are 15, say that you remember seeing those news about the death of Cliff Burton.
23. Say that you cried.
24. Aha!
25. 80's were the best time for thrash, try to be born in the 60's-70's to release your best album during that period.
26. Release your best album in 1986.
27. If you can't, you can do it in 1987.
28. After the 90's forget about thrash, 90's are so... unthrash!.
29. You have two options:
30. a) Split your band up.
31. b) Make some trash metal:
32. You can go heavy: anth... mega...
33. Or tribal: sepul...
34. Maybe industrial: krea...
35. Also country: met...
36. Even punky: sod...
37. If you split your band up in early 90's you've got permission to reform in early 2000's, and release one or two albums, then split again.
38. If you didn't break up, pretend to release a comeback album, after a decade of s**t.
39. Kindly refer to rule #14, and madly to rule #5.
40. Own hundreds of old-school demos and albums.
41. Own Master Of Puppets.
42. Actually, listen only to this album.
43. Well, and maybe Reign in Blood.
44. Keep complaining about Metallica selling out.
45. Keep complaining about Megadeth selling out.
46. Keep complaining about [random bandname here] selling out.
47. Ballads are gay.
48. Naming a song "The Ballad" is even more GAY.
49. Keep this in mind, you were not a child.
50. And when you were, your childhood was full of sorrow.
51. But at least you didn't got molested, leave that for Nu Metal suckers.
52. Remember about your mother and father - and the undying spite you feel for them.
53. Acoustic guitars are limited to showing proeficiency, or intros/outros/interludes.
54. Release an album consisting of punk covers, this is not optional.
55. Remember, for riffs, you only have two strings, the 6th and 5th.
56. For solos you only have one, the 1st, maybe the 2nd.
57. You are forbidden to growl, unless you are from Germany.
58. Or from Brazil.
59. You are not Kreator, nor Sodom nor Destruction, and you never will be.
60. Try to be them.
61. Don't be death metal, death is dumb.
62. Don't be black metal, black is dumb.
63. Music theory? gimmie a break!!
64. Don't be progressive, progressive is dumb.
65. Hate any subgenre influenced by thrash, read rule #13.
66. Feel the fire of thrash burning your soul.
67. Not your body!!!!, read rule #15.
68. Look at you, your feelings turn stronger than hate!!!.
69. Sing a lot against religion, about killing Jesus and so on.
70. Claim to be roman catholic even if you do so.
71. Or claim to be atheist, and remember, Satan is funny, nazis were funny, serial killers are funny, shame on you Kerry King!
72. Only one member is allowed to sing.
73. Well, other members can scream at choruses.
74. Allowed words are: Die! Kill! Hell! Hey!
75. Don't have friends, friendship is gay.
76. Don't have girlfriends, that's gay.
77. What?!
78. Death metal's hostillity towards gayness is borrowed from thrash metal's. (read Death Metal rules, of course don't follow them).
79. When naming your favorite bands, always name Metallica first.
80. Forget about those bands which have the sound you have searched for years.
81. If you are from Brazil, name your band after a coffin related thing: Sepultura, Sarcófago, and so on.
82. San Francisco shores used to be good for writing thrash in the 80's.
83. Power-Thrash: what?! Aggressive dragons?
84. Death-Thrash: read rule 61.
85. Black-Thrash: haven't you read rule 62 yet? Also, black is so... unthrash
86. Progressive-Thrash: read rule 64
87. Post-Thrash: post-thrash is forbidden, read rule #13.
88. Secretly listen to Pantera.
89. I mean, secretly listen to their first albums.
90. Gotcha! You are gay!
91. No matter if it's legal now, sue Napster!!!
92. Asking for melodic thrash bands its the gayest thing that someone could ever do.
93. ---"Seriously, can you recommend me a melodic thrash band?"---
94. Death, Death Angel, Dark Angel, Morbid Angel, Morbid Saint - THESE BANDS ARE NOT THE SAME!!!
95. Five more to go!
96. Write rules for thrash metal, its a chick magnet.
97. Reading rules for thrash metal its also a chick magnet
98. Kill Bob Rock!
99. Ask Rick Rubin to do that.
100. Be enemy of your fellow thrashers.
101. Done!

1. Insist that your definition of prog metal is sacred and that the only progressive bands are the one you deem to be so.
2. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 1 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
3. Have contempt for mainstream music.
4. Insist that most people listen not to the music, not to the lyrics but only the chorus and that is why prog metal is not mainstream.
5. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 4 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
6. When showcasing a new prog metal band to a non-musician friend, put on the most technically difficult song, and skip directly to the solo part.
7. If your friend says that it is cool, tell him that he has grasped the grandeur of prog and shown that his intelligence is superior to that of the mainstream sheep.
8. If he doesn´t, accuse him of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
9. Renounce all contact with friend in rule 8. Racial purity isn´t all bad.
10. Make sure your drummer has a double bass pedal.
11. If he hasn´t, kick him out and get another one who has. Single pedal is NOT prog.
12. Own every side-project a member of Dream Theater has been involved in. Listen to approximately none of them regularly.
13. When a mainstream fool asks you what prog metal is, tell him something along the lines of "prog is the evolution of musical expression and experimentalism in rock." In any case, make sure that the person in question is left with no idea of what prog metal is. He wouldn´t have understood anyway.
14. Insist that music should always progress, although as long as you write an album in the prog vein, you don't necessarily have to.
15. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 14 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
16. Refer to progressive metal as intelligent music for intelligent people, preferably at every occasion where a mainstream group or genre is mentioned.
17. Note that the above does not qualify as arrogance any more than pointing out that wine is drink for the more sophisticated.
18. A song under four minutes is NOT prog. If you are stuck with a song under four minutes, insert a phrygian solo trade-off between the guitarist and keyboardist as long as needed.
