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Well, I haven't posted here in a while, so I figure I should update anyone who might EVEN BE remotely reading. Things seem to have been figured out with renowolf, and hopefully things will stay that way.... I don't want him to flip out on him again and I hope things go well with him and that Jen. She claimed to be his girlfriend, but she was super possessive and it really turned him way. He was in another relationship like that and like this time, he listened when I told him somethine wasn't right. I'm just glad he does listen when I tell him something isn't right. Based on his actions the other night, i now know at least that even if he doesn't love me, doesn't want to get together with me, or anything else, I don't have to worry about losing him as a friend. He is super confortable with me, and he certainly demonstrated that the last time I talked to him on the phone/ webcam. 0_o; Not sure I wanted to see what I saw, but for some reason it seemed natural, and right. I just wish the distance aspect wasn't a factor. The countdown for when he gets out of the service begins. XP
Pharmacy school is all about getting in the groove it seems. Now that I am starting to slip into the schedule, I am doing better. It helps that our manditory groups of people we are placed in for the 4 years are here are really nice. We work extremely well as a group, and I feel like I have made some friends within the group. I particularly like one of my male collegues, and if it wasn't for the fact he has a gf I might try something, but I'm not so deprived of "bf" ship I'm gonna try and ruin relationships, besides, if I would have to undermine a relationship to get a relationship, what real integrity would that new relationship have? I also dont' want to get into tangled messes within group. *shrugs* Doesn't mean I can't like him thou. ^_- I have a few acqaintances that makes this easier to take now, and I am going to be teaching a karate class on campus which will allow me to be in the leadership role and meet people... I orginally thought my class idea wouldn't be interesting to people, but I was surprised how many people were interested. We will see how it goes. ^_^
 Fuuninu · Fri Oct 06, 2006 @ 07:02pm · 0 Comments |
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Well, I havent' written in here for a while, but I really didn't see the need to. I also know that no one reads it, so it is a kind of turn off. I'm on my third day of pharmacy school now, and it is really interesting. I can't believe how lonely I feel, and I am not used to being the "bottom" of the pile. Even when I went to UIC, I was the "above" average kid in class, that everyone would ask questions from. Now, I'm the one who is asking questions and who is younger, "degree-less" (most of the admitted students here have a degree in something already) and knows less then the others, not to mention experience wise. It is kind of disconcerting. Most of my life I have been the one who knew what to do, when to do it, and had to direct my class mates. I am looking forward to this new challenge, but the one thing that is really getting me is how lonely I am. I used to have a few good friends to talk to, even if we didn't go to the same school, or was even in the same state, but now I have no one. Dart has a new job and if he gets what he wants, he will be on a mission for his church come january. Renowolf here is in the military, in florida, and I don't understand why, but he got mad at me for some reason and isn't talking to me.... I wish we could talk out what is wrong and fix it. He is a very close friend of mine, and before the altercation we had even talked about becoming boyfriend-girlfriend when he got out of the service. So it really hurts and is on my mind a lot. The third and final friend changed her career path, so it looks like she won't be trying to apply for my school in a year, which sucks, but she is so busy at her new school trying to get into a eye medical school and band she doesn't have anytime to talk anymore. I realize a lot of people here are in the same boat I am in this school, but when I try to be myself, I tend to get a lot of wierd looks due to my personality and scarcasm. I'm not really a bad person, but generally my personality is such that you have to have a certain kind of passiveness and humor to really tolerate me. I can honestly say that I get along with most everyone, but I know that a lot of people don't like me. I tend to get well known in places I am at due to my unque sense of style (my mom is a seamstress, so I have all kinds of awesome outfits) and my unusual name. I wonder how I will get to be known here and if I will find new friends amoung my future collegues? Only time will tell but for the moment, I'm lonely, excited, scared and unsure of what the future holds.....
~Inu-chan
Fuuninu · Thu Sep 07, 2006 @ 06:06pm · 0 Comments |
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Goals and accomplishments |
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Well, I'm putting up what I have been able to earn and what I hope to get someday here. I know a lot of people may look at this and go "oh my gawd, yr rch, gld pls!" Please, I have worked very hard for everything I have, and some of these goals and items are actually co-owned with someone else. I have never had anyone donate to me, or help me other then my co-owner, so I am extrememly proud for everything here. I don't want e-mails begging for gold and items. I will cut of your genitals if you do. You've been warned.
