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The World XXI - the World - Soul. Everything. Completeness, understanding, trust, perfection, achievement, love. Fullness, Saturation. Lack of space for other things. Everything in the right place. I pulled this card for a touchstone spread, and now i'm just more confused. what could it mean? does it mean i should love? does it mean i shouldnt? do i need more balance in my universe? the image.... a smaller woman, with long brown hair is holding a green glode with an eye inside. she wears a red kimono decorated with orange flowers. She, in turn, in held by a taller man, with longish brown hair, and he helps her hold the globe. he stands behind her, and behind them the background is yellow, with pink heart shaped flowers buds on a plant. the colours are all balanced, as in the universe, and they world together to hold the globe. i'm kind of scared of what this could mean. in tarot, first assumptions are always wrong, but the cards won't ever not mean anything.
MissingInAction · Fri Feb 02, 2007 @ 02:48am · 0 Comments |
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Well THIS was an adventure, let me tell you! You may or not have been aware, but i had a CT scan scheduled this morning, for 10 am... if you didnt and only saw me freaking out in the halls on tuesday, this may explain why to you. I have been pretty nervous for this, mostly because i dont have a lot of experience in hospitals, and the words CT scan bring up a few bad memories...
when i was in grade 5, my mom got very sick, an inner ear infection or something. She had a CT scan, and afterwards claimed it did nothing to help, and served only to make things worse. So, this first off has me doubting the whole procedure. But, i wikipedia-ed it, and found a few interesting things that calmed me down... for example, the ct scan is one of the beatles' greatest legacies, since it was extra funds from their record sales that funded the research for the development of the machine and procedure. oh, and a cat scan and CT scan are the same thing, so no more confusion over that.
anyways, where was i? right, cat scan... well, i needed one for them to figure out what is wrong with me. for the past four weeks now, i have been havign stomach problems. i get sick when i eat. like, it feels a cross of cramps and nausea, though i never throw up. the foods that make me sick-er so far have been: slurpees, holupti, chicken, chinese food (even with no msg!), fruit, coffee (nuuuuuu!) or anything else in excess. it's becomign a problem, so when i complained to my mom, she made a doctor's appointment, i went to get checked out, then i had a blood test.
so, now it's been four weeks, no changes on the front. as you can imagine, i'm getting pretty worried that there might be something seriosuly wrong. so, i got the call on tuesday during a class change that the st. b's hospital could have me in for a CT scan on thursday, but i needed another blood test. Now, i was worried it was something serious, cause i'm not sure i'd need a ct scan unless something was WRONG. so, i dragged katie to the clinic for another blood test with me (thanks again for coming with me, it helped alot) and then all iu had ot do was wait.
i've talked to a few people since then, and laura has me mostly convinced that it's medicare covering their asses. a 'just in case' thing. and it really is a blessing that i live with such technology at my disposal, and for free. in any other country i'd just have to suck it up and take it like a man. anyways... so, this morning, i got up, showered, and headed off to st. b's for my scan... i brought a new book with me to read int he waiting room. i got there, found my way to the place, and chacked in. i talked to the front desk people, they got my info and then... direct me to the changing room.
that's right. yours truly was stuck in one of those flimsy hospital gowns. but, it wasnt so bad. it ame down past my knees, and there was a thin robe that i wore to cover the back, so i wasnt naked in public, thank god. so, i headed to the ct scan waiting area, pulled out my book, filled out some forms, and waited. they gave me this... well, i thought it was water, but the taste.... i'm not sure quite what it was, but it tasted like metal, and left a nasty after taste. i had to drink two cups of the stuff, to help with the dye they would be putting in my blood. (i think that is what it was for).
so then, i was taken to this other area, and they stuck me with a needle. again! i think i've been stuck with more pointy needles in the last two months than i have in my entire life! they just injected what i assume was the bad tasting mock water into me. but, the mock water was for oral injestion, and this was for intravenous consumption. so, i guess it's different, somehow. : but, they kept the needles in my arm, attached to a little vial of this stuff. and i had ot have it sit there for 45 minutes. so, i read my new book, my arm getting increasingly sore, and still trying to drink the horrible iron water. oh, fyi: the iron water makes me sicker than slurpees.