19. If a mainstream fool tells you that shredders are mindless wankers, tell him that "at least they can tune their guitars, har har", and walk away defiantly.
20. Spocks Beard is NOT prog. If anyone disagrees, kill them.
21. Humming along with the melody to a prog metal song is forbidden. Burn all albums you own with hum-along melodies.
22. Loathe all music you used to like before you got into prog. This is not optional. When asked why, tell people that "I am into GOOD music now, why would I go back?".
23. Accuse any prog metal musician that cuts his hair of selling out.
24. Often state that you don´t only listen to prog. Jazz is a good choice.
25. Yeah...like you have more than 3 jazz CDs in your collection...
26. Never accept ANY Berklee graduates. The drop-outs are so much better.
27. Riffs in 4/4 are not progressive. If you happen to come up with a cool riff in 4/4, alternate between 4/4 and progressive time signatures like 7/8 every other measure to ensure the musical complexity synonymous with prog metal.
28. Be able to mention 20 bands noone has heard of, not even true prog fans. Own no releases of these bands.
29. Get an Ibanez. This is not negotiable.
30. Spend 5 hours every day critiquing other musicians on forums.
31. Spend 5 minutes every other day actually practicing your instrument.
32. Yell at people who headbang at concerts: They're not prog enough to get the music, what do they expect?
33. Sus4 is your friend. To ensure that your album is a true progressive release, include at least one part where the keyboard plays ascending sus4 chords over a single-note broken rhythm in 7/8.
34. Make sure your bandname is either a
a) Oxymoron
-Silent Noise
-Tender Harshness
-Healing Gun
Some geeky sounding name ripped from some obscure book.
-Deitronus
-Tarakoch
-Fentaran
or
c) Random combination of at least 2 three-syllable words.
-Eternal Twilight Tranquility (Can't get much progger than that)
-Redolent Arithmetic
-Evolution of Vernacular Domesticated
35. Don't worry about if your band name makes any sense or not. Since 90% of your fanbase is from Brazil and Japan, you can safely ignore conventional English grammar and instead focus on what´s really important: The lyrics (see rule 36).
36. Write deep and ambiguous lyrics.
37. If unable to write deep and ambigous lyrics, include at least one of the following phrases to ensure recognition as lyrical genius in prog circles:
"I'm staring towards ascension divine, caught in my own revelation, a nightly mystery of soulburning apparition"
"Mornings' gentle caress, a ray of sunlight enveloping the spirit of the sleeper ventriloquist"
"A timid, palatable genocide, turn towards the decline of mankind, the festering wound of ages past changes into the soul-spirit of vestigial sentences."
38. Use a non-standard instrument like violin, saxophone or kazoo, regardless of how idiosyncratic it turns out to be. This constitutes being prog.
39. Make sure your bass-player has as many strings as possible. Don't worry if he uses approximately three of the 11 strings on his custom Carvin 30 kg bass regularly, just give him a bass solo in the middle of your mandatory instrumental tune(more on that later)where he can really show the extent of his instruments capabilities. Imagine the range of scales on an instrument like that!
40. Release a live-album called "Live in Tokyo".
41. Change time signatures. Constantly.
42. Accuse anyone who does not do so of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true progressive musician.
43. Your amp MUST be a Mesa Boogie. If a friend of yours tries to convince you´re wrong and you should check out his Marshall tell him that his tone is thin and buzzy.
44. State that Metallica can´t properly tweak the boogies. They´re so... unprog!
45. Start a Dream Theater cover band with friends just starting out playing instruments. Spend half of the rehearsal talking s**t about punk bands and how people don't understand your music.
46. Play a shitty version of a humongously difficult DT song at a Battle of the Bands-type contest. Metropolis Part 1 or Dance of Eternity are both good choices, as is Erotomania.
47. When your band ends up last, shift all blame over to the judges; hey, they have no idea what good music is! Why else would they let that boring pop band win?
48. Talking about starting playing an instrument; always start with the most technically difficult song you know. Remember, this is a testament to your immense talent, so be sure to mention this on every internet community you happen to frequent.
49. When are you able to play something at half speed very sloppy, proudly state that you "nail" the song in question.
50. People are bound to ask for a recording of the feat mentioned in rule 49. However, you are not able to provide it to them, because a) your recording equipment got dissolved by digestive acid yesterday, you don't need to prove anything to people. Your word should be good enough c) you don't know anything about computers (even though you sit by one most of the day), as you spend most of your day practicing your instrument.
51. Tool is NOT prog. If anyone insists they are, kill them.
52. Hate Falling into Infinity. If the feeling that you actually enjoy FII(even the "proggier" songs like TOT)sneaks up on you during a glitch of concentration, remind yourself that DT sold out.
53. Actually, state that DT sold out on every good occasion. This means every time their name is mentioned.
54. Don´t be John Arch. Insist that any pre-Alder Fates is 100% not prog.
55. Do not move on stage. Don't under any circumstances forget that nobody at prog concerts pays attention to the audience, including the band.
56. The best songs are those that are over 15 minutes, have multiple named sections, and have solos by everyone in the band INCLUDING the drummer.
57. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 56 of lacking musical inteli...Yeah, you've got it now, haven't you?
58. Never ever under any circumstances say "Six Degrees Of Inner Turbulence ruled."
59. Never let anyone tell you that Dave Weckl is better than any prog metal drummer. If they still insist, don't kill them, but rather put on the Mike Portnoy drum solo from 1993's "Live in Tokyo" vid, which still today is the benchmark for good drumming, REGARDLESS of genre.
