I came, to a realization.
-listens and sings along to "Never too late" by "Three Days Grace"-
I hate people, and I hate trusting people. I hate nearly everyone I know right now. I feel so damn hurt and broken that it's not even funny. On top of that, I realized another thing. I can't get over someone that I thought I got over. I was lying to myself to make it feel better, and lying to him so he wouldn't worry. I acted as if everything was alright, even when I needed help. I don't want him to worry, I don't want to repel him any more than I already do. I hate what I did to him, and I'm slowly beginning to hate myself for the person he is becoming. He used to be so shy, stubborn, caring, and thoughtful. Now he is stubborn, secretive, and cold. He was never a player until I broke his damn heart just like his ex did. There's no excuses for what I did. None at all. If I could change ANYTHING in my life...EVER...I would change what I did....so everything would be alright. I know it'll never happen, but I can't stop hoping.
He is now my bestesest friend, just like we always had been before anything happened. It hurts me soo much. It hurts for me not to talk to him. I wonder how he is every ******** waking moment I haven't talked to him for the last couple months. The girlfriends he picks are....I don't know. It's not my place to comment. I just wish I had that one more chance, to make everything alright. To show him that I HAVE learned, and that he IS all I need. I don't know how to do it. Every time I talk to him, it feels as if something is still there on his side. He tells me otherwise. It hurts me to think that he is with someone. What girlfriend wouldn't talk to the one they love the most? Someone who doesn't really care.
I don't want to hurt him again, and I don't want to see him hurt. I honestly want to kill anyone that causes him pain. He does NOT deserve it, and if I could take the pain from him...I would. I would do anything for him just to .... just to make him happy.... just to..... see that smile. That smile that was there only for ME. The smile and the laugh that I still get that's taken by someone other than me.
I feel so ******** childish typing this. Knowing he will read it if he finds this (which he probably will). I know it'll start a fight up between us again of how I should "move on" and find someone to be happy with. But...how can you be happy with someone else, if the heart is already taken. My ex once said he hated him, hated him for one reason...and one reason only as to why he counted my best friend as a threat. We've never met in person. And my ex was jealous over how much of a strong a** connection my best friend and I have. He'd know if something is wrong. He'd be able to cheer me up no matter what. He still can.
The other day, he called me selfish. And...he's right. I AM selfish, but ONLY when it comes to him. I...I don't want anyone else, or anything else. I would give up everything just to be with him. I would leave everything behind. Is it just childish dreams? Or is it really love? You can have the whole world telling me to get over him, and yet I've tried for nearly a year now. (In 2 weeks it will be a year.) I still can't do it.
· Mon Aug 04, 2008 @ 11:13am · 0 Comments