so, after waiting for fortyfive minutes, i got taken into the ct room, and i had to lie on the bed/table thing. now, here comes the weird part. they moved the bed/table into the machine (they were scanning my abdomen) and then they put the dye into my system. to get a more accurate scan, they say. it dyes my blood... brightly? i'm not quite sure, but whatever it was it was WEIRD.
i first felt it in my partially numb right arm (the one with the needles). it hurt like a b***h when it first got shot in, cause the vein was expanding (veins arent supposed ot expand. arteries are, so that why it hurt) and then my hand got really hot. then it seeped up my arm, in my chest and into my abdomen. i felt a slight headache, and my temperature seemed to be rising until i could feel it all over my body. and here is the starnge part, it felt like i was pissing. not even kidding. if they hadnt warned me that it would feel like that i would have been convinced i had just wet myself. it was really weird. the heat in my body passed after half a minute or so, whiel the machine was humming and vrring and telling me to 'breathe in... hold you breath......... breathe'. after about 10 minutes the actual scan was done, and the lady said i was free to go, and i took that and ran with it.
i went back to the area, changed into my clothes, stuffed the gown into the laundry hamper they had, and my mom drove me home for the rest of the day. i still feel really weird. when they put the dye in me, and for the minute it was liek nothing i'd ever felt before. hotter than any fever, and genuinely painful, but not so bad i couldnt handle it. i knew it would pass in a minute, so i hung on and stuck it out like a man.
overall, i feel really off right now, and glad to be away from the hospital. and who knows? maybe i'll finally figure out what;s wrong with me. and i've officially done a weigh in.... i've lost almost 10lbs since this set in... it's kind of making me nervous....
MissingInAction · Thu Jan 18, 2007 @ 07:46pm · 0 Comments |
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Well, this story takes place monday. Yesterday razz It started around lunch... all i had wanted was for one person to come to new york fries for poutine with me, and somehow i ended up with an entourage of Miller, Toews and Alex. So, while at the mall, Alex somehow talked me into coming with him and Toews to give blood (the school was doign a blood drive), and jesse was signed up before he realized what it was. So, we cauhght the lifebus to the donation clinic around 1:30 and... Wait, no, forget all that. This story actually starts when i was five, and got my kindergarten shot. The student docter we went to (probably to save money) did some sort of really shitty job, and i couldn't move my arm for two weeks. And what do they tell you about stuff that happens in your childhood? right, morphs into a phobia (ever wonder why i'm afraid of spiders? raquel let loose one in my bed when i was 6, and told me it was gonna have a family in my bedsheets and live in my head). Anyways, where was I? Right, the lifebus. Well, before we had caught he lifebus, Jesse, Toews and Alex were telling horror stories about needles, so i was getting pretty nervous. the only reason I went ahead with it was because I was promised i could chicken out at the last minute. So, we were on the lifebus, got to the donation clinic, checked in, blah-dee-blah-blah. So, then we had to get our finger pricked by this little tick-y machine thing. I dont care what anyone says, that thing hurt like a b***h. And since they said it was nothing, I started thinking of how much worse the Iv would be. So then since I had enough iron in my blood or whatever (that's what the finger p***k was for. To get a tiny sample) They gave me a pamphlet to read through and questions to check 'yes' or 'no' to (I was so tempted to lie and say I had had sex with a man who had sex with another man since 1977). And then I got bad. I was waiting to go int he room for a personal questionnaire. And i was near freaking out, getting really nervous. As I may have mentioned before, I'm terrified of needles. And the waiting was so bad. I was wrinign my hands, jiggling my leg and then like. And then i was called into the small room and asked some quations, and i had to finally choose whether I was going to donate or not. I could still chicken out at the last minute, but the choice I had to make was whether they would use my blood or not. After some careful thinking, I chose 'Yes'. I decided then and there I wouldnt chicken out, because if I was going to go through with it, they'd use my blood alright! So then i went to the open area and waited to be hooked up. Still really nervous, they led me to a chair, and while I was distracting myself by talking about miriwa and an RH factor (I took bio smile ) the slipped the Iv into me. and yes, i DID notice when, I wasn't that distracted. I DID feel it, and yes it hurt. But it was less painful than that goddamn 'pin p***k'. It was slowly and carefully done. So, I chatted with Toews, Miller and Katie, who were all stuck at the same time I was, and it weasn't that bad. But I was second last and didn't get very much time after i was unhooked and -1 pint of blood and when the lifebus was leaving,s o i barely got my donut and juice. I was pretty hungry too. But, jesse accidently said something that made those nurses react. They popped out of nowhere, ninja style, and popped him back into the recliner chair thing, put wet clothes on his head and stuff, and made him drink juice. It was hilarious, and I'm not sure whether it's because i was a bit lightheaded or that I was so relieved, it seemed to be the best thing in the world. I laughed for so long, and he looked so flustered. So after that was done, we got back onto the lifebus, and went back to school (even though it had been over for an hour) and i walked strait home, changed and then went to work. Worst. shift. Ever. I was ready to kill everyone and was almost crying in the back when tables kept coming in. I was so exhausted, sicne i'd had a donut and half a wonton soup after losing all that blood. But, I've now saved up to three lives (according to the poster) and I'm not sure I'm such a waste of space anymore, so that was good. I've also conquered my fear of needles, so that's good too. Overall, it was an afternoon worth blogging, and it was nice to go and do something good with a group of friends. But now I'm completely exhausted, and was at school today too. Hopefully i'll be better soon.
