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Current Issues
Since I have many people asking, I'm only going to explain my current situation here and will not have individual conversations with anyone outside of this post - period. So please, for my sanity, don't ask. Names will not be used nor will I answer people's questions as to who each person is. I'm simply going to tell it as it is from my side and that is that. Now......
I had someone in my life who had meant a lot to me - probably more than they even realize anymore. More than I think they care anymore....but I digress.
This person knows so much about me and I could honestly say that I could try and put trust into this person.
Sadly, life always has a funny way of working and I walked away from that person. Eventually, I found myself with someone new and felt happy and welcome there after the rest of my friends shunned me for my decision.
Time has gone by and I managed to stay in contact with the first one that had opened my heart. It was hard and no matter how many times he hurt me, I still gave him time, space, and nothing but my everything because I couldn't handle losing him as a friend. Gradually, I thought that perhaps I moved on too fast and even though I was happy in my new relationship, I couldn't ignore the fact that my feelings for the other were growing. I fully realized this in December of last year and did my best to sort out how I was going to handle the matter.
I didn't just want to rush any decisions - the last one ended me up in this state of confusion. Inevitably, I finally decided what I needed to do and set up a plan.
You see, I've been stressed with more than just this current situation so I decided to wait until I got back to school so I could make an appointment with a counselor/therapist so I could seek out answers to my question:
"Is what I'm about to do the correct thing right now?"
But what was it, you may ask that I was planning (and currently still am deciding on in a very serious matter). It was this:
I first wanted to break off my current relationship because I have always believed in honesty in a relationship and I have no right being in one when I have feelings for another person. I don't think it's fair to lie to one's self and others just to push those feelings away. I did that once in my life and nothing good came of it.
I was then going to tell both individuals involved as to why I made my decision and thus, walk from relationships for a while.
This way, I could get to know what I want in life and whom I want to be with. I'd be able to get closer to people without strange walls around myself and them and I would be able to really understand myself by also spending more time on the 'me' factor. Something I should have done so long ago.
This meeting with the therapist is to take place this Tuesday, but I feel like it's a pointless one now besides the emptiness that came upon me on Friday.
Friday was a day like no other. First, I got out of class early but it didn't bring me happiness because I knew I'd be on my own later that night - something that has happened every night since I've gotten here. I knew this so I called the one who I had previously known, asking if he'd like to talk tonight and help keep me company - I really wanted to talk to him and start hinting at what my plan was. He told me he would and I felt really happy and confident in my decisions.
Yet, happiness did not await me still. I stopped by to say hi to some people I knew but rushed home to do homework so I could have time to talk to him - I was so excited. Looking back, I wish I was not........
He finally got on when I didn't realize but he still didn't bother to initiate discussion with me. I felt hurt because many people who've called me a ''friend'' here have done that all the time - they say they'll hang out or talk to me but they end up forgetting or abandoning me. I tried to initiate the discussion instead so that it would be okay but in the end, he just didn't seem interested in the discussion - his attention was on "people" he said. I got mad - I was hurt. I've been on the brink of a nervous and depressive break down and I thought I could count on him to be there for me - after all, he said he would always be there.....but.....
So I got pissed and went to surfing the net to calm down and then I saw he had another away message so I looked, wondering how long until he'd keep his side of the bargain of what he agreed to earlier. I wish I never looked.......I wish I could have faded away then and there......I wish......I wished God would rewind and tell me what I saw wasn't happening......
His away message announced he had a girlfriend. I literally broke right then. I felt my body go numb as tears silently poured from my eyes. I kept telling myself it would be alright and immediately contradicting those self pleas by asking, "...why didn't he tell me- why do I have to find out this way?!", ".....what am I going to do now?", and so many more questions......
I asked him who it was. I wish I didn't.....I wish I had just walked away then....never looking.....never asking........yet, somehow I knew my deepest fear was going to be announced. It was.....and the silent tears then turned to hysteric sobbing and broken breathing:
He was dating a friend of mine I had known since high school - the same friend who called me "senpai" since when I graduated, she was a sophomore in high school.....the same girl who I thought about, "....if anyone would ever catch his eye when I transfer, it would be her......wouldn't it......I hope not......"
It's like I had been insulted and injured all in one. I thought there was some unspoken code where friends don't date their friend's exes......guess only some follow that, huh?
I felt my will slipping from me.....tried to talk to him - maybe I wouldn't lose him that way......but then my phone cut out due to shitty Chicago reception and I was too shaky to hold the phone still enough to make another call.
.....he never bothered to call back........
In anger and frustration, I tried to say I wasn't going to be in his life again - not even friendship. I can say I only partially meant it. I couldn't bear it.....I still can't bear it......the man I was close to....the one who knew me.....gone......just a few days before I confessed and made my decision....lost forever.....and to top it all off - to my friend. I've never felt so sick in my entire life. I know I can't bear it but I also don't want him gone.....but it's too late for that now.
He won't talk to me now....that's why I say it's too late. I also say it's too late because I know he doesn't care for me anymore like he said he did..........as if I'm not worth anything anymore.....a broken toy traded in for a new one is how I feel now.......I'm sure he even knows of how I'm practically dying slowly.
I haven't eaten in three days and if I try now, I feel sick and get sick. Food is becoming less necessary to my mind. I don't even feel hunger - it's like I don't know what hungry would feel like anymore. I cry myself to sleep.....a lot.....and I have school too so it kind of sucks because I can't focus.
......and even though he knows all this and I've been trying to talk to him, he refuses....I'm nothing again to him - not worth his time it would seem. And why would I be? He has someone now.......he used to say no one would replace me....that's why I had so much faith in making my decision......in taking my time doing things the right way.....but.....ironically.....I guess I'm easily traded in for someone else.....
It's like in those dramas or animes or whatever you will where the one person finally decides what to do and they rush over to tell the person - just in time to see them embracing another.
I was already depressed.....did God really need to throw this at me too?
I've got people trying to help but it's not helping. How could anyone possibly tell me it's going to be okay again?! I read a blog by this girl he is dating now - as her friend, I had access to it....and I wish, again, that I never did.
I felt betrayed after reading it. Apparently he refused to date her and then asked her out in one night.....how is that okay?! How could I be forgotten so quickly!?
I feel like trash......it's like I'm useless all over again.
People still tell me I have my recent relationship to go to but I can't do that because I can't just change how I feel.
When someone is starving due to depression.......feelings like that just can't be erased!
People tell me he isn't worth my time but I can't stop my heart from feeling like it will stop any minute. I can't force myself to eat when I keep getting sick and no one and nothing will make it go away - I've never felt this horrid before and I just don't even know what to do anymore.
At least two people are happy in this, right? I want to hate people but right now, I just mindlessly stare at s**t all day, wander around, and then cry myself to sleep at the end of it all.
It's like my life went to hell and I thought I had found a nice ladder out of it all. Yet, someone came along and cut the rope ladder and now I'm stuck and there's no way out because no one has the right length ladder to help me out. To top it all off, I see someone who does possibly have that right ladder and instead, he looked down at me, stared, and covered the hole, leaving me alone.
So that is my wondrous, ironic life right now and I don't know where I'm headed. At this rate, it's no where good.
-Saku
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