Fishing items:
Working for:
Red Guppy Hat
Green Bass Helm
Blue Bass Helm
All Striper helmets
Fish Eyes in all colors
Guppy-bass-striper Green and Blue
Frozen Rainbow Helm
Tuna Helmets for all fish kinds
Black Pebblo Feeder Hat
Gold rock bitter helm
All the boulder helms
Fishing items that I have:
Yellow and Orange guppy hats
3X Yellow, Orange, and Red Guppy Helm
Brown Bass Helm
Food Chain Silver Striper-Bass-Guppy
Green, blue, and pink seedkin hats
Pale, dark, and green head fins
Warm and cold rainbow helm
White and brown pebblo feeder hats
Gills
Sharp Fish Teeth
Blue and Black Biter helm
Donation Items I have:
All items from October 03 items (devil tail and angelic sash) to present donation items
Donation items I hope to get:
Halo
Kodiac Grizzly/Panda Bear Hat
Dj/Portable Stereo Headphones
Mini Angel, Mini Nightmare Wings
Normal items: Hope to get all eventually
Bouquets: Hope to get all of them eventually
Event items: (under construction)
Event items I have for Halloween 200?:
Jacks disgust
Fuuninu · Mon May 15, 2006 @ 10:56pm · 0 Comments |
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I have been working on this bouquet quest, and I thought I would add the information I have thus far. I'm not going to type the full list out, as it took me long enough to write out, but I'll put the catagories and up date them as I need to.
Single bouquets: 28/120 (23.3%)
Normal bouquets: 33/1296 (2.5%)
Deluxe bouquets: 21/1296 (1.6%)
Total bouquets: 82/2712 (3.0%)
Estimated money spent: 86.3k (1.9%)
Total money required: 4548k
Money needed left: 4462.7k
Single Sunflowers: 2/12
Single Pink Carnation 4/12
Single Blue Carnation 3/12
Single White Carnation 3/12
Single White Daisy 2/12
Single Blue Daisy 3/12
Single Purple Daisy 3/12
Single Blue Daffodil 2/12
Single Pink Daffodil 3/12
Single Yellow Daffodil 3/12
Pink Carnation 2/144
Deluxe Pink Carnation 2/144
Blue Carnation 5/144
Deluxe Blue Carnation 2/144
White Carnation 5/144
Deluxe White Carnation 2/144
Pink Daffodil 3/144
Deluxe Pink Daffodil 1/144
Blue Daffodil 4/144
Deluxe Blue Daffodil 2/144
Yellow Daffodil 3/144
Deluxe Yellow Daffodil 2/144
Purple Daisy 6/144
Deluxe Purple Daisy 2/144
Blue Daisy 3/144
Deluxe Blue Daisy 2/144
White Daisy 2/144
Deluxe White Daisy 6/144
Fuuninu · Thu Apr 06, 2006 @ 09:12pm · 0 Comments |
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I almost feel as thou I have come to a revelation. I've been holding out on future chances because of an individual for so long, that to see my path open again in hard to fathom. Supposedly we are in a "trial" phase to see if we truely belong together. Supposedly he has changed, but from what I see, the only thing that has changed has been my tolerance to his faults. I suppose the last straw that left me thinking was his "broken" dialing finger. Told that I was to get a call on the morrow, and not having a very good conversation, the dialogue ended. I'm then phoned several days later like it's no big deal and to "give him a call back." What he didn't realize was that I was actually available when the phone went off, but to let him feel how it felt to be ignored and forgotten, as well as worried about the other. I don't plan on answering the phone to him any longer, at least until he shows some initiative and comes to me to talk.
The whole problem hasn't been his words, but his physical actions, like his inability to call. We have drifted away during this period, and what I used to see in him and my life is gone. I used to think I would find a mate to be with, but I know think it might be impossible. I always seem to be on a different intellectual plane from most, and that will really hinder love. Most are drawn to physical, whereas I am draw to personality and then physical, while I do admit there is some times I just want some d***. That will not be forever, and I don't want to be in a place where I feel that I am mentally alone while physically not.
The guy who is currently after my favor right now doesn't seem to see what life is really about, and while I don't mind and encourage the expression of how one feels and wants, his recent behavior has totally scared and turned me off. He is very attracted to me, and I have only been hanging with him as a combination of him being a nice person to be with and a way to make my previous mate a little jealous. However, after his moves on sunday night, I am totally upset with him behavior and intent. To reach out when I strech to "massage" my back is alright, but to make it like a scratch search for my bra hook, and upon not finding, get more frisky, and with my comment that it is more of a scratch then a massage to say "I can scratch another place for you" and move his hand to go down the back of my pants in not cool. I had always hoped for a more aggressive mate, but when it is done in a fashion that makes me upset and uncomfortable, I dont' care for. While the rest of the night was not so daring, he certainly kept making moves, and I am not all that sure as to weither I should keep to the plan of going to his house for the weekend, as it now seems like a trap. What is worse is that I feel as thou I have no one to consult, no warm persence to make me feel better. Before I would run to my previous mate, and even thou he says he still cares, I feel as thou he is just going through the motions. Rather then coming to me and protecting me as he has almost done before on previous occassions, he would probally stay home for "practical" reasons. I dont' feel as though he is much of a help or hand anylonger.