60. It would still be a good idea to have that gun ready, though.
61. Drummers: Huge kits are MANDATORY!!!! If all you have is a 4-piece with 3 crappy cymbals, then you don´t belong on stage. A 5-piece single bass drum kit is the bare minimum and even that´s on the edges of bare bones. If you have a tiny kit BUY MORE DRUMS AND CYMBALS!!!!!!!
62. No, 6 toms are not enough, MORE DRUMS AND CYMBALS!!!!
63. Reform with old members and release an album intended to make up for years of bad reception from fans (see Yes) or claim your next album will be a return to past glory (see Queensryche). If it flops, be sure to blame a producer or record company.
64. When someone asks you why prog metal isn't more popular if it is so darned good, tell them that it is because "it is over the mainstream peoples heads".
65. Talent = Technical skill. Hail any band with lightning-speed solos for their immense talent.
66. Publicly state that your band is non-religious, then make many religious and/or spiritual allusions in the lyrics.
67. Stress your openmindedness. State that you like all forms of music, except lower forms of music like pop, rock 'n roll, blues, techno, trance, rap.
68. Accuse fans of the aforementioned genres of not being openminded.
69. Get a Kurzweil. As the undisputed <<>>, Jordan Rudess plays it, you have no choice but to get one yourself, no matter what synthezisers you actually like. ALL BOW TO THE MIGHTY 88-KEY <<>> KURZWEIL!!!
70. ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNO-KURZWEIL!!!!(Futuruma fans will know what I'm talking about)
71. Show off with your equipment. Show off with your playing/singing. Show off with your *ahem* length. Show off with your girlfriend. Show off with anything you can think of. Show off with your DOG for god´s sake.
72. Get a dog.
73. Play air-drums or air-guitar at concerts. This will make sure that other prog fans recognize your immense talent.
74. Stuck in song-writing? Insert a part with a slow single-note gallop rhythm where the singer yells "ENTER THE SUUUNNNNNNNN" several times.
75. Note that you can substitute "ENTER THE SUUUNNNNNNNNN" for either of the following: "FATHER, MY ADOLESCENCY IS AGONNNNNYYYYYYY" or "THE APPARITION DIVIIIIIINNNNEEEE". All three are suitable choices.
76. What do you mean, you haven't trigged your bassdrum?
77. Remember, faster=more progressive. Slow songs cannot be progressive, best example would be Pink Floyd.
78. If anyone says PF are prog, kindly refer them to rule 1 while you prepare to do a "Varg", so to say.
79. During recording, make sure that you accuse the producer, the recording engineer and half of your band of not playing the song properly at least once.
80. Make sure your album cover contains either a psychedelic computer-drawn image, a lavish painting with mythological figures, or is illustrated by Travis Smith.
81. Write epics.
82. In case you didn't know, epics must be about adolescency, concerning a legend, or a deep dystopian tale where a cheesy fictional city/world/pizza shop serves as a metaphor for this world.
83. Have racks with loads of equipment.
84. Have racks without equipment. Who is going to see them if you don't display them?
85. No intro for your song? Insert a single-note broken rhythm accented on the snare, with shifting keyboard chords underneath.
86. Refuse to lend prog CDs to mainstream friends. When asked why, tell him/her that (s)he "will understand when (s)he matures"
87. When playing ANY gig, from the lowliest bar to the most gargantuan arena, be sure that no member of the audience will leave without having heard every lick you are able to play.
88. Have at least 5 solo spots during a concert.
89. In case you have forgotten while reading this, prog metal is intelligent music for intelligent people.
90. No, Marillion is not prog. I kindly refer you to rule 20.
91. BOOOM!!!
92. Buy new albums from past prog-greats.
93. When they turn out to be crap and nothing like the old albums, hit yourself in the head with a hammer until you like them.
94. Hold that there is no bad prog, only DIFFERENT.
95. Of course, that only applies to bands you like. See Rule 1.
96. In case you wondered, Dream Theater is and will always be the benchmark for prog metal. The more something sounds like Images and Words, the more progressive it is.
97. Proclaim Rule 96 to people with a straight face in all seriousness. This is not optional.
98. Have side-projects. Make sure that all side-projects consist of pointless jamming over endless repetitions of clicheed riffs.
99. Make sure that at least one of your side-projects feature Mike Portnoy on drums.
100. If you cannot get Mike Portnoy, get someone who sounds like him.
101. You mean you have been reading this when you could have been practicing along to Metropolis Part II or composing a sidelong epic? For shame!!!!

1. Life is too short to experience all that is good.
2. Life is too long to enjoy living.
3. Every day is a funeral.
4. Do not wear anything but flat black clothes and combat boots.
5. Do not smile
6. Do not laugh.
7. Death Doom is not slow Death Metal, unless you think it is.
8. Doom Metal is not Death Metal with a violin.
9. No matter what anyone says, that vocalist is not the Cookie Monster.
10. I said "No laughing!!!"
11. No matter what anyone says, you're not a Goth.
12. While a black teddy bear with a broken heart hanging from a noose on your windshield may very well symbolize your tortured inner nature, it's not very metal.
13. It is acceptable to listen to non-doomy music if you play it at 1/4 of its normal tempo.
14. You may complain about an album's production unless it is a Thergothon release.
15. You will own Thergothon's 'Stream From The Heavens', but never listen to it because of the bad sound quality.
16. Spend years looking for that extremly rare limited to 500 copies vinyl only release that you must own, then listen to it twice in your lifetime.
17. You must never admit to liking a "fast part" on a doom CD, unless it is Disembowelment.
18. Watch incomprehensible cult movies with no plot, storyline or anything remotely interesting happening because "it's doomy!".
19. You can make fun of Nazis unless the said Nazi is ******** up Mad Max. Then you can overlook his beliefs because his "music was good".
