|
|
|
Happy. Everyone wants to be happy. It is from this urge that all things happen. Greed, lust, anger, sorrow. They are all caused by it. Our driving need to be happy. What is happiness? Can it truly be achieved? I think if it could no one in this world would not be happy. Nothing makes me happy anymore. This depression holds on tightly to me. Its seems the more I try to break free from it the stronger its hold on me is. It does not help when all those around me seem to fuel it. It’s like I feed from it. Sometimes it seems as if I want to be like this. Like being sad is the only way I can truly feel alive. Yet, it is so hard to bear. My brain screams at me and longs for release. I cannot sleep. I do not want to. Yet in the morning I do not want to wake up. I only wish to be happy. But what makes me happy? I thought he made me happy. Like a missing piece was found once more. That missing piece was love. Now I have lost something else. My happiness. Gone. I don’t know how to find it. I keep asking myself, “What would make me happy?” Every time I have an answer I realize that what ever it is it wouldn’t really make me happy. Maybe it has to do with my faith. I have lost faith in the world. People are ugly. God doesn’t seem to listen anymore. Greed and hate are all you ever see. What happened to hope? What happened to Charity? What happened to Faith? Has it deserted us too? Are we as humankind doomed to live in this world of hate and greed? I am going to visit Eric tomorrow. I wonder if that will make me happy. If for those moments I can feel what I once felt. Like nothing else in the world mattered but our love. That together we could be happy. I was happy, once. What changed? I was so naive to think that things could be like that. That life could be that simple. May our sins someday be forgiven.
 Kuro Tori · Thu Jan 18, 2007 @ 07:34am · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
|
There comes a time in ones life where they can no longer hide from change. It comes weather you like it or not. A chain of events can set into motion the biggest change you will ever have to make. This is why you should not hold off on the small changes until it happens. It may be an accident it may be planed. Are you prepared? I am not. Tomorrow I have a job interview. Lord let me get it. Please. It would mean joining the union and that would help me a lot. My medical insurance under my dad ran out on the 1st. One of the changes I have been avoiding is getting a job. Another one is moving out. Most of these changes depended greatly on getting a job. Now I have to get one. No more choice. It has to happen. Change can be good. It will be good, but it is scary. I’ve let myself give in to my fear for far too long. God, I want this job. It may not be my dream location but it is my dream job. The interview is at Safeway for a baking job. I really do enjoy baking. It’s what I really want to do. I am so scared I’ll decide I don’t like it. Then what? I can’t do anything else. I don’t know how. Wish me luck I am really stressed out about all this. About everything.
Kuro Tori · Sat Jan 06, 2007 @ 05:19am · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
|
So here I am again hating life and everything about it. Except Eric. I could never hate him. At least I hope I can’t. So I guess I don’t really hate everything. My Step mom is a total a** and is dragging my dad with her. So they are both asses. Now that we have established that, you may want to know why. They treat me like a 12 year old. Yet want me to be an adult. Why should I act like an adult when I am treated like a 12 year old? Everyone wish me luck. I am going to try and find a job again. I just hope someone will hire me. At a job I would like. I am hopeful yet skeptical at the same. I got into a big fight with my dad because he wants to move another bed into my room. My step brother Kevin just moved in. So the bed my sisters’ use when they come over has to be put somewhere. I said no way and told dad he should put it in the attic and we would move it out when they came to visit. He said ok. Now my step mom has to but in and make me put it into my room. Now because I refuse I am labeled ungrateful for all the things they have done for me. I would act grateful if those things were not vastly outweighed by the terrible things. I am very particular about how things should be in my room. Having to move all my stuff is going to throw off the balance I just put into my room. I think I am going to get rid of a lot of my stuff. I need to find some boxes and throw s**t out. I am hording so much stuff right now I’ll never be able to take it all with me. Maybe when it hits summer I can have a big garage sale and make some money off of it. Sounds like a plan. Christmas was… well missing something. I think it was love. Where did it go? Oh yeah my leach of a stepmother sucked the life out of Christmas. Everything has to be perfect and that means enslaving your step children to do every stupid task you can thing of. Like making me and a friend move all the furniture around in our living room and dining room at 9 at night. I guess she made me do most of the work. My sisters got it easy. I escaped as often as I could. My boyfriend gave me a ring for Christmas… no not that kind of ring *sigh*. But it is a purdy silver ring with my birthstone on it. And a matching necklace. He is so good to me. I am so lucky to have him. I just wish the rest of my life didn’t suck so much. We have had our issues in the past but it was never anything we couldn’t overcome. We are like a team. I can’t wait to move out with him. Damn it! I just need to get a job first, and find a place we can afford. Why can’t becoming an independent adult be easier? And why the hell cant I get motivated enough? I think it is because I fail at life. Or think I am going to. I have no faith in anything anymore. I kind of lost it half way through job corps. Some one shoot me please. No really I wasn’t joking….
