...your eyes, they're so cold. So bitter blue, boring balefully, shamelessly into mine. I can tell your mad by the way your glaring at me. Sometimes, your eyes look like your fathers when your angry enough, the way they narrow and accompany your hurt smirk. Sometimes, i must admit, it scares me to look into them. Especially when there's a smile with it.. It makes my eyes turn away to the wall, or the floor. Like as if i actually expect you to hurt me, but you wouldn't do that, right Nick? At least not physically... I can feel my eyes burning now, i can feel them threatening to burn up right into tears and drip down my cheeks, but not yet. That's weak to a big bad player. It makes me look like another hormonal girl...Which i am, but i don't want to appear as one. I want to impress you.. I want to make sure you think I'm actually worth your time, but I'm not. I haven't ever been. Especially not now. Now that Chris wanted me, it's not even, the price of the chase and the price of what i give you. Right? I know all you want from me is to get laid-- and I'm finally willing to give that to you, if you let me clarify all these weird actions right now. Clarify why this hurts so much...
" I-...I'm sorry. I just cant do this anymore Nick. I cant. It was okay when you were the only thing i had to worry about, but that's not the case anymore. You scare me so much.. The only people that could destroy me even slightly to the equal amount is my family...and... and I may get bruises from Chris, but it's normal. It's consistent. You just confuse me... I mean, he hits me, and it hurts, but i know what he's going to do every day... and... i just cant do it anymore... I understand what you want..and I'll give it to you if you stop messing around with my head-- the poor things going to explode any day now"
I look down again, like i do every time I'm sad, but this time my eyes stop burning. It's because I'm crying, i think. Yes, crying. The tears are slipping off my now red ( from embarrassment of course) cheeks. Can you tell I'm frustrated and hurt, that I'm pouring my feelings out there. Nick, you could hurt me now.. I'm trying to be honest with you, so could you be honest with me this time? I would appreciate it...If you had any love for me at all. You would tell me now right? When i asked it of you?
" and... and there was a time i was in love with you-- when we were 16, but then what happened happened.. and i left. The reason you scare me so much is because i can feel the attachment happening again, that stupid thing that keeps getting in the way for us having a healthy friendship, or whatever we are. So if i hate you, i wont get hurt again... It would be okay if things weren't so confusing... "
...So I'm repeating things now, i bet it sounds idiotic. I bet your probably laughing at me inwardly. Me, basically bawling my eyes out without the noise. It's embarrassing.. You could probably tell because the heat left my eyes, and developed into my cheeks again. It's blurring my vision, blurring everything i know as vision. The burns are coming in different places now, like my heart and stomach. Not only a scalding hot, but a heavy feeling as well. I want to run away right now, but that's only one half of desire. the other is begging to stay and see what the response for this sudden outburst is. Both ways are tearing, and making me feel even a little bit more miserable.
" So... For both of our sanity...could you please tell me the truth...After that i swear i''ll stop being so annoying and..well..annoying, and I'll leave and i wont come back and drop tutoring.. That's all i ask for, one truth to clear everything up.."
I don't think.. I've even been this un-confident before. This was the first time my shoulders slumped and my head hung low, like a beaten dog. I want to know if you enjoy holding that club, or if it's purely by accident. Both green eyes, mine, hit my feet for one last moment.
I think I'm done talking now...
· Thu Sep 23, 2010 @ 01:26am · 0 Comments