20. Album covers must contain one of the following: Ruins, Spirits in agony, A cemetary sculpture of an angel, or A pretty painting of heaven...
21. But you're not a Goth!
22. As a Doomster, you're too apathetic to engage in silly music genre debates.
23. Unless someone calls you Gothic, then it's on.
24. Always let your goat listen first to a new CD, so she may consider if it's good or bad for you.
25. Kitty cats are not appropriate pets unless they're black and depressed.
26. You must appreciate folk polka metal because polka is dark, emotional and "...really doomier than Serenades when you think about it."
27. Consider yourself open-minded about music.
28. Consider all other metal narrow-minded, especially "True Norwegian Black Metal!"
29. Ignore the contradiction of the above two rules.
30. If you're a traditional doom fan, you must complain endlessly about My Dying Bride, and call all the non-trad fans "Gothic Fags." Also complain about Droning doom because it's not music.
31. If you're a Sludge Doom fan moan that Trad doom is really Heavy Rock.
32. If you're a Stoner Doom Fan, you are not paranoid. They are all out to get you.
33. If you're a Doom/Death fan, you must complain endlessly about Droning Doom because it's even slower and more boring than what you listen to. Also complain about trad-doom because half the vocalists sound like they've been castrated.
34. If you're a fan of Droning Doom, you're probably too busy zoning on the droning to be reading this list, or to even care.
35. Remember Rule 22. You do not engage in silly music genre debates.
36. If someone says Doom-Metal is a mix between Death-Metal and Gothic-Metal, kick him in the nuts.
37. Unless you're fixated on an Earth CD at the time, then you probably didn't hear a word he just said.
38. If you find yourself describing your favourite piece of music as "Joyful," "A bright ray of sunshine," or "the super happy fun song," there's a slight chance that it's not Doom.
39. Doom Reviews containing descriptions such as "Crushing," "Monolithic," "Depressive," and "Suicidal" are good reviews... and yes, these are complimentary terms!
40. If you feel down, then listen to some truly soul crushing, suicidal doom to cheer you up.
41. If you are Doom, you are probably from Finland or Yorkshire.
42. Even if you're not Doom, if you're from Finland, you're probably still a miserable b*****d.
43. No matter how slow you play, you can always play slower.
44. If there are more than 30 beats per minute, the music is too fast.
45. If you play anything above 30 bpm, you are probably Pop music, unless you are Disembowelment.
46. If Skepticism suddenly decides to play something above 30 bpm, then we will make an exception for them too, but this is very unlikely.
47. Make sure to include such words as "Emptiness," "Dying," "Solitude," "Cold," "Night," "Despair," "Demon," "Caress," "Darkness," and "Shadows" in your band name, song titles, and lyrics. Arrange them in faux poetic ways such as "In the Cold Demon's Caress, I lay Dying," "Dark Emptiness," "In Demonic Shadows, I Despair." "Empty Shadows of Death," and one that every True Doomster should relate to: "Nights of Solitude."
48. Only the first two albums of a band are True™ doom.
49. Disband after the first album or mini-cd and you're CULT!
50. Never let your audience know if your new song is an instrumental or not until you really have to. Give them at least 3 minutes to guess how the song will turn out.
51. Record 6 songs that span over the length of 2 full CDs. Obviously intro's, outro's and short intermezzo's (on both disks) are included in the song count.
52. You must make fun of Black Metal musicians taking pictures in the woods. Promptly afterwards you will have your band-mate follow you into a thicket by the local cemetery with a 35mm camera for "band shots".
53. True™ doom lyrical content must include references to: a relative, spouse, fiancée or pet dying, or abstract explorations of getting dumped by your girlfriend.
54. If you reference all of the above in a single song, you qualify for "Sooper Dooper Pooper Scooper True Cult Doom" status. An example of this would be: "Rover has passed into the frozen wastes of Kadath, and my heart has been rent from my ribcage by thee, temptress b***h."
55. There have to be at least 3 different songs with the same name in your repertoire. (You may put a number after it if you want, such as "Rover, My Temptress b***h MXVIII." wink
56. While practicing your death metal "Cookie Monster" vocals, resist the temptation to write songs about how much the chocolate chips long to join the sugary dough for one last dip into the pond of milk white purity before being thrown into the gaping maw of a ravenous muppet.
57. Most importantly, and I can't stress this enough: Be from Finland!
58. A Funeral Doom riff should last a minimum of 15 seconds, and repeat itself for at least 16 minutes.
59. You know you are a funeral doomster when you find yourself saying, "Black Sabbath just play too fast."
60. If you're a traditional doomster, rip off Black Sabbath, Saint Vitus, Obsessed, Pagan Altar and Pentagram, then claim any similarity is pure coincidence.
61. Mourn the loss of Paradise Lost a once great band.
62. Violinists are not necessarily gay.
63. The mark of good funeral doom is whether you can get a beer from the fridge in the time between two snare hits.
64. True doomsters are too depressed to go to band practice.
65. Use Æ in your song titles
66. Doomsters are not kvlt, tr00, gr1m or pretentious.
67. Hide your Darkthrone records when one of your doomed mates visits.
68. Any song shorter than 8 minutes is an 'Intro'.
69. Doom bands should not be popular, unless they're disbanded, then they are CULT.
70. Don't go out, unless the weather's cold and dreary.
71. Funerals are your favourite pastime.
72. State explicitly that doom bands are interesting and varied, then record a song with one riff the entire 20minutes of the track
73. If you are no longer doom, say you've "progressed" and deny that any previous doom recording even existed.
74. Sing along in the bath to your favourite doom band, then deny it because your too "depressed" to sing to yourself in the bath
75. Doomsters listen to a variety of music, are able to appreciate many music forms, and laugh at the s**t non-doomsters listen to.
