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Every single time I log on here, it gets more and more depressing.
I mean, PM's provided by Verizon? What the ********. Gaia has turned into something cold and disgusting. Just like I saw it turning into in '05. I really used to love this place. I had some good times here, but now? Lanzer, you ******** whore.
I almost don't want to surf the pages anymore, but I suppose something has to pay for Lanzer's new ******** BMW.
******** you, Lanzer. ******** you.
 Bob the Checkout Guy · Sat Apr 11, 2009 @ 01:13am · 0 Comments |
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Another grey Day, Void.
Actually, today was pretty good. I woke up late, ate some fruit loops, took a long bath, and accidently cut myself while shaving. Kinda strange, it was, because of the way that the blood kept flowing and flowing, yet it was such a small, small cut. I've never been much of a bleeder. Trust me, when I want to bleed (like when I need my own blood for art- don't ask, Void. Like you ever do) I can't, yet when I'm wearing my pure white suits, there it goes, frickin' Old Faithful pumping as hard as she can... They call that Irony, don't they? Or do they. I don't know.
My counselor (trust me, I need the mental help, that I do) told me to focus on my emotions, on what I'm feeling, because it seems that I've lost what I know. I thought a lot on that today, while the sky sprinkled us, and the plants breathed. And I realized that... I didn't realize anything. I'm still a fool- fools learn by their own mistakes, through experience. Wise men are supposed to learn by what other people do. Does it make sense? no, we live in a dada world. We bought videogames today at Rhino, the used videogame store. I wanted to get something for my super nintendo (on loan from a small cousin of mine- he only likes new games.) but I couldn't find anything that I wanted. So we bought games for everything else.
Yet I still don't know how to feel. Not really. Am I supposed to have a feeling about every little thing? Or am I supposed to feel so unattached, so distant from everyone and everything? Probably it's supposed to be some kind of freakin' weird balance. Everything in life is about balance. Like I care.
Yet... I'm still so far away, and I don't know where I'm going. Where am I going?
Tell me, Void, and I'll love you forever.
Bob the Checkout Guy · Sun Sep 03, 2006 @ 01:47am · 0 Comments |
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Hey void. I'm back again. *now with pictures! |
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Here's me with a beer.
Here's me with an Evil Dead comic book (I love evil dead.)
And here's me with... Well... Me. I couldn't think of anything else to pose with. Maybe the ocean in the background. You will notices how the light focuses on tiny pimples and inequalities on my skin. So I'm not photogenic. What the Hell.
And I don't wear skull shirts all the time. I'm not a goth. It's just a really comfortable shirt.
Anyway, it's been a long time, eh, dear Void (and Sylver, if you still read.)
Gaia's changed a bit, and so have I. I seem to have "progressed" in the psychological sense of the term. Producing a comic under teh influence of mood-altering drugs, yeah, that sounds real good, but it's true. I have been prescribed a mood stabilzer due to my manic depressive tendencies (minus the manic,of course) and it seems to be working well. I've actually dropped some weight, which is strange considering the nature of my treatment. Usually people gain weight on this type of medication.
Feh. Lucky sometimes!
But at least I'm happier. I'm not sure about being happy. It's a new thing, and humans are instinctively shy of new things. Sometimes, I can see with much greater clarity, come back to life, if you will (heh.) and others, it seems to obscure my vision with a langourous fog. It's very hard to write when consumed by that fog, which is why I'm writing this on the edge of my dosage ( have to take some after this) when the fog seems thinnest. It's fairly amusing, if I'm allowed to admit it. When I first took this medication, I was amazed at my energy, amazed that normal people don't have night's razor edge pushing in on them every second of every day. I'm the camel who carried his burden and had no idea of what it was. Then when it was lifted, I ran around for days like I was on crack. I'm not sure if someone who has not been deppressed for long stretches of time, then suddenly had it lifted can even understand this feeling.
And I can begin to see, not some divine, perfect vision, but a place, at least, that I can make for myself.
Mom, I'm going to be a cartoonist.
(trust me, it's a hard confession to make.)