Kuro Tori · Sat Dec 30, 2006 @ 06:03am · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Well here is a recap of what has been happening in my life. I graduated job corps in september. i moved back in with my dad and have been misserable ever since. I am also unemployed. Its my birthday. As you get older your birthday becomes the most depressing day of the year. The reasons may change but it is still depressing. For me it is depressing because no one cares. I probably wont get any cards or phone calls. It will be like any other day. My boyfriend works that day. Yet my step mother has the day off. Just what I wanted to do on my Birthday. Spend it with my step mom. I know I am going to end up "helping" her with house work, redecorating, and stringing up Christmas lights. I think I’ll ditch her and go get my car fixed. Though I don’t want to spend the money on it I figure I will be getting money from relatives so it will all even out. I bet my boyfriend wont remember right away. Why is it that I miss him so much when we are apart? I mean I just saw him Tuesday, yet I miss him terribly. I guess I miss him the most when I am depressed. I love him more than anything. I wish I wasn’t so attached. I feel I may be too clingy around him. Its worse because lately he hasn’t been giving me the kind of attention he used to. Or at least less of it. I blame the Wii.... and Zelda. I just wish he would look at me the way he used to. Have I changed? Maybe I have gained weight. I cant tell there isn’t a scale to be found in this house. Well anyway, I was talking about my birthday. I am going to be 20. A whole 2 decades of my life are over. It depresses me. My twin sister is making me throw a party. I’ve invited all of our friends. I also invited some of Eric’s friends. After the party we are going to play World of Darkness. Me and Eric spent Tuesday creating our characters and I still don’t know if he will be able to come. It will be weird playing without him. Elinor’s Boyfriend is going to surprise her and I am so envious of her. I cant say how because she may read this, though it is unlikely. My boyfriend may say nice things but he never does nice things. He may pay for coffee and diner but I want something different. I want spontaneous acts. Like the time he gave me these blue dog tags he picked up from Las Vegas. That said "Eric + Lizz" "I will always be with you". I wore that everyday I was at job corps. Every time I thought of him I would touch them and be comforted. Right before I left he gave me his most cherished childhood possession. A sonic the hedgehog toy. He had nothing else to give me. I love that old toy. It kept me company at night and when I missed him the most I would hold it. Its the thought behind those gifts that make them my favorites. I don’t want him to buy me expensive gifts. The occasional flower, or corny trinket would make me happy. I think he is building me a computer for Christmas. He wants me to be able to play online games with him. My dad would never allow me to download anything on to his computers. He has 3 computers and a laptop. I don’t really feel like I need a computer. Its mostly for him than me. I hope that is not what he is doing but I heard him talking to his dad about snagging spare parts from his work. His dad works with computers for the local school district. When they upgrade there computer the old hardware is basically up for grabs. Eric built his computer that way. Here I am ranting on about my boyfriend again. I guess he is all I really think about these days. I try not to. I cant help it. I wish I wasn’t so weird all the time. I guess I am all ranted out.
Kuro Tori · Thu Dec 14, 2006 @ 09:26am · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Well its winter break. I am off until the 3rd. I decided to stay with my dad this time. So far it hasn't been too stressful. A few bumps concerning Me and Jensran, but i'll live. I went to the dentist yesterday and today got a few fillings done. I cant feel the left side of my face.
Kuro Tori · Wed Dec 21, 2005 @ 10:07pm · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
Ah summer is almost over... |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Kuro Tori · Sat Jul 16, 2005 @ 06:39am · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Culinary is opening up after summer break. We leave for summer break tomorrow. It ends the 17th sad but still it will be fun. I think i will be in culinary by the time i get back. yay for me! Today we have activities and i signed up for alot of the team sports. I cant wait to leave because i will be spending summer break with my bf. well thats all i can think of for now
Kuro Tori · Tue Jun 28, 2005 @ 06:34pm · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
The darkess that spills from my mind |
|
|
|
|
|
|
For some reson my thought pattern spills out in dark poetry. My mind rambles on and on and if only i have paper with me. But maybe some is best left to the empty air. Maybe its best not to be heard by ears that my worry about me. Still in plastering gonk Still at job corps, waiting for culinary to open up. Dear god let it be soon.
Kuro Tori · Sun Jun 19, 2005 @ 09:13pm · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
|
The rain that falls upon my face,
hides the tears of sorrow
let it be that we may meet again
as you hold my heart
I await the day I can return to you once again
The window from my room
Shows no sign of hope
I watch the rain fall on my life
Yet it causes me to smile
The rain washes away my past
It washes away the scars of old
All that is left is me
My soul is finally free
Though my heart may be far away
I do not cry
I will be with him again
Kuro Tori · Sun Jun 05, 2005 @ 11:10pm · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