The ironic thing is, is that I'm becoming closer and closer to the one male he feared losing me. I'm not sure if I've warmed up to him a lot more because I now have some more freedom to speak to him, the
distance of contact allows me to not constantly be aware of some of his annoying physical habits, or because due to his time overseas he is finally maturing, and realizing the importance of knowledge and good friends. It might even be because of him being so far, I'm physically safe. I don't know, but he is more of a friend and "boyfriend" to me now then my previous mate is now. Wouldn't it be funny, dear gaia readers, that he knew this would happen and that is why he resented him?
Funny also, how now that I feel so alone, I type an idea of my feelings for you, my gaians to read. I know that like my previous journal enteries I won't get any response, even thou I hope for it, but just the fact my feelings are out there and potentially being thought and mulled over seems to be the only comfort I can get these days. Maybe I can start annew if I can successfully finish and be selected for the pharmacy program at another college. A whole new world will be open then, and maybe I can finally find a place in it for me.
~Inu
Fuuninu · Tue Apr 04, 2006 @ 06:52pm · 0 Comments |
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Why does it seem, when everything is ok, that things turn upside down? I had a wonderful boyfriend, and I saw myself as his wife, and he dumped me. Why? He quotes that fact I am not the same religion as him. When I managed to press, I found out that really wasn't what was bothering him, and to find out some of the other things that were going on broke my heart. I still love him, but I really don't know if I could live with him with what he said he did. I wouldn't be able to trust someone who ended up cheating behind my back because he was unhappy rather then talk to me about it. He kept telling me that I was what was making him unhappy, but now that he has had time to experience life without me, he seems to want me back. To me, it seems he more wants me back until the object of his *true* affections comes back within his grasp. Hard to hold something in another state.
This whole thing has left me lost. The good thing about all of this, is that I am rediscovering my true friends, and picking up the parts of me I sacrified in order to be with him. He kept going on and on that I won't be the same religion as him, but he never looked at everything else. I gave up a good school offer in order to stay near him, I limitied my dating opportuniteis to him (I have only ever dated him, and for 5 years I did so), I haven't experienced a lot in the world of dating, I gave up certain habits he didn't know about that I knew he wouldn't like... and so much more. Now, I feel lost, because now I don't know why I even gave up those peices of myself (bad habit excluded) , and where to go from here. I've rediscovered my cross-stiching, and this summer I may study under a glass maker to create glass jewerly. If I was with him, I never would have dared to do this, or even meet her to even have the opportunity. yet he asks to do things with me, and he is "lonely" and all that other things.
But should I really go back to a guy who dumped me, cheated on me, and above all, during the process, made me feel like the lump of gum on the bottom of my shoe, making me seem to be the bad guy, when really all that he considered wrong actually came from within himself, and who puts religion above people, and family? I know if I go back, that question will pop up again. He really didn't understand the pacience and sacrifice I made within myself and my morals to let him do as he pleased with the church, and to spout his "ideals". Now he wants me to make the ultimate sacrifice of my principles and become that which I hate, and to adopt those ideas I don't see as befitting me as my own just because he thinks that is right. Who is to say that we can't live side by side with understanding and tolerance, and not force the other to do things they wish not? Yet, he asks me to do this thing, for the pure fact, it seems, for a pure ceromeny, a "temple marriage". Yet this event is only one point in time.
It is just a ceromony, and even if he believes that it binds to people together for the rest of time is fine. But truely, who should say that a mere pomp and circumstance determines who we will see after we pass? If you are truely and unterrrly tied to another, you don't need to go throught with a ceromony. Feelings should be enough.
He talks about how when the 10 commandments were orginally recieved, it was thrown down and broken, and a new set of rules, more simple, were brought to the people such as they could understand. This new book which his religion follows is supposed to be, I suppose, that which was orginally written. In it, it talks of this temple marriage. Who is to say, if the past which we have recorded is true, that this is not another middle version of what ultimatly we will eventually have reviveled to us? A temple marriage may be for those who do not know how to truely connect to a person, and needs a type of "physical tie" to another in order to know they will encounter each other after death. Who is to say that others may be advanced enough to be able to find each other after death from will and hope and heart? He doesn't believe this, and I suppose this is what he "figured" he should say to me. I don't buy it, and now that he is sitting alone, he remembers what really made him happy.
