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This entry is the TRUE story of my Easter 2011 experience ...

{I originally posted this story in the "Zombie Jesus Day" thread ... it kinda surprised me how often people replied to the original & reposts in other threads, so I thought it might be cool to give it its own thread ... THAT kinda took off too; more replies then any other thread I ever started .. now it seems appropriate to make it a journal entry so I never forget how hurtful some words can be}

it all started w/ a post by my new friend, epicmurdock, who came up w/ the idea before the event, to call Easter Sunday ...
Zombie Jesus Day!!
Now isn't that just a too interesting way of phrasing it?

Ep had posted a thread in the Easter 2011 forums, where I ran across it & couldn't help but quote, its was just that dang funny to me! So, we quoted & chatted & tipped through her thread, bumped & found buttloads of eggs & finally decided my sacriligous, non-catholic self would irritate my Roman Catholic family at Easter dinner w/ my new fav phrase .

& I promised to let her know what happened ...

plz DON'T try this @ home

HOLA!!! my most appreciated new friend this season ... U pm'd asking 2 b updated on dinner & just HAD TO put this public ... read on ... (oh yeah, & ssssssooooooo thank you for the BEST easter crack EVER!!!)

4 u who haven't read anything b/f ... we are a ROMAN CATHOLIC family (it's pertinent)

okay, so I make sure to get my family arranged around the table so that my mother couldn't "fork me" when I popped off (she likes to poke me in the elbow when I make her mad at dinner, so I stayed away from her, but it didn't help me in the end), & I justify it by saying that "daddy gets the oldest girls, mommy gets the youngest boys, & all the families are together" (I CAN be devious like that sometimes) ... round the table, it's kinda like this:

**** sister-in-law ***brother****grl cuz ****her hubby ****their kid
my dad *******************************************************my mom
******me ********my kid1****my kid2 ****mykid3 ****kid3's kid (my grandkid)

.... so, we all get seated at the table, have prayer & my dad is carving the roast when I pop off with "Happy Zombie Jesus Day everyone! ... of course the smartasses in the family are busting a gut (to be expected) ... my stupid cousin starts shouting "oh my Lord! Oh my Lord!" & slaps her hubby who is laughing too (didn't shut her pious pompus butt up after all) BUT, in the process she snags the corner of the table cloth & a bowl of potato salad & the deviled eggs ended up on the carpet & in her lap ( hee hee hee) .

.. my mom FREAKS & starts yelling about the mess on the floor when my sister in law tries to kick ME under the table, but got my DAD instead (uh oh) ...

dad loses his balance and falls into his chair & in trying to catch himself from hitting the floor, ends up planting the carving fork in the middle of my left forearm!!!

It didn't even hurt at first cuz I was ssssooo shocked seeing it in my arm instead of in the roast where it belonged,
I reached out with my other hand & yanked it out ... BIG MISTAKE!!!!!!
cuz that then started a whole 'nother series of events I PROMISE YOU will live in my family history for generations!!!

think every gross, low-humor, slapstick comedy movie you ever saw ... can u say "surreal"?

I guess dad got a major vein cuz two perfect gouts of blood start spurting out my arm all over the roast & the dinner rolls (guess what WE never ate yesterday lol)

My mom yells to my dad to "staunch the bleeding!" & when my dad tries to clamp down on the holes in my arm it HURTS!!!!!!!! like FREAKIN!!!! HELL!!!! so I jerk away from him into kid1 & end up falling out of my chair & cracking my head on the dinner table on the way down ... the smartasses are laughing harder & I'm seeing stars now & the whole table gets really chaotic cuz seeing alll my blood causes my cuz's kid to throw up in his plate, & my grandkid followed w/ his own bout of vomitous all over my mom & his own (my kid3)... & all of a sudden there is dead silence ...

just pictue it: most of the food is ruined, three people have vomit on them (grandkid, kid3 & mom) & its spread over two plates & the lower half of the table; there's blood all over the other half of the table & another three people (me, dad, kid1), & just about everyone babbling about the food, the mess or me just stops for a second in shock of it all ... couldn't help it & I blame this big knot I now have on my head (I MUSTA BEEN DELERIOUS, I SWEAR), but the view from the ground looking up at all this?