76. All doom bands are pioneering even if they sounds like every other doom band
77. Keep tours to a minimum, if people want to see you they have to be cult enough to travel at least 20,000miles
78. If more than 20 people ever come to one of your shows, you have to break up or else you're a sell-out
79. Name your demos and albums with strange titles like "Cthulghy Hyoyrto Skyththte", or "Jhihhee Eliidhhddeenn Fffffhhhhttthjhjuuuuu". By doing this, your band will look really avant garde, progressive and doom.
80. Be tired and indifferent during interviews. Your answers should contain at least 10 long-structured sentences. Otherwise, you are just a punk rock p***k.
81. Doom musicians don't move at gigs. If they move, they are not doom.
82. Same applies to the audience.
83. Do not update your band's website.
84. If your fellow-band members are manic-depressive, make sure you quit before they reach the manic phase!
85. Never respond to e-mails, especially if they are asking to buy your CD.
86. Don't release any of your tracks on the internet, so people can't find out how you sound. And when do finally release your album, release it in an obscure label from Australia that refuses to distribute any of the 500 printed copies.
87. If possible, do not release anything when you're band is still together. After you're disbanded release your abominable rehearsal tapes and sell them with outrageous prices.
88. Artwork must contain pink or purple!
89. Make really happy music and sing about always looking on the bright side of life... Eric Idle is doom?… Life's a bowl of s**t, when you look at it!
90. If someone can recognize one of your band members in a picture, you are not doom.
91. Do not betray your favourite band by wearing one of their T-Shirts. If someone sees it and listens to them, they will become popular and hence commercial sell-out s**t.
92. Re-re-re-re-release your demo on tape or vinyl, but not on cd, and make sure no one ever will be able to buy it
93. You know when you are listening to doom when you're out cycling and old ladies walk past you.
94. You know when you are listening to doom when that snail jumps out in front of you.
95. The mark of a good Funeral Doom album is to put it on, go to sleep and find it's still playing when you wake up.
96. Make sure your booklet don't contain lyrics or information of any sort.
97. Doom should sound like being alone, naked, with no food, or water, in the middle of a terrible blizzard, with a lot of hatred and pain in your heart, while being on drugs. If it doesn't go see a doctor of doom.
98. Finland, Finland, Finland, the country where I want to be, pony trekking or camping, or just watching TV. Finland, Finland, Finland, it's the country for me!
99. Always keep the curtains closed, use candles is you must have light.
100. Your first breath is the beginning of your death.
101. Go drown yourself in a stream of mourn.
102. Never let anybody else contribute to a list of Doom Rules
103. Life is full of suffering, a seemingly endless path in the blackest darkness imaginable, which stops suddenly and you fall into even blacker nothingness
104. Emptiness rules
105. Skepticism is spelt with a 'K'
106. Happiness is a worthless electrical illusion created by pointless peasants
107. Time is what happens between mistakes
108. Life is what happens to you if you don't die soon enough, but don't panic, life is terminal.
109. Nothing is the answer to everything
110. People are cannibals who eat themselves in order to sustain themselves
111. Doom is a state of mind, a dark blue, blanket grey, black state of mind
112. You are born, you chug alone on rails, you pause at stations to let people on and off and you terminate; and there is nothing you can do about it… and that is the shape of despair.
113. Life is a fruitless search for a answer that doesn't exist that seems to last longer than a Doom song but is actually over in a flash
114. Life is loneliness in a world of 6 billion people.
115. In all things, be alone.
116. Doomsters like to moan about life
117. Everything is bullshit and fake, and your dreams are insignificant.
118. Take each day at a time and discard yesterday's burdens or they will crush you when you add them to tomorrows
119. Life is a sexually transmitted disease
120. Life is pop-up hell
121. Life... don't talk to me about life
122. Life is a JOKE... remember, NO LAUGHING!!
123. Nothing is real
124. Ambition is like smoking face down in bed
125. Happiness is keeping busy and not thinking too much
126. Happiness is about being happy that you're not sad about being unhappy.
127. The music business is a monkey's arse.
128. Judge a person by their record collection.
129. There is no problem that cannot be solved by real ale
130. Love is a poisoned chalice and hate is the antidote
131. Life is like a chocolate box, some do without, others have plenty. It sticks in my throat, my stomach's in knots, while your box is so full, mine's perpetually empty
132. Hell is other people
133. A sunset is only electromagnetic radiation whose photons register in you eye sensors. Beauty is an illusion invented by postcard salesmen
134. Fail young, fail often
135. Avoid moments of clarity
136. Look forward to your last breath and the pleasure of that final disappointment and say "Is that all there is? If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing, let's break out the booze and have a ball, if that's all there is".
137. Never brush your teeth with a Noothgrush
138. Living is pointless, death is pointless, talking to others is pointless, so what's my point?
139. Life is like a bookcase and happiness is candy on the top shelf and you're a four year old who can't reach. Just don't be surprised when the whole lot crashes down on you when you climb up to reach it and the candy falls further out of reach… and then you die.
140. Be content to vanish into nothingness when you die for no show, however good, could conceivably be good forever
141. Reality is an internal representation, so don't worry about it
142. Worry about your next meal instead of enjoying the one you have.
143. In all things be drunk.
144. Doomsters don't take 'Speed', they take 'Slow'
145. Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury signifying nothing.
146. Life is a 100 year mortgage that you can't afford the payments on.
147. When your creativity have dried up and shrivelled like an old prune, sign up with Century Media and abandon Doom altogether and go MTV friendly, but still cite My Dying Bride as one of your major influences.
148. Insisting your latest album is the bleakest, and most haunting your band has ever recorded, even if it's your debut.