Bob the Checkout Guy · Sun Jul 09, 2006 @ 01:38am · 0 Comments |
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My GOD, what do they want from us?
Have you ever failed at something you once loved, only to realize that you don't CARE? It's so strange. I used to love school, I failed at that. I love music and painting, but I'm only mediocre at best. I love writing. Writing hasn't failed me, I can't fail at it. But it's the only thing that I have left.
Gaia, a forum for people to meet, exchange ideas, debate, and otherwise escape from the mundane quandary they call existence. I think I'm failing at that. Can anybody else not see the color leaving my skin? Or am I the only one that knows the truth, that dying inside is necessary to see the world outside in a proper, un-softened way.
Yes, I can admit my shortcomings. I can admit my flaws, I can admit what is so sick and wrong about my hypocritical existence, about what is sick and wrong and hypocritical about this very writing. After all, if it's a personal thing, how on Earth, why even, do I want to explain. I don't know the questions to ask anymore. I reached the end of my rope a hell of a long time ago, and found out that, after you've given up, you still have to live your life.
But I can admit all that is good. I am honest, and can help people, on a personal, even on an impersonal level. I love unconditionally, even though I feel that the term is possibly incorrect for the feeling. The world may be falling apart, but I know that when it comes down to it, I can at least control me.
This is all I have, aside from the occasional scrape of my foot on the frozen bottom of the river, the wide, never-ending river.
And what if it does end?
What shall we do then?
I'm silly, stupid. This is why no one reads my blogs.
Bob the Checkout Guy · Thu Mar 23, 2006 @ 01:16am · 1 Comments |
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"School has the right to suspend you for things that you do outside of school"
Know what? I'm not even going to go after this one. ******** your name is, you are officially the ******** of the Day.
Be proud.
Bob the Checkout Guy · Fri Jan 06, 2006 @ 10:29pm · 0 Comments |
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Oh my God. I am amused in the highest. And slightly ashamed of the entire male persuasion at the moment.
Why, My dear Void, Sylver, and Danny (and whoeverelse) this particularly good specimen of ******** is of the notion that men change the world more than women, only because the important figures that HE knows are all men. Well, if you did some deep research, you would find that, despite the oppression, women are often MORE intellectual than men. And I have to take a shower. So I leave you with this short note. Will edit later.
Bob the Checkout Guy · Mon Dec 26, 2005 @ 03:46pm · 0 Comments |
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Here we are again, kiddies, an new edition of FTOD! Yay! |
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God, I never cease to be amused by the wash of human waste that is continually thrust up upon me. THIS person hates dogs.
God, that HAS to be the weakest excuse of FTOD I have EVER used. But, hey, you don't like a slut, you don't like her.
How could you hate dogs? and pit-bulls especially!
Ah, well, I'll register me shock and horror later, neh? Why? Because, I have been ranting on about a girl that hates DOGS for cripes sake. I should win the Who Gives a Damn award, the way I'm going.
That's really the problem with pretending to be cynical(I've been thinking again) as you can always turn it back on yourself if you really get it. I'm a hyppocrite- I am a human being, and I hate human beings, on principle because on principle I have no principles. (Stole that from Mr. Tr. Tzara. ) Make sense? I hope not. I've been more myself recently than I have in a long, long time, but I'm still not on color. I don't think I ever really will be, but at least I am not physically ill for Christmas (******** the non-denominational "holidays" s**t. I celebrate Christmas, and if you are offended by it, so what? I let you say "Happy Channukah" to me, and I'm not the least bit offended.Can't I have the same respect?) We're actually doing quite well this year. It's why I haven't been on Gaia in the longest time, I think, because I've actually had a life. Though, my documentery hasn't worked out so well. I still want to make it, though maybe another time.
Hnn. What else can I possibly b***h about?
I'm feeling the waves over me. Life isn't quite good, but that's what makes it so wonderful. I can't see through to colored water, but the stain in itself is beautiful and dark. A ray occasionally peirces the surface, and inside, I am all but calm.
mrgreen
It's been a good day.
Bob the Checkout Guy · Thu Dec 22, 2005 @ 02:59am · 0 Comments |
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