Can I really fault him for an mistake? The problem lies with the fact he violated the idea of one person should be a partner, not several. "Do not commit adultery" is even spelled out as part of the orginal "dummed down" commandments given. And yet he wants me back? To trod over me when I was faithful, even when I wished to give in, to fall in love with other men, yet did not act, for I knew it was not a true love, but merely an infactuation with them. Yet he did this every thing which every religion deems wrong, and he wants me to forgive? He wants to earn trust where he has destroyed the very essance within me of what I believed was the man I was going to marry. How can I build a castle of love again on what he has made a quicksand marsh, full of lies, and cheats? I can always build another castle on another location with another. The question is will I be truely happy at that new location, or will the haunting cry from the sandy swamp call out to me?
Truely, I must ponder this question, but life really does not give one a chance. The pressure I feel from myself, my friends, my family, and him do not make for an enviroment of peace and conductivity, yet I do what I can with what I have. Hopefully I will find the answers to my questions soon. Time will be needed to heal wounds, and the sooner I find the thread in which to sew these wounds, the sooner they will start to mend and emotionaly I can go foreword.
Inu
Fuuninu · Mon Feb 06, 2006 @ 03:53pm · 0 Comments |
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Life just seems to pile up around me, and I have a hard time keeping up with it. First I end up in the hospital for a migrain, then I have a reaction to the medication (which they didn't write down so I have no idea what they gave me) which gave me a major problem that even now I am battling. Fortunily, it doesn't hurt so much anymore (the reaction was a almost arm long blood clot at the injection site) and it better not, considering I got the fateful "shot" on the 30th of September. My vein is still yellow along the lenght of the arm, which besides the pain, alerted me to the problem, and now if only my problems with vertigo would subside.... *sigh* I kinda wish I could fly away, and go back to the days of when I was in high school. Its sad, but I kinda had wanted the time to pass so fast, and yet that is the time I found friends and the most exceptance I have ever found. I'm a junior in college, can't say I have any friends on campus, don't do any activities, and the only person I still have relations with really anymore is my boyfriend from high school. I still roam around home, which is nice, but most everyone else is gone. Its hard to be by yourself, even if you were used to it before. I suppose things are compounded by the fact I got a single room, even thou it does help me and I did get it in the first place due to my medical problems. I just wish that something would go right for me, and I could actually get accumulated to my college. I feel so alienated, and it doesn't help my spirits, you know? I know there are people in so much worse situtations then me, but it still takes its toll on you emotionally....
~Inu
Fuuninu · Wed Oct 26, 2005 @ 10:33pm · 0 Comments |
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Well, for all of those who are college bound, it certainly is a whole nother world, isn't it? You have to do everything for yourself (which doesn't bother me at all, but makes it so I have to do more then I'm used to do doing at home) and a whole another areana of "social standing". I think the thing I hate the most of the whole thing is the food. crying Talk about gross! No wonder I'm poping antiacids like candy. Disgusting stuff. What about the rest of you? What makes college really great, and what makes it suck? I like the freedom, and the fact I get the best of both worlds.... I can go home when I want 2 and see my friends and pooch! Bad: food. confused
Fuuninu · Mon Sep 12, 2005 @ 01:50am · 0 Comments |
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Well, I guess the first thing I plan on putting here is a survey that has been floating around in the gaia journal circuit, and I want to see the particular response to this from a certain individual (Dartmoor) *hint hint*. However, others may take it 2. Amuse me. wink
1] I committed suicide:
2] I said I liked you:
3] I kissed you:
4] I lived next door to you:
5] I started smoking:
6] I stole something:
7] I was hospitalized:
8] I ran away from home:
9] I got into a fight and you weren't there:
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY:
1] Personality:
2] Eyes:
3] Face:
4] Hair:
5] Clothes:
6] Mannerisms:
WHAT ABOUT US:
1] Who are you:
2] Are we friends:
3] When and how did we meet:
4] How have I affected you:
5] What do you think of me:
6] What's the fondest memory you have of me:
7] How long do you think we will be friends or enemies:
8] Do you love me?
9] Have I ever hurt you:
10] Would you hug me:
11] Would you kiss me:
12] Would you do me:
13] Would you marry me:
14] Are we close:
15] Emotionally, what stands out:
16] Do you wish I was cooler:
17] On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I:
18] Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it:
19] Am I loveable:
20] How long have you known me:
21] Describe me in one word:
22] What was your first impression:
23] Do you still think that way about me now:
24] What do you think my weakness is:
25] Do you think I'll get married:
26] What about me makes you happy:
27] What about me makes you sad:
28] What reminds you of me:
29] What's something you would change about me:
30] How well do you know me:
31] Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't:
32] Do you think I would kill someone:
33] Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?
Fuuninu · Fri Sep 02, 2005 @ 02:54am · 2 Comments |
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