149. Drone doomsters do go OooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnNNNNNNNNNNNNnnn... nnnnnnnnnnnnNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnNNNNNN... NNNnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, sometimes.
150. Mournful Congregation would like to thank depression, pain, death, suicide, distain, misery, sadness, gloom dejection, melancholia, desolation, despondency, discouragement, downheartedness, grief, suffering distress, anguish, torture, agony, torment woe, sorrow, Wretchedness, unhappiness, affliction, displeasure, misfortune, lamentation, mourning, solitude, solemnity and Doom.... and so should you.
151. Generally speaking Sludge Doomsters are angry, Gothic doomsters are sad, funeral doomsters are barely breathing, death doomsters are dirty, drunk and dribbling, Stoner Doomsters don't care, drone doomsters are out of it and traditional Doomsters are permanently pissed off, mainly with other doomsters.
152. Have at least one goat-related song on your new album
153. If you are from England become sad and embittered that no-one gives two ******** about you, your band or your label, because in England nobody care about anything except their own little stash, nobody that is except those 30 people odd people who do turn up to see you play, and they are worth more than a stadium full of fair weather trend following wankers.
154. If half the audience hasn't left out of frustration before you've finished your first note, then you're playing too fast.
155. Trad Doom bands have to have s**t singers, it's the law.
156. No one else understands why a 2 note song is good, but you don't care.
157. Impaled Nazarene are Doom because of the shear number of goats involved.
158. Make sure your drummer's not awake during gigs. After the gig, wake him up and tell him he played fantastic.
159. Look very bored during parties. If anyone asks, say you amuse yourself.
160. Debuts are good. Follow-ups are repetition and sell-out.
161. Make fun of punks. remember though, you are open-minded.
162. Trust me, your last gig was aweful.
163. Blame others for your lack of success if success is what you seek (you know who you are)
164. Make sure at least one member of your band owns a record label otherwise you'll never release anything other than CDRs.
165. If no one in your bands owns a record label then write rave reviews of the bands that do.
166. Don't mention Lee Dorian's singing ability. Remember, he owns a record label.
167. "The end will come for all these lies, life is worthless, life will die, there's no need to cry" --Douglas P.
168. Funeral Doomsters: Make sure you have a tuner connected to your guitar, it's bound to get out of tune between strikes.
169. Did the lights just go out or was that the night?
170. Expect the term 'Score' to mean one thing to a Funeral Doomster and something completely different to a Stoner Doomster.
171. Expect the phrase "Is there another key?" to mean one thing to a Death Doomster and something completely different to a Stoner Doomster.
172. The glass is half empty dummy.
173. Don't cry into your beer, it will water it down and make it taste salty.
174. Doom SHALL rise.
175. Doom or be doomed.
176. Say after me... "I will stay on this revolving globe of outrage until it breaks wind and collapses on itself".
177. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
178. Pour your heart and soul into designing a flyer, get them printed, then don't post them. It's connected with rule 91... Flyers = Sellout... remember, no one must know.
179. Always outnumber your audience in case they beat you up after the gig and nick your equipment
180. Tell everyone that your bandmembers are all 100% True Doom, even if the drummer's secretly into Trash, the guitarist's a closet Malmsteen fan and the bassplayer's so doped up he thinks he a Prog Rocker.
181. You can be in as many bands as you like, but just make sure that they all play the same stage on the same night, and ideally, sound exactly the same.
182. Get a girlfriend...she will double the audience!
183. Amaze your audience and get a full lineup together.
184. To be classified True™ doom you must obtain a signed certificate of authentication from Wino.
185. Any sign of progression or deviation from the True™ Doom path will result in debagging and expulsion from the "Circle Of True Doom"™. Disgraced band member's names will be struck from the "Children of Doom"™ register and Wino certification withdrawn.
186. The Swans are doom.
187. Doom is Rage without the aggression.
188. Don't try and headbang to Funeral Doom, you'll look ridiculous.
189. Rather than headbanging and looking amazingly ridiculous, prepare for your next funeral metal gig by avoiding sex, or touching your wankshaft for a couple of weeks, let your balls swell up to the size of melons, then on the night, drop your trousers and unleash you're awe inspiringly large testicles... arch your back... spread your legs wide... and sway them to and fro in time to the mega slow metal thereby avoiding any possibly headbanging embarrasing situation.
190. There is pleasure in grief.
191. Doom is the sound of inevitablility.
192. Don't pay by the hour for rehearsal space if you intend running through a few 'Until Death Overtakes Me' numbers.
193. The doomed mind is a terrible thing to taste so spice it up with some fava beans and a nice chianti
194. Doomed solo composers must have Funeral, Drone and Ambient projects and several combinations thereof on the go at any one time to be taken seriously.
195. Insist that all of these projects are different, even if they sound the same.
196. Claim you know the singer of My Dying Bride, or were present in the studio when they recorded 'Turn Loose the Swans'