MissingInAction · Thu Dec 07, 2006 @ 02:25am · 0 Comments |
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Someone once told me (or i once read somewhere) that 'if only' were the two saddest words int he english language. Used in conjunction, they express deep regret of things undone, unsaid and left behind. They speak of a sadness so great... a sadness that can never be changed... they create the idea of whistuflly longing for something that can never be, because no matter how hard we try, we can never change the past. I am human, and with it comes my many regrets. My linear concept of time limits me. I wish i could go back, grab that last oppourtunity and maybe things would have turned out better. I wish, i wish, If only... Such sad, regretful, whistful wods. I've been really feeling a part of the void. Part of everything, and in taht, part of nothing. If I weren't here, there would be someone else here, taking my place. In the void, one is all, and one is nothing. If I weren't part of the horde, it would still be there. It is always there, has always been, and will always be. I regret the distance I put between myself and everyone else. Maybe if I could really create a bond with someone, I'd be a better person. But then, the fear of really opening up, and really getting hurt comes back. And I sink back into my isolated little box, put my earphones on, and live. Life in a box is better than no life at all, right? People say to live without regrets, because you wouldn't be the person you are today if things had been different. Maybe things would be better that way, if I was different. If I were gone. I wish things were different, and I hadn't muddled things the way I did. With laura especially. Sometimes I feel like I'm keeping you distant too. I'm really sorry for that too. If I ever pushed you away, it was because of my own insecurities. And yes, that's selfish, but what would be more selfish? Pulling you in so deep I ******** you up with my mind, or keep you somewhat distant, like everyone else, and deal with things on my own? I've always been sort of independant and alone, and when people come in, and try and help, i can't help but feel smothered. When we first met, we sort of both needed a bit of distance I think. I think that's why we get along. We're the same beneath it all. but can that really be healthy? And here I am, trying to make new friends too, and I don't want you to feel like I'm leaving you behind. I'm not. I'm trying so haqrd not too, and I hope you're not leaving me behind too. I don't understand a lot of things (myself most of all; The more I learn about myself, the more I see that needs to be known). I don't understand how people can push others away because of insecurities. To me, that is the most selfish. No one should be able to price themselves, they will always undersell themselves, and deem themself 'unworthy' and leave you behind, 'Foy your own good'. It drives me crazy, and hurts like a b***h, and then I flip, and find I've been doing that my whole life. I'm such a hypocrite. Oh, and if this sounds Emo to any of you? Call me emo then. Call me whatever you want, say whatever you want, think whatever you want. I'm done with you.
MissingInAction · Mon Dec 04, 2006 @ 05:14am · 0 Comments |
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Now, a lot of people question my beliefs… and with good reason, they are indeed convoluted, and I only half understand what they are. I just know what I believe and don’t. We’ll start with love… now, you may or may not have heard me going on and on about how I don’t believe in love and eternity and all that jazz… which is true, to a point. But, I’ve discovered, it’s impossible to live in this world, and fervently deny it’s existence. It’s like being an atheist, but you’re surrounded by believers ALL DAY who talk about it all the time. I’ve never had so much sympathy.
And I do talk to people all the time, claiming they’re in love, and they’re my friends. I can’t openly declare ‘well, you’re not in love’ because they aren’t my feelings, I really don’t know. I just don’t believe that I am capable of love, or ever really achieving true happiness. It’s like communism; I love (there’s that word again) the concept, on paper, and in theory, but I can’t o it. It is too idealistic.