I started LITERALLY rolling on the floor in laughter like a lunatic & set off my brother, all three of my kids & my cousin's husband again too!!!

& that's not even the best part of this whole, llllloooonnnnggg story!!

The next few hours aren't quite so interesting (or funny) cuz I had to endure about 3 hours in the emergency room listening to BOTH my parents b***h at me for ruining Easter dinner this year ...

Like I TOLD my sister-in-law to kick my dad so he'd fall down & stab me with the carving fork!!! I got everyone one to sit down at the table the way I did cuz I didn't want to get "forked" by my mom & I KNEW my sister-in-law would try to kick SOMEBODY after I said it ...

I WAS planning ahead, but I didn't figure she'd kick my DAD!!!
she was supposed to kick my BROTHER!!
(that would have been great too, cuz he's always a big wimp w/ her, & yes, we are just a sick bunch that way when we prank each other & somewhat predictable)
But blondie went after me & got my poor dad instead, & now I have a fiasco to live down

best part of ALLL?????

Ok ... so, we get final discharge instructions ... I have a nice purple Easter Egg over my left eye from the dinner table bonk, two perfectly painfully throbbing stiches from the carving fork stabbing (w/ antibiotics to stave off infection), and a neon pink plastic "half-cast" from wrist to shoulder cuz the fork ALL BUT broke the radius bone where it collided with my left forearm

the doctor had listened to the three of us tell him what/ how it happened & 3 hours of arguing about whose fault it really is I'm in the ER & nobody got dinner (& yes, my new dearest friend, I told them it was YOUR FAULT cuz you gave me the words & encouraged the idea ... didn't help though) (& he's trying hard not seem amused himself cuz my parents are so mad) ... & on our way out the door, the doc suggests that next time I'll be a little more forward thinking about the possible consquences of trying to prank my family
... NO LIE ...
I SWEAR this next part is TRUE on the bible, my grave & anything else you want me to ...

my mother turns around, glares at the doc, & with the seriousness & hatefullness of Judge Judy says ...

Or next time our Holy Lord will strike her DEAD! for being so sacriligious of the ultimate sacrifice his son, our savior made to claim her eternal soul from damnation!
(taken almost word for word from mass yesterday morning, well w/out the "he'd strike ME dead part" wink

I get to blame it on shock, the bump & the drugs, but the doctor, nurse & my DAD have NO EXCUSE!!!
we ALL busted out laughing & my mom is STILL pissy today!

Maybe you can tell I'm a "reformed" Catholic?

Mom didn't even mention trying to drag me to the priest/ confesional ... since I couldn't really help clean up the mess this morning 'cuz of the cast, I had to recite "father's" & "mary's" at the breakfast nook table ... mom did the dish washing, listening to make sure I didn't ever stop, & no one was allowed to talk to me until the cleaning got done (at least I got a couple hours relatively teasing-free cuz everyone was afraid to get caught at it by my mom, she is STILL ssssssooooo angry with me

The painkillers help it still seem pretty funny, even so, & sitting here writing this for you, my darling friend epicmurdock has saved me a few scowls & nasty comments from mom & dad ... have to endure til I fly home Wednesday, but thanks dear one, for the most infamous easter story my family has .... What a wonderful way to think outside the box!!

now I've got not only a great family story for myself, but also a pretty good Autobiographical Narrative for my students!

hope u 2 had a wonderful Zombie Jesus Day!

<3 worth every painful minute <3

[see, I TOLD you it was the BEST EASTER STORY EVER!! & you gotta admit a LOT more interesting than "bump"]