1. Have a cool MySpace layout
2. You are a really popular guy at school or a lonely emo kid
3. You can't be something in between
4. You don't listen only to Deathcore, you also like The Faceless and The Black Dahlia Murder
5. The new Job for A Cowboy record is so lame; you prefer the 'old' stuff with a lot of bree bree grunts.
6. You don't give a s**t what people think
7. But be constantly involved in a fight over the internet.
8. Your band logo must be real' br00tal.
9. But your band name is in fact Rose Funeral or Bring Me the Horizon.
10. Be br00tal, but not too much 'cause eating babies and having sex with corpses is kind of disgusting.
11. Instead, sing about personal struggles, society and love.
12. Listen (or make believe you do) to at least 3 or 4 death metal band to higher your credibility.
13. Be Christian.
14. Dress like a gangster but wear a Suffocation shirt.
15. The stuff you listen to must be fresh and less than 10 years old because the 90's are over now.
16. Ruin a song with random breakdowns.
17. You're allowed to listen to rap and metalcore/screamo.
18. Label yourself as "Gore not Core" even if you're Waking the Cadaver.
19. Change musical direction after 2 albums because trends don't last.
20. Or label yourself as Death Metal because people made bad critics about your band being poser metal.
21. Never review a band/album on any metal websites.
22. Because if you like that album, people will call you names.
23. Wear tight jeans and stretch earrings.
24. Be shy and by yourself at concerts.
25. Because we know you came for the opening band.
26. But you might dance like a ninja on steroids if you are with some friends.
27. But don't mosh.
28. Inhale scream (or bree bree grunt if you're more br00tal).
29. When your band is on a line-up with metal acts, your band mates must wear their DEATH METAL shirts.
30. So the crowd can appreciate your music.
31. Headline a 20 year old Death Metal band.
32. You have discovered Cryptopsy because of The Unspoken King.
33. Look like your girlfriend.
34. Get signed by Metal Blade for your very first release
35. After one EP onlyt, release a lot of merch.
36. I mean tons and tons of merch.
37. Musical content is the least important part about your band.
38. Use the word "brutal" a lot.
39. Overuse it desperately.
40. You don't know what black metal is.
41. Sound exactly the same as the 5 other bands on the tour.
42. Look like a queer.
43. You're forbidden to have long hair because it's dirty and you don't want to look poor.
44. You listen to girly metal.
45. Dress like any kid on the street.
46. as long as you fit in.
47. Your band's T-shirts are full of flashy colors with rainbow sentences on the back.
48. You have a lot of friends on Facebook.
49. By looking at you, people must not know you listen to metal.
50. Metalheads are so unpopular.
51. Have brutal and unoriginal band names such as Dance Club Massacre, Annotations of an Autopsy or I Killed the Prom Queen.
52. You're only touring because the tour promoter want to make some money.
53. Old School Stuff sucks.
54. Insult emos.
55. Even though you're probably one.
56. Convince people to lower their pants and cut their hairs.
57. But do it over the internet.
58. Or else people are going to call you p***y.
59. But people will also call you p***y on the internet, see rule #7.
60. You must at least have an emo, a gangster and a bald guy with stretch earrings in your band.
61. Teacher-looking guys are also accepted.
62. You're a slave to trends.
63. You must encourage metal to be mainstream and popular.
64. Make heavy music but make sure to look like a f**.
65. Go at Summer Slaughter every year.
66. Have a user name similar to 'XxHrdCoreDeathStrikerxX'.
67. Say you're unique and so special and that's why there are so many haters
68. But in fact, you look like most of the kids around you.
69. Wear a cap.
70. When hardcore dancing at a show, make sure not to hit anyone but keep kicking and punching the wind.
71. You will be socially accepted.
72. You won't be alone, there might be 3 or 4 other ninjas fighting with you.
73. Haircuts are metal.
74. You do not own any of your CDs.
75. Who needs CDs when you have LimeWire.
77. Oh, and never mosh/hardcore dance during a non-breakdown part!
78. You have a blog.
79. You have a Youtube video of you trying to pig squeal over your favourite song.
80. Why bother trying to finish your song with another great part?
81. Just put a breakdown.
82. Kids love them.
83. And they sure are easy to make.
84. You never run out of breakdowns.
85. Because they all sounds the same.
86. And are catchy.
87. But in fact are weak and unoriginal.
88. And the fact that you have blast beats in your song will make it good and compensate for your cheap breakdowns.
89. Remember, hate emos.
90. They are so uncool.
91. You are cool because you wear a cap, see rule #69.
92. Steal riffs from other bands.
93. Cover nü metal songs.
94. Make grammatical errors in your lyrics.
95. Do not EVER print a T-shirt with something on the back.
96. EVER!
97. It's forbidden.
76. I forgot rule #76 so here it is.
98. Be gay.
99. Don't cry, you're a big boy now.
100. I now realise that rule #95 contradict with rule #47.
101. Whine about the above on the comment space.

1. Follow the rules of Death Metal
2. Death Metallers need to have really long hair (maybe down to their ankles) or no hair at all but a long beard
3. Always add a couple of blood stains in your band logo
4. Don't you ever write satanic lyrics unless you are Glen Benton
5. Be Glen Benton
6. Use the word "Skull" instead of "School" to be brutal
7. Hate subgenres, there's nothing more than "Old School Death Metal" period
8. Always claim to be Old School, even if you don't know who Xecutioner were
9. You hate the fact that people say "Death" created the genre
10. If you have an Arch Enemy record always say the following: "They suck, but Angela Gossow is sooo hot"
11. You already sold your "In Flames" albums along with everything that it's not "Old School"
12. Try to look really pissed in photos
13. Always look at the camera, but your face must be pointing upwards or downwards
14. Be GROOOOOOOWL
15. Use the word Growl a lot
16. Tell people you lived to see the "Tape Trading" days even when you're only 15 years old
17. Use a lot…and I mean a freaking lot of Breakdowns in your music
18. Always copy the riffs of someone else
19. Jump whenever you hear the main riff of "Hammer Smashed Face"
20. Hide your Cannibal Corpse albums from your mom
21. Always end the name of your band with the postfix "Ation" (Suffocation, Immolation, Incantation, Tribulation, etc.)
22. If you can't think of any name with "Ation" replace it with "Ment" (Enthrallment, Dismemberment, Abolishment, Cadaverment, etc.)
23. Ok, let's say you still can't think of any name…there's still "Ence" for you (Abhorrence, Vehemence, Benevolence, Decadence, etc.)
