The Plantation.
I-Queen-I
Community Member
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Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 @ 04:10pm
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Posted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 @ 11:57pm
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I know what it is to be mad; I'll die before I get there.
With one word, I'd take this pain from you
But I fall mute.
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I think I'm losing it.
To say the least.
It's becoming progressively harder and harder to sleep, to focus, to even be alone for more than a moment.
There's something there, I feel it.
It's everywhere all at once, and waiting, hungry.
Or maybe angry.
I'm afraid of the dark again, way worse than before.
It's at the point that I don't want to close my eyes to be asleep unless it's during the daylight.
It's going to get to the point that I can't stand to be alone in artificial darkness, either.
I feel like...
It's just, a thing.
The dark.
Is alive.
The corners in the room are evil.
The closets are evil.
My shadow is evil.
Am I hallucinating?
Today, even though I was surrounded by people, I felt it again.
It was only a problem when I was alone but now it's stalking me when I'm under the (once) safe watch of humanity.
It's overwhelming.
I wake up all the time in the night because I feel like I'm screaming.
I hear something screaming, or roaring.
But it isn't me.
In fact, there is no sound.
There's nothing, just the dark engulfing me like the belly of a beast.
That's what it is, a beast.
A creature, a stalker, a monster.
This lacks real structure but I don't really care, I want to get it out.
Maybe if I get it out, the fear will follow it.
I could lock it away in this screen.
Or it could reach out..
I hate this.
I'm constantly looking over my shoulder, behind me, turning around, everything.
When I got off of the bus I suddenly felt like I was not alone, aside from the kids.
We parted ways and I still felt it.
The wind wasn't blowing and it stopped raining for a few minutes and I was completely surrounded and terrified and a whole street away from my house.
I heard something in my ear, I didn't have my music playing and no one was outside.
It was like a breath.
Short, raspy, like a gasp.
And then a sigh.
It sounded too close to be something from a house, I don't know, no, I don't care to know, what it was.
I don't want to know I don't want to see I don't want to ever find out.
I want to stop panicking.
I can't, everything is scary.
Everything is evil and it casts a shadow that reaches out for me to suck me into the perilous void that is pure terror.
The walls seep with darkness and no one else sees it.
Hell, I bet it isn't there.
The beasts climb out of the walls as slowly and oozingly as a liquid, and they stand, towering.
They smash through ceilings and crack the floor under their weight.
Their roar shatters windows, their claws rend walls to ribbons.
But they don't, because they aren't there.
It's just a wall and I was daydreaming again.
I hope.
I walked down the catwalk and I heard something like a thousand cries, screams, and impacting bodies but there was nothing, no one.
The bell hadn't rung and I was the only one there, going to lunch.
Is it sleep deprivation?
Is it medicine?
I know Acetaminophen doesn't cause hallucinations.
There was no mention of hallucinations from my antibiotics.
Is it every grief I know manifesting itself into something worse?
Every night it gets worse and Alonzo gets more and more mad.
I'm drifting off into nap-land now but it's almost too late and it will be dark outside and the natural darkness will creep into my house like a mist that will slowly, deliberately crawl up, surround, and suffocate me.
I want to be the fastest thing on Earth (i.e., Jet the Hawk) so I can outrun the night.
I'm so tired, but I'm so scared.
Sleep is eventually going to seduce me into her malicious vice.
And what will happen, will I dream?
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I-Queen-I
Community Member
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