Same with love. It’s supposed to be perfect and pure and happy… I don’t think humans and myself specifically are capable of that.
This is my definition of love; an emotion so pure and true, that humans can rarely grasp it. And if, on the off chance they do somehow manage to wrap their fingers around it, perish immediately, as to not blemish it’s beauty.
Something to always chase and never catch, seems to me a bit like the long defeat in the lord of the rings… they keep going not because they will survive, or because they will defeat evil forever, the keep going because it’s the right thing to do. Even though humans will never truly love or become eternal, they always chase it… because they know no other way. There is no overcoming evil, there is only resisting it.
And here is where I fall in… I have thought this topic through time and time again before coming to this conclusion… in many ways I am an optimist, I somehow manage to ignore the bad and go on with the good in most situations… but when you scrape down to my very core, I am a pessimist. When things are going well for me, I expect them to fall apart at any given moment… and I’m always afraid that I’ll be the cause. I don’t think I will ever really achieve true happiness, or true love… also because, I’m not sure there is one fundamental truth.
I’m not sure of a lot of things, but this is just me trying to make sense of the world around me, and get people to stop asking me these sorts of annoying questions when I say ‘I’m not in love… I don’t believe in it’ and then they ask ‘how can you say that?’
Well, this is how I can say, that I, Mia Douchant, being of sound mind and body, on this day November the seventh of the year two thousand and six… do not believe and cannot begin to understand the concept you humans call love.
MissingInAction · Wed Nov 08, 2006 @ 02:10am · 0 Comments |
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As many people may or may not be aware, i have been having problems sleeping lately. I'm tired all day, and then, the clock hits 10, and I'm wide awake. And, when I am finally getting tired around 2, I go to bed, and i still can't sleep for sometimes up to four hours. I just lie there tossing and turning, staring into space.
At first i thought this problem was brought about by school ending. Like, i got off from school, and my bopdy clock was shot to hell. During exam week and afterward, I didnt eat. I was trying to cut back on chinese food, as well as stress from exams. So, at first, I thought that was why. When you're eating schedule changes erratically, that will sometimes effect your sleeping habits. Well, i'm now two weeks into a much better (stil very erractic) eatin schedule, and the problems persists.
Then, I thought it was waking up late. Like, I'd stay up until 4 am (not of my own will) and sleep til 1, and i figured, well that why! I mean, I was slowly turning nocturnal, and since I work an evening job, that's fine. But, still not healthy. So, I resolved to start waking up before noon, and as the weeks go by, slowly increase that. In the peak of summer, i hope to be waking around 10 every ,morning, by habit. No alarm clocks, just my body clock.
But, even though i've been waking earlier, I can't sleep at night. I have been having things that require thinking bother me lately as well. Like, people around me have me incredibly confused, I have me confused, and the stress of my sisters coming home so close together is piling up as well. And with raquel freaking out about me in her basemnt (that i've been living in while she was in europe... pauvre bébé) while her boyfriendis here. I have all these things to prepare for, people around me stressing, my hormones driving me insane, and a lot of repressed sexual tension... It's just getting to me.
Keeping this all in was another thing piling up on me. Oh, and Ai-kon is in 14 days, and i'm not done my costume, raquel's bedroom isn't finished, she's getting home on tuesday, i'm not sure i'll have enough money for both the TKD summer schedule, the promotion test, AND Ai-kon....
See, I've figured out why i've been awake to all hours of the night all by myself, and I don't think i need help (unless anyone knows how to overcome stress, other than to just wait for what it is to pass). I just.... Needed to get that out of my system.
MissingInAction · Fri Jul 07, 2006 @ 12:10am · 0 Comments |
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hmmm... nothing to report.
I dont know what to expect, dont know what to do.
Not sure if my efforts are futile, or worthwhile.
Don't know if my head is being messed with, or if I'm actually making progress.
Thought I had things sorted out, I was wrong.
I've always thought that when you solve a problem, three new ones pop up from the solution.
Like a vicious cycle.
I Was Right
Sometimes I love me. Most of the time I'm pretending.
Of course being a hormonal teenager is easy, why do you ask?
MissingInAction · Sat Jul 01, 2006 @ 06:47am · 0 Comments |
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