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What I need to Change.
You sometimes have to let go of everything you love. I use to refuse to believe in that quote, and always found ways to go against it. But I've come to realize that you need to let them go because you want to believe in them. If you don't? than how can you really say you understand? How can you really look them in the eye? If they're no longer with you, than you must accept it, and wish them the best. You want to see the succeed. Sometimes their goals aren't meant for you to be with them. It doesn't mean you should loose all hope though. It's okay, believe in that person and believe that they'll love you forever. Believe it or not you've influenced their lives. It doesn't matter what mistakes either of you committed. What matters is that you can believe that they will learn the knowledge and won't commit those mistakes anymore.
1) I've realized how overly clingy I became. Always refusing to do anything for myself and using meaningless excuses.
2) I came to realize how hard he tried...even to the very end. No matter how stressed an unhappy he was. He still did gestures for me.
3)I've come to realize how unapproachable I had become. Always taking things to heart, and always getting defensive over everything.
4) I've realized how much I didn't listen to his dreams, and thoughts, in fear they would ruin my mood.(Which in fact he had become quiet negative. So it always always unpredictable.) But regardless he trusted me, and I didn't listen. I was selfish and mean. Didn't keep an open enough mind.
5)I've come to accept the fact that I was really unfair in many things, but what I was unfair the most on, was not letting him hear his own music, while I listened to my own on full blasted. I have overly sensitive ears, and grew up my whole life just listening to music on speakers and barely on earphones. But there is no excuse and that doesn't make mine any better at all. It was still wrong, and selfish.
We should of just come to a compromise... and talked about things that would best suit the both of us. Plus I made him hear things on too low of a level. So lately now that he's gone, I've been only play game on volume 9-15. Nothing more, and sometimes even less. So I can actually feel unpleasant it was. But the weird thing is I'm getting use to it. razz
6)I sometimes criticized him for things that didn't benefit him in anyway. And I've always apologized for that throughout our relationship but I barely have been able to understand exactly why it was wrong and what type of criticism I was wrong in doing. It was the type that made him feel low for his hobbies and interests. And if I didn't agree or like something he did, I should either. 1)Kept my mouth shut. Or 2) Just simply said something along the lines of, "Oh I don't really like it so much, but it's still cool." instead of, "oh I don't really like it at all, it's kind of stupid because...blah blah blah." That was wrong, very wrong indeed.

And last but not least:
7) I took him for granted... and was being a hypocrite because I blamed and made him feel bad for living and bringing up the past as much or probably more than he did. Always making him feel low for not being how he use to be. And the reality is that he wasn't a bad person now. He was just stressed and tired of not having someone understanding. (I am understanding but neglected him in a way.)
He's a great guy, and he will be truly loved by me for probably the rest of my life.

Why must humans realize mistakes too late all the time.
The only time we are able to prevent it a little before we commit it is when I've made a similar mistake before, learned it from some elses experience.

Damn we are always too late.

Like science says, we live in the past.


-Karen. heart





 
 
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