24. Chances are you'll end up naming your band Disgorge anyway…
25. Fart a lot
26. Burp a lot
27. Don't have a girlfriend
28. If you have a girlfriend Burp and Fart on her nose…
29. You were a member of Death
30. People say you are(were) a member of Brujeria
31. Make sure to bring your meathook for a sodomy night
32. Be extremely GROOOOOOWL
33. End a phrase with GROOOOOOOWL
34. Don't you ever…EVER…listen to Melodeath
35. Hate Melodeath by any means
36. Melodeath is totally gay
37. You have "Heartwork" in you CD collection
38. "Heartwork" was the first Melodeath album ever released
39. Therefore you're gay
40. Then you seriously hate Swedish Death Metal…
41. Swedish Metal is totally gay
42. You have the entire Unleashed collection
43. Unleashed is a Swedish Death Band
44. Therefore you're gay
45. You still hate bands like Dark Tranquility and In Flames
46. That doesn't mean you're not gay
47. You have the amazing capability of contradicting yourself
48. Always go to concerts and leave with blood in your face
49. The blood must be of someone else's nose
50. Mosh till your arms fall out from your body
51. Mosh until your legs break in half
52. TorsoMOSH!!!
53. Erik Rutan mastered your record
54. In Death Metal orgasms always come with pain instead of pleasure
55. Hate everything that is not Death Metal
56. Hate everything that is not GROWL
57. You were never a kid
58. You were born an adult
59. Have no sense of humor
60. Pee outside the can
61. Eat nothing but read meat and things that make your body fat
62. Be fat
63. Try to be extremely fat
64. If you're not fat you are Trey Azagthoth
65. Tell a cartoonist to draw your album cover
66. Tell him you want a lot of blood and sex in it
67. Always use a lot of naked chicks in your covers
68. Those naked chicks are obviously cadavers
69. Sodomize the cadavers found in your artwork
70. Dismember the cadavers in your artwork that you already sodomized
71. Have sex with the remaining parts
72. You have to be seriously sick in the head to be a Death Metaller
73. If you don't have naked chicks available, use anything that looks like pulp for your album cover
74. The good trick comes when you use pulpified fruits that look kind of Gore
75. Name your songs after diseases that don't even exist.
76. Try to use "Semen" a lot when writing lyrics
77. "Flesh", "Skin", "Bowels" and words that sound creepy are so Brutal
78. Hate Black Metal
79. You only use Black Metal words (like "Necro" wink to name your band
80. You only like Philip Anselmo for being a member of "Necrophagia"
81. You maybe still respect Thrash Metal bands like Pantera and Metallica
82. Pantera used to be Glam Metal and Metallica released a Nu-Metal album
83. Therefore you're gay
84. There's no way possible for you to escape gayness
85. You don't use a Bass for layers or synchronization, you use it to make your music illegible and Gore
86. You can poo in public places
87. Never say "poo" always go with "Feces"
88. Faeces are so Br00Tall
89. For you Carcass died after "Necroticism…"
90. Always use fake blood at a concert
91. It's not Brutal, it's Br00Tall
92. Blast Beats are our friends
93. Remember to play as fast as Diarrhea
94. Hate trees, trolls, wolves, and non-Br00tall things, they're gay
95. Love guts, blood, cannibals, murder, and GROWL things, they're still gay but GROWL
96. Be Gore enough to scare kids and moms
97. Keep your Gore level down for your friends, you're still a social being
98. Download tons of porn
99. Say Hostel and SAW III were mild movies even though you almost puked in the theatre
100. Don't talk…Growl
101. Make sure you're dumb and loser enough to write 101 rules for Death Metal, in other cases, be dumb and loser enough to read 101 stupid phrases about Death Metal.

1. Don't be gay.
2. Be "true".
3. All people who aren't "true" are gay.
4. Be grim.
5. Be necro.
6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
7. Break things while being grim and necro.
8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
11. ...Listen to Peccatum.
12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.
13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you mean "burn".
14. Don't be Dani Filth.
15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G slams, man."
16. Don't be Dani Filth.
17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.
18. Run for it!
19. Sodomize a virgin whore.
20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its release... so it becomes 'cult'.
22. When in doubt, say "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"
23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.
24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
25. n****e twisting is not a blackmetal activity..
26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true" blackmetallers.
27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than 15 adjectives in the title.
29. a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like troll.
30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.
32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.
33. Don't make jokes.
34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.
35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.
36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".
37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are "session" members.
38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have your "cult" LP won't get it.
39. Never play live.
40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look at you.
41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both "necro" and "grim".)
42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case, make sure that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal is.
43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".
44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to produce commercial success.
45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less wouldn't be "true".
46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.
47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects as "session" musicians.
48. Record everything in the same studio with the same producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the word "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.
52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still sound the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.
53. Never say "friggin".
54. Never finish anything you start.
55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting someone "true".
56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal Hails".
57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".
59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.
60. Accept every interview you're offered...then pretend that you really don't enjoy being interviewed.
61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to suck the Dark Lord's greasy @#%$ at any time.
64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy @#%$" whenever possible.
65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it's the middle of the @#%$ day, and instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule 1)
666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house is not "pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her face like a shotgun when she turns around).
68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smily: -(
69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it! Amatuers...
70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore 'true'.
73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)
74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".
75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hymns are influenced by the mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"
76. @#%$, I'm talking to myself again.
77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
78. That's better, on with the interview!
80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also "clouded frost spire" wink
81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.
82. Stick your d**k in the mashed potatoes.
83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.
84. Don't make references.
85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".
88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.
89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
95. Own cult-as-@#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven't even heard.
96. Use the phrase "cult-as-@#%$" whenever possible.
97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "@#%$" during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)
98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish.)
99. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.
100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick up that makeup and fight, soldier!
101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could've have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!